[TgrsPurr]

Just finding out that I have BPD has left me in fear of seeing and talking to ppl...I'm afraid that BPD will reveal it's ugly head and get me into even more trouble. I've always lived an isolated lifestyle...I've always preferred it that way. I don't like having friends, I don't like letting ppl to get too close to me. When I have allowed myself to get into romantic situations and taken my guard done...it's always blown up in my face by behaving in extreme and intense attachment to that guy. It becomes too much for them and it scares them away. When that happens, I become psycotic about making their life a living hell. It's the old "love/hate" mentality.
I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this, except to release my thoughts and feelings about this whole new understanding of why I become the way I do. So I've pulled inside myself. Too much fear of what will blow up in my face next. I can't trust myself, and for good reason.
TgrsPurr, xo.

[Overcastbutclearing]

I can understand your fear.
Hopefully learning more about yourself, why you think the things you think...and do the things you do...will help you to relieve some of the fear that is placed on you.
I was dx with BPD many years ago. It is a difficult disorder to get a grip on..no doubt. Remember though...your don't have a sign hanging from your neck that you have BPD. You may feel like someone can see through you...but I bet your walls are as thick and heavy as mine.
It is difficult letting in new people...as well as people you have known for a long time. I struggle all the time with this.
I hope you will use the boards to get out your feelings and talk about your fears.
You can pm me anytime....

[Rapunzel]

((((TgrsPurr))))

I'm glad that you are starting to share about yourself here. This is a good place where you can take some risks about being open that are too scary IRL. Developing online relationships was a first step for me in learning how to have friends and talk to people. I hope that it is a good experience for you too.

Rap

[sara1010]

I too was going to say that people are't going to see something different in the way you look, no signs, no stamp on your forehead, nothing like that as Susan says. It is not the horrible you are making it out to be either. Yes, it 'feels' horrible because of how we beat ourselves up, but it's not your fault you have this disorder, beleive me it's not. And we (as I did) want to blame others for it, like our parents, but they were just as victimized by their parents, so we could feel sympathetic for them actually.

No one is saying now that you know what is affecting you that you have to suddenly change how you live. Take me for example, I have known about my BPD for 7-8 months and I have managed to change some little things that have made differences in how comfortable I am in public and with co-workers. Example, in past years I have never, ever eaten meals with the co-workers, because I felt 'funny' doing so. Last week we had our Turkey Day luncheon and I choose to stay in the room with the other ladies. As I sat and ate, I realized this was the first time I had done this on my own. So I probbed a bit to see 'how I was feeling as a result of this action' , (you know how we love to self-analyze. LOL!) and discovered I felt pretty good about the whole thing. That hey, it wasn't that bad after all. LOL! Hehehe, silly me.

Tiger, the only thing that should be asked of yourself at this time, is to be kinder to yourself. Though it can help to be aware of which part of you becomes crazy when your guard is down, by monitoring the thoughts and ideas that pop into your head suddenly. Write them down, count to ten a few times to give yourself time to see whether it's a valid thought from the Adult you or one that comes from the Child or Parent within. I started writing stuff down the minute I found out because I knew it would help by getting it out before I did something about what I found in my thoughts. As well I can go back through the pages and read how 'bad' I was then, and come up with ideas on how to change something to stop the repeats.

You know I'm married, and I gave my hubby so much grief I'm amazed he stayed so long, so I know what the making their life a living hell is all about with the 'love/hate' part. I was so needy I couldn't leave, and he tends to attract needy people so he found it difficult to leave me. I think he had the same love/hate thing going for me as well at the same time.

I think it would help if you had a person you could talk with about the BPD issues, is that in the works?

If it's going to be a while, this site is a good place to get stuff off your chest.