[live_to_row]

My wife has been diagnosed 3 years ago with bpd (borderline personality disorder). she refused then and still refuses to get help. we are at the point were she is tearing our marriage apart with her actions. I tell her that when she does these things she devalues our marriage and puts it in trouble. the other day she started to ask the question why do I do this why am I this way. we have talked about our marriage problems and I gave her the boundary of "if you want to stay involved in my life you will seek help for your disorder". I think this may have been a mistake. at this point was I wrong and our marriage is over? or have I finally made a healthy choice for both myself and my wife? I know you can not force someone to change but I can no longer live like this. at the same time I feel guilty for wanting normal life and feel like I am the bad guy for wanting to leave at times.

Please help

Brian

[gwen26]

HI,
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I'M IN YOU WIFE'S SHOES RIGHT NOW. MY HUSBAND PACKED UP HIS STUFF AND LEFT ME AND AT FIRST I FELT SO ABANONED AND SO HURT. BUT NOW 6 MONTHS LATER, I'M PRETTY MUCH OKAY WITH THE SEPARATION. (IT DOES HURT KNOWING HE DOESN'T WANT COME BACK, BUT YET I HAVE HOPE THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE.) PLEASE DON'T RUSH AT A DECISION RIGHT NOW, FOR THAT COULD CAUSE MORE DAMAGE. YOUR WIFE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT, BUT YET I KNOW IT CAUSES YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE BEING DROVE CRAZY. SEEK AN OUTSIDE SOURCE SUCH AS A COUNSELOR OR A FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND WHO COULD MEDITATE YOUR CONCERNS TO YOUR WIFE. YES SEPARTION IS AN OPTION BUT DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT IS THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. FOR WE ARE GOING TO GO THRU TRAILS IN THIS COMMITMENT THAT WE VOWED. SEPRARTING, WITH INTENTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER MAY ENCOURAGE YOUR WIFE TO SEEK THE HELP SHE NEEDS. LIKE I MENTIONED EARILER, THOUGH, DON;T LEAVE WITHOUT HER KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT IS TAKING PLACE. REMEMBER WE AS WOMEN WHEN LOVED WILL FOLLOW A MAN'S DECISION; IF DONE APPROIATELY. I HOPE THIS HELPS SOME?! PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH.
GWEN

[Perna]

I don't think "blaming" can help and perhaps insisting your wife get therapy (rather than you both do marriage counseling) is what is not helping. I'd get pretty defensive if my mate identified me as the major/sole problem in my marriage and demanded I change to suit his and his idea of what the marriage should be? My husband's ex-wife spent their marriage complaining that he didn't make her happy; kind of the same thing; not his job to make her happy.

Maybe set up a marriage counseling appointment for both of you (with a woman or two counselors, one each sex) and ask her to accompany you, giving her a couple week's notice (or ask her before you make the appointment, get her input into who to choose)? Tell her how you feel about the marriage and yourself without saying "she" makes you feel x or y. She and her behavior can't make you feel any particular way, it's your responses, not everyone would necessarily respond the same way. It is okay/great if you feel frustrated and unhappy with how YOU feel and respond to her but not okay to say she is the cause of your problems. See the difference? If you want to save the marriage, I'd ask her if she would go with you to a marriage counselor so you two can learn to work together better. If you don't want to save the marriage or if she does not want to help, then I'd go ahead with the divorce. You can't change her, only yourself and vice versa.

[gwen26]

HI,
I DO AGREE TO SEEK MARRIAGE COUNSELING. BUT TO DIVORCE? I DON'T AGREE TO. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VOWS THIS COUPLE SPOKE TO EACH OTHER? (FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.) SEPARTION YES IF HE CAN NOT HANDLE THINGS RIGHT NOW, BUT TO COMPLETLY GIVE UP ON THE MARRIAGE IS NOT GOOD. WOULD YOU SEEK HELP KNOWING YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE OVER WITH. GETTING BETTER TO HELP THE MARRIAGE IS GOING TO PUSH HER , HOPEFULLY, TO GETTING BETTER>
GWEN

[Sarah116]

THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY!!! don't give up, would you like it if she did not love you anymore because you had a Mental illness? There really is no choice what illness you have, you do not have much control. So yes it must be hard but go for therapy, Good luck and God bless you both!

[Pughead]

Therapy

Please don't give up...I know that is has to be horribly hard. I went into therapy on my own accord but felt a similar ultimatum looming. The mere thought of it scares the complete hell out of me. Actually that very fear has caused me to have a panic attack.

My wife hasn't given up on me...I need her so much...I dunno what else to say. Maybe somehow she will read this thread and it will sink in?

Best of luck to you.

[Direction]

Over the year of our separation and before the divorce became final, I had often wondered if I did everything I could. We were both dealing with really tough issues. People say, “Just do your best.” How do you decide that you’ve given your best? When do you decide that your best is just not good enough? Does it mean you failed?

Therapy is the best answer...

Divorce is the worst answer...unless you become so unhealthy your self.

I had over the course of time slipped into severe depression. I could barely function myself. The depression was too much for me to handle, and I sought medical help and was hospitalized. During this process, I made the very difficult decision to leave the house.

Hoping that the separation would allow us to work on our own issues...

How do the above question sit with you now? How will they sit with you a week from now, a month from now, a year from now?