APD

Most of the people will not understand and in their eyes it's like we are not trying. But we do try and try and try.

The barrier of avoidancy that is blocking us from "communication" is very hard to go through. We would like to be around people and interact with them, that is for sure, but we also feel that we are not worth it or that we just bother, that they don't want us around anyway.

But how can we be certain of that if we don't take chances. Isolation is not the way. Communication is. I think that even if we are scare to try we must keep on trying and give also a chance to the person in front of us. A lot of people are caring. We just need to find them. And it's by trying that we will.

(((((((((((((((((Quality))))))))))))))))))))))

time0

(((((((((((((((((((Estee)))))))))))))))))

time0

I am like you then, barely any memories from my youth. Though even in my young adulthood I think I was just skimming along, blocking out things as I found them unpleasant. Oh they do pop up every once in a while, much to my distress with some of the memories. Oh well, what's done is done.

I sometimes marvel at how much others can recall from say, 4-8 years old, and as far as I know, they didn't suffer any unusual treatment or abuses when they were little. So we have this issue of blocking out that which hurt us, plus it inhibits the formation and growth of the Adult personality. Which really is a sad thing because we really needed to be able to think and grow for ourselves when we should have. If only for the simple fact it is a hell of a lot easier to do it when you're 3-5 years old than a middle-aged chick. Much like how little kids figure out the VCR controls! LOL!

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time0 said:
Dear Sara,

I don't remember that part of my life. Not even a minute of it, nothing. It's like I have never been a small child.

The parts I sometime do remember is when I'm much older but even these, are rare in my mind.

(((((((((((((((((((Sara))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for caring!

time0

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((((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))

time0

A lot of you are scare to post. I am also scare to post.

time0

What is meant by this Time? Scared of what?

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time0 said:
A lot of you are scare to post. I am also scare to post.

time0

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Scare of not saying the right words and be judge or rejected because of it. Scare of bringing more hurt into my heart because I have not written the right words. Scare because I am not in a good place and I can hardly hold as it is. Scare because I make a lot of mistakes and I could make another one very easilly and get someone angry at me. I'm just scare.

time0

I'm so sorry that you are afraid Time. Is it my words that scare you?

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time0 said:
Scare of not saying the right words and be judge or rejected because of it. Scare of bringing more hurt into my heart because I have not written the right words. Scare because I am not in a good place and I can hardly hold as it is. Scare because I make a lot of mistakes and I could make another one very easilly and get someone angry at me. I'm just scare.

time0

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No Sara, not your words. Do not worry sweetie!

(((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))

time0

Oh I see now. The actual putting yourself out there is what is scarey. Understandable. There was a time when I was also in a most lonely place in that I would stand in the yard, look up at the stars and feel so damn small. Sigh.........those were bad old days. At the time I couldn't step out of what I thought was my lifelong situation. But Time, it can change. It could be something really small that will come along, or really big, you just have to be open to it when it comes along. For me it was a personal trauma in February that broke the spell I had put myself in for safekeeping all these years. The BPD resurfaced with nearly all the problems it carried and forced me to search for answers. Because there was a price if I failed, my husband. This is the goal that caused me to go forward, regardless of the pain it caused.

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time0 said:
No Sara, not your words. Do not worry sweetie!

(((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))

time0

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For me rejection is the worst part of APD. Some people can say: " Well if this person doesn't accept me it is her lost not mine." and will keep moving on and even forget about it. But I don't.

I don't want pity here I'm just saying it as it is for me. Rejection always stab me like a sword and it always takes me a long time to recover from it. I never do recover from it completally as it leaves a scar that never do heal.

I can keep on telling myself that I cannot please everyone and some people will not accept me and they will reject me and this happens to everyone and it's ok.

But "it is not ok for me".

I really have to fight with myself to not shut everyone out. To not feel like trash. To not feel I'm not worth it. To not feel I just bother. To not feel that people are rejecting me because I'm only s**t. To not isolate.

Rejection hurt me so much. I know it is because I was rejected as a child. I just can't deal with it. I have such a hard time with this one.

I am the same ...... I can tell myself what I "should" feel but it doesn't change what I do feel.
Like you said, a sword in the heart

((((((((((((Time0)))))))))))))

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time0 said:
For me rejection is the worst part of APD. Some people can say: " Well if this person doesn't accept me it is her lost not mine." and will keep moving on and even forget about it. But I don't.

I know. Been there Time. My answer was to walk away from whoever rejected me. Hey, did this to my mother as I am 2000 miles + away from her. And Haven't seen her face to face for 8 years or so. This sort of reaction to rejection kinda keeps your circle of friends at a minimum.
I don't want pity here I'm just saying it as it is for me. Rejection always stab me like a sword and it always takes me a long time to recover from it. I never do recover from it completely as it leaves a scar that never do heal.

I can keep on telling myself that I cannot please everyone and some people will not accept me and they will reject me and this happens to everyone and it's ok.

But "it is not ok for me".

I really have to fight with myself to not shut everyone out. To not feel like trash. To not feel I'm not worth it. To not feel I just bother. To not feel that people are rejecting me because I'm only s**t. To not isolate.

Rejection hurt me so much. I know it is because I was rejected as a child. I just can't deal with it. I have such a hard time with this one.

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I haven't posted in a few weeks since I've been busy, but I want to share something with you about the rejection issue. I had it bad, real bad with my husband. It was horrible throughout our marriage together over the years, and for my supposed self-protection, I split him. Tolerate, but distanced myself emotionally to stop from being hurt. I did this for 5 years, really, 5 years. When I had this incident in February, I opened myself up to him, just in time to keep him from giving up on me totally, but I was back to the same person as before. Jealous, easily hurt, offended, etc., and the fighting began again. The voices were back, the pain, the emptiness was being felt at times, and I began searching. You know some of what I've written about, and I admit I've had some setbacks at times. But I've had several instances of enlightenment too. I think though instead of telling you here, I should start a thread so others may see what happened and not have it get lost in a thread. Because what happened to me, is what happens to us all when we take on the feelings of rejection.

It may take me a day or so to get it on the board, as I have taken up my art again, and I need some time to think about the words to use for you.

(((((((((((((((Time0)))))))))))))

sigh,
Fuzzy

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. You are very kind!

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time0 said:
Scare of not saying the right words and be judge or rejected because of it. Scare of bringing more hurt into my heart because I have not written the right words. Scare because I am not in a good place and I can hardly hold as it is. Scare because I make a lot of mistakes and I could make another one very easilly and get someone angry at me. I'm just scare.

time0

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Arghh.... what happened to my long post? Anyway to summarise what I said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{timeO}}}}}}}}}}

Just to let you know that you are not alone in this. From your posts, you're a great person with lots of love to give. You have been a great source of encouragement to me just by being "physically" on the forum, despite of what you post.. I'm serious (dont' even think you'll ever be judged or rejected )!! Don't be scared dear.... we are conquerers and we will get through this! I can totally understand what you're going through... I undertstand all the emotions you wrote and I know how hard and scary it may be... but all of us shall pull through this together... rememebr you're not alone in this!

Take care!

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time0 said:
Scare of not saying the right words and be judge or rejected because of it. Scare of bringing more hurt into my heart because I have not written the right words. Scare because I am not in a good place and I can hardly hold as it is. Scare because I make a lot of mistakes and I could make another one very easilly and get someone angry at me. I'm just scare.

time0

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Thank you sweetie!

(((((((((((((Sunsetbay))))))))))))))))