Double aloneness

It feels really scary talking about feeling alone, it feels like announcing I've got a terminally infectious disease guaranteed to keep everyone away!!

I have spent massive trackts of my life being alone and longing for connection with others. Somehow belonging always seemed to be the luxury of others who were entitled to it - and not me. Eventually I got involved with and fell intensely destructively in love in an abusive relationship. This brought me into recovery for S.+L addiction. And a mind altering addiction it was too. I read the literature, took responsibilty and worked the steps. I loved the programme. But deep inside my longing persisted and I acted out again in a deeply destructive relationship. And again.

A few years ago I came accross an internet site that ex;plained my life. I realised I had a personality disorder. My first thought was, if I'd understood about all this 10 years before when I first cam to recovery those years would have been sober, I could have got recovery. My next thought was: wheres the fellowship for this?

Someone aske me here why dont I deal with this in al-anon, or acoa etc. I thought about this and realised, anything other than putting the focus full on the disorder would be like an opperation to remove an alein from inside me that kept cutting at its limbs and leaving the rest inside me to regrow. My disorder is schizoid, I cal it 'self in exile'. (sxd). It explains how one way or another I end up alone, and it is comforting to understand about this, but it is nonetheless painful at times, unmanagable sometimes. At meetings people connect with eachother rather than me. It feels to me like the humans around me have this way of relating that I dont. My dream is to have a room full of people who share these common issues and that we can work through together, using what we already know of the steps and traditions.
I know that these disorders are deadly serious, they kill people. I want to be able to use my experience to help others. I am taking all the steps I can to challenge myself and change my habitual behaviour. It feels like i'm outnumbered and overpowered at times. There are so many aspects to this disorder and deep understanding is availble which I'd love to share with others.

And yes, I tried therapy, and it was burning me up. I felt myself getting iller, heading towards the place of no return so I stopped. I'll say more about that another time,as this is already so long. I'd like to share here more about my day to day struggles with the various aspects of this. I know we heal in relationship, so I need to learn how to connect with others.

thanks for listening,
riverX

((((((((River))))))))) So, what are you going to do to help yourself with this? With the road you're taking you're still alone. How do you plan on fixing your personality disorder without a doctor to guide you through the maze?

Wow I honestly don't know what I would do without the fellowship in my recovery. It is such a blessing to have other people in my life that understand....

I wish I held I held the solution. I know there's a recovery program called SMART Recovery that is 12-step based for people with mental illness. I'm not sure it would work, but maybe? Maybe Google it and see what you can find out?

I know that for me, PC works great for fellowship when I'm at home. When my computer is down, I freak!! Anyway....keep posting and letting us get to know you!!

(((((( RiverX ))))))))

Pickle,
Thanks for your reply, and for the hug.
I'm not sure the tone you meant with what you said, but I feel shaken and verging on tearful, I feel like I broke an unspoken rule to have said what I said.
It seems very difficult for others to understand me, which makes it hard to be honest.
But in another way, I appreciate the warmth of your challenge.
That is the whole point! therapy was making me far, far worse, thats why I am here, because I keep searching.
I tried so many Ts. If you have one you could recommend who understands pds I'd be on the phone this minute, and if it worked i'd be on a plane asap. (I live in UK, when I searched here, no one I found really gets it with pds.)
I feel I need to build up my strength with real human relationships in order to be able to go back and try again with therapy.
As I respond to you, - THIS is what I am trying to do about it, - to express my feelings and not recoil in despair.

So, thanks for replying, even if I do sound like I dont appreciate it, I really, really do, I am trying to come out of exile and make contact with other human beings, that is, without abandoning my truth, or hurting the other person. And this is my best attempt.

Rayna,
Thanks. I'll keep doing my best. I'll try the SMART thing. My issue is even in fellowship, I dont have fellowship, a lot of the time, and thats whats so painful. It was always like that for me, even as a small child in school.
I think its really helpful for me just to be understood, I can deal with it, whatever I have to legitimately face, or I'll do my best.

I feel really scared right now.

river.

I'm sorry, I don't want to upset you. I just meant, you want one thing but you're going in the total opposite direction of getting it. I'm really sorry if it came off as anything but supportive. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Okay, I got confused. I've had bad experiences with therapists too. I found them to be either incompetent and/or they would leave, just as I was starting to warm up to and trust them.
I have no room to talk, either. I need to be with people too but I won't go to group therapy 'cause I'm scared everyone won't like me.
So, trust me, I'm not judging or putting you down in any way shape or form.
I really do apologize for coming off like a jerk. The tone in my post has been mistaken. That's okay, with the written word that happens if you're not a skilled writer.
((((((((RiverX))))))))

(((( RiverX ))))

You're ok hon. I think most of us found PC because no one "out there" understands us. Many of use this place for a fellowship of other people who understand whats it like to not be understood.

I try to listen for the similarities and not the differences. When I do that, I find that more people are like me than I think.

((((((((Pickle)))))))))))
I really have been lol ing at myself, at my intensity about all this!! Coming on line and coming here it feels like I'm so full of anxiety, - ' how are they going to respond? will they respond? will I be blanked? ' etc its mad, its like a kind of internal thriller. Thanks for sharing your fears and expereinces in therapy. Its wierd isnt it, well I am finding it all wierd, and exciting, I'm sure I'll calm down in after a while.
Are you 'on the firm'? thats what they call it in NA here, I notice the update of the serenity prayer you've got there.
I'd like to talk about my experiences in therapy too, I might try the therapy forum next door.
I'd like to gradually share more so I can be known here with you as Raaynadi suggests. Hope to get to know you as well. What you said about being afraid no-one will like you makes me feel I like you. Love the honesty.

((((((((((((((Raynaadi)))))))) That makes sense, that people come here who have found they didnt get understanding elsewhere. I feel like I'm learning for the first time about relationships in a more real sense, and in this place its like a practice ground, but it has somehow even more intesity for me than irl. I even love these colloquialisms (? spelling?). Its like these days I look to this place to get my emotional supply. Since I got to PC, its like I've been in a love affair with it, and I know thats a sort of exile compromise, to emotionally invest in people who arent physically in my life, but at least there is emotional contact, so its good.

I'm going to join a big book study group in Oct. That will be another challenge for me. I know the man who's running it, he is very inspiring, but has rather controlling tendencies, and I tend to clash with that. I feel bound by my integrity to challenge things that seem hypocritical, but that can have a disruptive effect on a situation for me. I have to find the balance. But my general direction for now is to do more speaking out and stand by my truth. Some things I feel appauled by, that others just breeze over.


riverX

Oh, no. I'm sorry, maybe it's rude of me to use that for my sig. I never even thought about that. I've never had a drug/alcohol problem. I have anger issues. I guess it's sort of my take on the prayer. I think I'll change it. Thanks for pointing that out. Even though you weren't really pointing it out to me. Anyway, I'm glad you mentioned it.

Heh, I like that version of the Serenity Prayer.

But I liked it, then I like the screw up fairy one too!

Good concept, now I know who's to blame!!