Ok.

The more I peruse this website and read up on what I know I DO have - Adhd and Anxiety Disorder-

The more I question certain things I have done in the past.

When extremely upset, I have a tendancy to sort of... go numb i guess. I will literally sit there and just sort of space out. Like Im still there, but Im not there at the same time.. Its hard to explain. I never thought much of it until I have been examening myself lately and my mental health.

On top of that, in the past when I have gotten extremely upset, I will end up crumpling into a little ball and crying and screaming... and talking and feeling like a little girl. Its mostly happened after agruments with exboyfriends or when I think they are going to leave me...

The other day I had a flashback that really hurt, I remember being really young, like 3 or 4.. I can remember I used to have this game where I would be mean to the cat, and then I would pretend to be "June" and be nice and "rescue" the cat.

Its kind of disturbing. Presumably I seem to remember mimicing my abusers in the fact that one minute they would be nice to me, one minute they were hurting me.

Not to mention I swear I have seperation anxiety disorder. Like, when I get broken up with IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD and nothing, I SWEAR nothing has ever hurt so much and so deep.

I know I sound confused, I dont even really know why Im writing this post.. Im just.
I dont know what I am, thats why I am writing this post.

I'm always frightened that people are going to leave me.

When I was born, I was with my birthmom until age 6 months. then they placed me with a foster family, until age 16months. then I was adopted. At age 12 I was placed in protective custody with Childrens Aid Society, and bounced from foster home, to group home to group home. At age 18 I moved out on my own.

I struggle every day because I have noone it seems. I mean, who do I fall back on? I dont have the comfy family to fall back on option, and sometimes I just feel exhausted by having to be my own parents.

Wow, what a big convaluted post....

i feel like Im on the verge of something.. but I dont know what..
Im kind of scared. Im kind of messed up.
I DONT WANT TO BE like this.

Im terrified because I have an appointment with a t. Jan 10th. Im scaredscaredscared that its going to open up a horrible can of worrms.

The last time i started getting into therapy and my childhood, I completely broke down. I couldnt work, I couldnt sleep...
I just want to run and avoid this, but I want to be better too...

I dont know I just wish. I dont even know what I wish. I just wish.

[sara1010]

There is nothing to fear except fear itself.

From what it seems in your post the feelings you have are those of a child. You know that right? I would suggest the link in my siggy for you to read and look into Transactional Analysis which will help you to recognize the issues you have. Possessing the emotions of a child in an adult body is scary. The fear can be horrible because at 4-5 years old, there is no control.

Wow. you have been through allot. I am so impressed that you are conquering your fears to push beyond the past. You will find more freedom in your emotions and life as you work through your issues.

I can identify with feeling like I have no one to fall back on. One thing that has helped me is getting involved where I can meet stable people and mentors. Church is a good place. A ladies group may allow you to open up and share about yourself and find someone who welcomes you in their life.
*Hugs*

[Lexicon78]

Well, I wouldn't say that this can't be figured out. What stuck out for me when reading your post is that you have dissociation and flashbacks. Those often go hand in hand in my experience.

You're not alone. Hang in there and take care.

well guys.

I have figured some stuff out. Not a whole lot. But its a start.

So far they think that I definetly have some personality issues. The psychiatrist that i saw identified traits of dependant and avoidant personaility disorder. Now theres a kicker eh?

as well, over christmas, I sort of had a bit of a breakdown and a little came out and talked , well.. i dunno if thats the best way to describe it but its the best way that I can think of.

she wont tell how old she is, but she feels like she may be around six or seven. shes really frightened and from what I can tell she hides alot, and has been hiding for a long long long time..

It is starting to make sense now though the times that i cant remember.. like these big memory blanks..

So i am taking it one day at a time. Its going well though.