[anniego]

My sister Susan recently died of an accidental drug overdose of oxycontin. She had been a drug abuser
over 25 years. Susan had borderline personality disorder
and was extremely cruel to family. There was no friends
left because of her personality. Susan was my little sister
and we were very close growing up and I struggled to stay
close and help her as adults but her anger, cruelty and refusal to look at her behavior made it impossible to maintain our close bond. I'm struggling with her death
and am having horrible dreams daily. Is there a support
group for family and friends of BPD? I need help
processing her behavior and untimely death. I'm sad
and angry.
Thanks,
Ann

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

I'm sorry I don't know of a place that you ask about-- hopefully in time, someone will come along that knows and will point you in that direction. In the mean time-- there is a "Grief/loss" forum here you can post on if you want to.

I hope you find, as I have, that people here are kind and caring.

anniego

[anniego]

Thank you so much for caring. I miss her so much already.
I miss what could have been.

Hey there. You might find it helpful to read something like "I hate you don't leave me" or maybe even Marsha Linehan's book on how to treat BPD. Both of those offer really good insights into the rationale for borderline behaviours from a fairly non-judgemental stance. It can indeed be hard to see what could motivate cruel and abusive behaviour.

I'm fairly sure that there are support boards out there for family members and friends of people who have BPD. I've never looked to any personally. I'm not sure how useful they are and how much they disintegrate to mudslinging and venting.

I know that having a family member / friend with BPD can be very challenging indeed. Really very challenging. Can rip the family apart. Can split the family into the group that tolerate the person and those who have had enough and simply can't cope with the person anymore.

Oftentimes the family members / friends of someoen with BPD find benefit in councelling themselves so that they can come to understand some of the rationalle for the borderline behaviours. Also to process some of the feelings of helplessness (that you can't fix the person) and anger (in response to their apparant cruelty and disregard of others) and shame (that they feel angry toward a person that they love) etc etc. People with borderline personality disorder are emotionally intense individuals and as such they tend to elicit intense emotional responses from others. It can feel very emotionally draining and sometimes the person simply exhausts our capacity to deal with them...

I'd reccomend that you have a chat to someone (a therapist) about what has happened. Death of a family member can be very hard indeed. The circumstances around the death make it even harder. The mixed feelings you have about the person (good and bad memories) make it harder still. The incomprehensibility of their actions... Still harder.

Of course you might find the support that you need off boards... But please don't be afraid to get some therapy yourself to help you deal with this stuff. Would be really very hard for anyone...

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss try to just think about the good times for a bit, not what you think you might have had in the future, for that kind of thinking can really make you feel worse!

There are hotlines all over to call... free...and to chat with them about the loss and how sad you are feeling... I've worked them in the past and it's quite acceptable to reach out that way.

I think, personally, that borderline personality disorder is such a tough dx, in that it seems to be an "in between" dx... until they and you figure more things out Just do your best for the time being, Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. (((hugs)))

[Perna]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Here's a site for parents who have lost a child to an overdose but I imagine they would love mutual help from/to you (or e-mail the people running it to ask about your situation and if there's a comparable site?): http://www.healingheart.net/Child_drug_overdose.htm

This looks like a good organization http://www.kara-grief.org/index.html#groups It's in California but maybe e-mail them and they can tell you how to find something similar in your area?

They review a book, Disenfranchised Grief http://www.kara-grief.org/Reviews/Di...ief_Osborn.htm which is about people in your situation. You might look for that?

I hear you annie...support on the way.

[anniego]

Thank you. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in years
to talk out some of my feelings. I'm sure it will help.
Annie

[anniego]

Perna,
Thanks so much. I will look at these sights for help. I will see a therapist tomorrow who is supposed to be good.
I'm sure talking about it will help a great deal.
Annie

[anniego]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful insights and loving
support. I saw a therapist today for 1.5 hours and had
a great session with him. Talking about Susan was very
cathartic and balancing. I also had learned 2 wks before
her death that my long-distance boyfriend of 5 years was married so I've suffered a great deal of loss lately. I feel
much better now and look forward to going back home to Houston for the Holidays and starting to heal with Susan's 18yr old daughter and Susan's husband, along with the rest of our family members. Our family had been torn apart by Susan so we have much work to do. I will think of Susan every day of the rest of my life and will miss the little
sister who kissed frogs and whose hand I held until she could sleep. The bad memories will fade with time I trust.
Thanks again for all your kindnesses.
Annie

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I wish you and your family much success in your healing work. I'm so happy to see you say that you have much work to do because it says you are healing and that you are committed to doing the work.

I had to reply though, to tell you this: I wish I wasn't but I am the Susan in my family. And I had a sister who held my hand until I could fall asleep, I was afraid of everything. I will never forget that my sister did that for me. It makes me feel good to think about how she did that for me; all I had to do was say her name and she would give me her hand.

Susan was so lucky to have a loving sister like you. I don't know, but I imagine that in quiet and fearful moments, she remembered you holding her hand and was comforted by that memory.

Bless you and your family

[Direction]

Sorry for your loss

The author of "I hate you don't leave me" has an updated book - I read it once - being unofficially diagnosed it didn't seem to help so I ended up throwing it out

But I thinked it helped with my journey - it may help you in understanding?

[Direction]

I found the title - "Sometimes I act Crazy : Living with Borderline Personality Disorder"

[anniego]

Thanks Direction. I recently bought 5 books on BPD and
am learning a great deal. It's helpful. But I also realize that
I also just need to let myself grieve. I go to Houston tomorrow and look forward to spending time alone at
Susan's grave. I wasn't able to spend time alone with her
at the funeral and it has bothered me. As a family we haven't had a happy Christmas or family gathering for
over 25 years due to Susan's anger and sabotage of the events. Now, we will have a chance to make good new memories while my parents are still alive. The healing for
Susan's daughter will take time but already she's making
progress so we are all hopeful.
Thanks again,
Annie