[valcat]

I really need to vent and I am hoping that someone out there can identify with these crazy feelings and emotions I am going through.
I will give some background info- I am 26 and have been dealing with depression for 10 years, as well as self-injury. I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder NOS (not otherwise specified), NOS because I don't quite fit all criteria for borderline personality disorder.

I am a recovering pain pill addict. I have 78 days now. Right now that seems like the only thing going right. I am married with a husband and two kids. I work on the weekends and go to school on week nights...majoring in psychology.

Lately, I just feel like I am losing my mind. One minute I am fine and the next I am raging and so angry. What am I angry at?? I don't know. I have such a great family and I feel like I am pushing everyone away. When my husband isn't here all I want is for him to be here and when he is I find myself picking fights with him or just being manipulative. I feel like if I don't get my way about something I turn into a child throwing a temper tantrum.

So...that's the general idea. My emotions are just so crazy. I don't know what to do.

I tried talking to my husband about how I feel and I got so upset that I was sitting there beating my leg with my fist.

I just want to know that I am not the only person feeling this.

Thanks for listening

((((Valcat)))))
I understand the anger. You could have something unresolved from your past that you need to concentrate on and make peace with? Or maybe you're feeling taking for granted or taken advantage of? Maybe you're feeling like you don't have any time to yourself. You got a husband, kids, you have to do housework, you're going to school and you're working on the weekends. You could be tired and needing a break from it all?
Half the battle if figuring out what you're angry over-then the real fun begins-trying to find a way of resolving it...
I hope you find the source of your anger soon and your husband stays supportive of you through out.

[Frozen_Heart]

You might as well be talking about me. I'm happy to report though, with meds and therapy, I haven't had a fit of rage in 8 days..... It was the best step I ever took, going to therapy and just laying all my 'crazy' cards out on the table. I'm starting to like me and, also, take care of me (because no one ever has). It is still a daily struggle and I have some anger focus sayings taped up in different locations around my house. It all feels like things may be normal or under control soon.... even my children have noticed a big difference (too late for the now ex-husband) but at least my children have seen me actively making an effort to modify my behavior.

Hang in there.... find resources in your area and take care of YOU!!!

[valcat]

Thanks Jax and Frozen Heart-
Lately these cycles of getting angry just because I can't do something I want to do, have just gotten worse. I literally feel like I am going crazy and don't understand why I am acting or reacting in the ways I do.

Frozen Heart, can you give my any examples of stuff to distract from the anger. I think you mentioned having sayings around so that you could look at them.

So far, only minor ripples in the water...just trying to enjoy a few moments of sanity.

Thanks for responding to me. It helps so much to know that I am not alone in this horrible spot.

valerie

[Frozen_Heart]

Well, one of the things I'm working on is 'Mindfulness'. Basically, all I'm trying to do is to recognize my behavior and try to make a different choice or outcome.... The complete handout given by my T was the following:

Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for changing habitual emotional reactions that hijack our ability to think clearly, act skillfully and live meaningfully. Like many other healthy habits, mindufulness becomes stronger and more effective as we repeatedly apply it to our lives. To increase your mindfulness skill, each time you encounter a negative emotion that that threatens to dominate your awareness (for example, irritation, impatience, anxiety, anger, etc.), practice applying the four-step model set forth below.

STOP
BREATHE
REFLECT
CHOOSE

Basically, at the first sign of anger (in my case), I try to stop and just say, 'OK, here it comes'. Then I try to understand why I'm angry, i.e., has my core beliefs been attacked, do I feel generally attacked, has something that has signifigance in my life been alterted or tainted.....

Then I try to really breath. Not just count to ten but, sorta, go inside myself to remind 'me' that I have the power to choose how I will react.

Then reflect...... am I repeating my old patterns, is my impulse a learned behavior from a bad role model, is this a replay of a past experience.....

Then I finally choose.... make a choice of how to react...

Amazingly... this really works for me... I have had a relapse or two but I'm trying to stay focused on relearning my habits. I used to go off into terrible rants: veins popping out of my neck, spit spilling out of my mouth from becoming so angry (I didn't control it, it just happened), to some form of self-injury. My ex used to say I was like living with a trained grizzly bear.... he just never knew when I'd turn on him....

So...... around the house, I have those four little steps laminated to a wall in places I would normally look.... fridge, bathroom, living room, etc.....

Most importantly..... my T let me realize that my anger was learned behavior (one that I have been teaching to my children) but now, I know I can face it and change it. I feel so empowered..... I just can't describe how 'in-control' I feel lately.

PM any time...... I do find some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. This is a part of myself that has kept me from getting close to people, I feel shame for my past behavior but have forgiven myself and know that I'm making positive changes.......

[valcat]

Frozen Heart-
Thank you so much for posting that for me!
I have been trying to step back when I feel the anger coming but that is about as far as I get. I start looking for ways to numb my feelings and to generally just escape.

I am definitely going to make note of the great advice you have given me. I have learned that I am the only one who can help myself. There is no magic fix.

Thanks for being there!!
valerie

[razeljenny]

Hey, I too have been getting into serious social trouble lately with this anger reaction. Thanks a million for the advice therapist gave you

Stop= Oh no here it comes, I am mad, angery uh oh
Breathe=I am going to just Really really breathe

Reflect= am I about to repeat old habit patterns
Choose = choose how I will react

This is just the thing I needed to give to my Therapist because we are working on a treatment plan for me and I didn't have a clue what to do for this uncontrolled rage type angry stuff, I have been getting this year, out in the big world out there. Oh embarrased

[Frozen_Heart]

Yes, my T has helped soooo much. I hate that I didn't see her last week and I've forgotten to schedule a appointment this week. Unfortunately, after all my talk yesterday, I had a relasp (as I like to call it) today.

I hope you don't mind if I share this on your thread but I'm hoping you can relate to the 'grizzle'. I was getting my children ready for school in the morning and I was late. I was late because 'I' hit snooze too many times. So, when my mother arrived to watch the non-school going kids while I went to college, she realized I wasn't even close to being ready and had to leave in 10 minutes. I get soo frustrated because she's trying to help but it irritates me. She says things like, "Ya know, you should have the kids lay out there clothes at night' and things of that nature. Well, I'm just trying to get out the door, I have to stay focused and it wasn't because the clothes were laid out, I was late because "I" slept in too long. Then she says she should have called me this morning (which irritates me, she tried to do that last sememster but ultimately, it's my responsibility to get my behind out of bed).... anyway, she tries to give me another pointer on making things eaiser in the morning and I caught myself being short with her. I did stop and say, 'Mom, I don't mean to be short with you but I understand that would help but I'm late because I slept in'.... Then she comes back with 'Well, if I talked to you like that, you'd go balistic on me' in a snotty, whiney sorta voice....

Well, I just exploded. I can't even remember the things I said now but I know I was nasty then walked into hall and head butted the wall (my head still hurts). Then she says, oh, that will help'. And I yell back... 'Yes, it did, you outta try it sometime... I wonder who taught me that little trick.... you or dad'

Well, anyway.... we haven't discussed it anymore between each other... just go on pretending that didn't happen this morning.... I'm angry with myself because I allowed myself to snap. It was silly and stupid and I'm embarrased everytime I act that way......

Ok... WOW.... TMI, huh? *sigh* well, for me it helped to spill it.....

[valcat]

Frozen Heart-
Thanks for sharing that with me. It sounds like me. I need to see my therapist, the last time I saw him was last week and it was the last visit my insurance covers for the rest of this calendar year. At first I thought I would be okay, but these last few days I don't know if I can take it. I can see him if I have $80 per visit and that's just not financially easy right now. I think my therapist actually thinks I am doing better...if only he could have seen me these past few days.

I got mad this afternoon and just stood outside hitting everything in site with a broom.

Maybe part of this is that I can't see my therapist. I think he will forget about me or I feel as though after me seeing him for 4 years that he should care enough to help me work something out. Maybe he just doesn't get me.

I have to do something my husband is tired of these tantrums and watching me hurt myself and then threaten suicide. I tell him how much better off everyone would be without me.

I just feel lost right now...this anger stuff is stronger than I have ever felt it.

On top of this, I am recovering from pain pill addiction...so life just seems so boring and mundane. I don't want to go back there, because one pill will never be enough.

I've got to get myself together....but, I don't know where to start.

thanks for listening and feel free any of you to share your stories.

v

[Sarah116]

First of all that is great you came here and posted that. What a great start! Maybe you should try seeing a Doctor. Or try some sort of relaxing activity. Like Yoga!