[Frozen_Heart]

No matter how much I talk or hang with people, I always get the sense that I don't fit in. Like somewhere deep inside, I'm flawed. I hate that feeling and just wish I had the sense that I am accepted or likeable or loveable.

[sammi]

(((((frozen))))
yeah i know even when i am with a group of my friends, i always feel like that. Like i don't belong or that they don't really want me there. i don't know what to tell you to help you but were all here for you frozen. And you r a likeable person.

Tc

[Frozen_Heart]

Exactly, Sammi. I just want to belong. Maybe it's because I hide from myself, so to speak. I keep so many things in and hide a lot of things I do. I was reckless yesterday... really reckless, so maybe that is why I'm feeling this way now. I don't let anyone 'know' me, if they did they wouldn't like what they see.... I know I don't.

Hi Frozen,
How were you reckless? Well, let them not like you for who you really are but then they may like you for who you are also. I know that's easier said then done, though.
I have the same problem. I get angry instead of getting sad and that puts people off but it makes me feel safe because then I'm not vulnerable. I'm only making things worst. Instead of just saying "I'm really sad" or god forbid, I cry in front of anyone. I think it comes from being abused and my father telling me not to cry or he'll give me something to cry about while he was whipping me with a wet belt.

[Frozen_Heart]

((((Jax)))) My father never laid a hand on my as a child, he did slam me into a wall and threaten to take me out almost two years ago but, like your father, you don't cry, you don't have mental issues, and you do everything 100% correctly. Mistakes are not allowed.

I may save my reckless discussion for my T. I just know that I was reckless and haven't been like that in a while. It's nothing I did at home, I was out and about last night by myself. By the end of the evening, I was in the company of one friend who was witness to it all. I felt like a totally different person.

Hmmmm..... now I feel a little uncomfortable just saying as much as I have. It kills me to wonder what people must think of me.

((((Frozen)))))
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude. You didn't have to say anything. You're not feeling comfortable being vulnerable either. It's okay, you're safe with me.
We all act reckless at times. Just put a couple of drinks in me and omg I am sure to be reckless. It's why I've stopped drinking.
I don't think you are in anyway an outsider on this forum. If you do feel that way-I don't see it.
I hope you're no longer feeling uncomfortable.

[Frozen_Heart]

I didn't feel you were trying to intrude. Sometimes, I have the urge to just spill out every negative thing I've done over the past. One thing I'm concerned about is anyone being able to pinpoint me outside this forum. You know what I mean, like someone who actaully knows me. I guess the chances a zero to none but the thought crosses my mind, so I do try to leave out a lot of details.

I appreciate that you have taken the time to read and reply, you'll never how much that means to me. Sometimes, I leave these boards feeling more empty, but I know it's all in my head.

Thank you, Jax!

You can spill everything negative out that you've ever done to be judged and hope that someone still loves and cares about you.
I think a lot of people would.
If they know who you are when they read this and don't have anything positive to say or feel for/about you then they got their own issues they're dealing with and they're just projecting them onto you, so don't even worry about them.
I use to feel that way too, about feeling empty sometimes on this forum but then I figure whenever I'm having a bad day-there's always someone else on here who's having a lot worst day and the other members read my post and know that I'll be okay where as the other person or persons really need that extra support at that time. So, I always try to look for that/those people and focus on them and it helps me to forget about what I'm feeling sad about.
When I am really bad-I notice I get all the responses and help I need. Members on this forum seem to sense when something is urgent. ((((Frozen)))) If it is ever urgent but there are a lot of other urgencies and you're left feeling empty, please don't hesitate to PM me. Okay?

[Frozen_Heart]

You give great advice Jax. I do try to realize that I need to spend more time supporting than anything, it does help get my mind off of my issues.

I'll keep you in mind if I ever need a friendly private ear.

Hi Frozen,
That's not how I meant it. I meant-if I had my arm chopped off one day there is always someone on here that had their arm and their leg chopped off. Everyone is more concerned with the person who has both their leg and arm chopped off than me with just my arm chopped off. It's not that my chopped off arm isn't important, it's just that everyone is more concerned for the other. I decide instead of taking it personally to scope out who it is that's had a worst day then I did and sometimes in reading about them having both their arm and leg chopped off-I don't feel so awful about having just my arm chopped off.
I didn't mean-stop crying about yourself and go support other people. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I, in no way, even thought on those terms when writing that response back to you.
I apologize for not stating what I meant more clearly, I can see how you would read that from what I wrote.
I sometimes dont express myself the way I mean to.

[sammi]

"Maybe it's because I hide from myself, so to speak. I keep so many things in and hide a lot of things I do. I was reckless yesterday... really reckless, so maybe that is why I'm feeling this way now. I don't let anyone 'know' me, if they did they wouldn't like what they see.... I know I don't. "

Yeah same goes Frozen. I think its like we put up so many walls to keep everybody else out. So when we go out we feel like people don't really know us, The truth be known sometimes ( i know at least i feel this way) we don't really know ourselves

[Frozen_Heart]

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Jax2923 said:
I didn't mean-stop crying about yourself and go support other people. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I, in no way, even thought on those terms when writing that response back to you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I didn't take it that way at ALL!! Turns out, I didn't express myself clearly enough. What I was trying to say was that when I come onto here and try to 'be there' for someone else, that, at times, is the most healing.

((((((Jax))))))

[Frozen_Heart]

Amen, Sammi!! I hate that you feel the same way but it is also comforting to know that I'm not alone.

(((Sammi)))

[Snowbird]

I feel as you do. All my life I've felt that I was in the way, that I was taking the place of a 'real' person. I've even felt that I was taking up someone else's space, air, etc.

It's been difficult. I never know how to react to every day conversations or situations. It's as though I am in a play but I've never read the script.

I know my mother made my sister and I feel as though we shouldn't 'intrude on life'. So I'm wondering if perhaps this is a depersonalization disorder of some sort.

At one point when things were really bad for me I remember having to shop for my kids clothing in a Wal-Mart type department store and I felt as though I should be apologizing to the other shoppers in case I bought anything that rightfully go to them.

Sign me up to the funny farm.

[Frozen_Heart]

Snowbird, First welcome!! What you said really struck me about your mother not allowing you to intrude on life. It reallys says so much to me. All this time, I been given examples of who does a good job but no matter what I'm doing it isn't the correct way; there is ALWAYS a better way. From peeling an apple to rotating tires on a car or even the way I kept my purse as a teenager, my father always pointed out what was wrong. I'm terrified to give my own opinion and at times wonder if I even have one. I just want to do what is agreable to everyone around me; don't make waves and just try to pleasing and accomodating.

so, the depersonalization makes sense to me. I am not a person, everyone else is but I will never match up too or fit in with the normal people.

(at least that is what my brain was trained to think)