[XxxkittykatxxX]

Just trying to see if anyone else can identify with these feelings I've been having...

I have noticed some manipulative tendencies...I have been working on them. I don't want to be a toxic person.
I also have a low self-esteem and a thing about punishing myself... I frequently put myself down, or will make myself write lines about how disgusting I am, how my coworkers would love to see me kill myself, how they're all laughing at me, how I'm just a big joke and no one takes me seriously because I'm a pathetic sl@& and stupid wh$/8s like me deserve to die...those sorts of things.
I also am almost obsessively clingy with anyone I have any slight romantic involvement with. They become my confidante in everything and when I need to tell someone if I'm hurting, if I don't tell them, another person's reassurances aren't good enough. I have to have theirs.
If I text them and they don't reply, I first go into self-hate mode...and then I'll start looking on every social media page of theirs I can see to see if they're busy. And then it's like a little imp is telling me to try another text...then try a snapchat... I've actually deleted my snapchat several times trying to stop harassing my coworker I was involved with, and have deleted and re-added his number as well. This goes on for a while. To discourage myself from texting him, or snapping him, I change his contact name into an insult that hurts so I stop...and it never works unless I'm really upset, and then only for a little while.

I self injure as well, and have been keeping it quiet, but haven't been hiding it from my former fwb. He hasn't noticed, which is why I don't feel the need to hide it.

I like being the "comedic" relief in situations...not the focus of everyone's attention but a small group's, or for one or two people... I like the idea of making someone laugh and then when they see me again, maybe they'll laugh again or feel good, or remember whatever I told them that made them laugh.

I overreact to stress, and I don't hide it very well. It's extremely easy to tell when I'm angry.

As for happy feelings....they're kind of numb. Like, "I'm not angry or sad, so I'm happy-ish"

Also, lately I've been having a lot of trouble with phobias. I'm twenty years old and Thunderstorms and lightning scare the bejesus out of me... I know this isn't normal.

Some days are good. Not as much self-hate, feel pretty okay...and then some are worse and I feel like maybe if I just disappeared, everything would be better, or I'm easy to anger and easily agitated.

I don't really like opening up to anyone IRL because a large portion of the time, I begin to attach to them...and I know that becomes a problem, especially if I'm involved with the person...

From what I can tell, I seem to be exhibiting some traits of am BPD or HPD or both... I know there's no way to diagnose someone up here--but I was wondering if anyone had similar feelings to these, or if they rang true with anyone else.

I have similar tendencies to what you describe here, not as intense as what you describe though, except maybe for the low self-esteem/self-punishment part and I feel disgusting sometimes, especially when I talk to women, and especially so if some flirtation happens, I feel like a dirty 60 year old pervert. I dream about dying a lot or killing myself even, and I wonder afterwards how people would react to that, when they find me. I often wonder if people would be sad or just blase about it. I think my parents would be sad, as for the others, I really can't say. I also feel like I deserve any bad things that happen to me. The texting thing you describe sounds very familiar. I once was in love with a girl, but I think I was in her friend zone, but I still called and texted her. But, every time I did, I felt like I was harassing her, or interrupting her evening. I also felt like she didn't really want to talk to me and she was sighing when she saw my number on her phone calling or texting her, like a "What the hell does he want now again?" type of thing. I don't know, it was just a feeling I had. I made the mistake of telling her I loved her later on and then she stopped answering my texts. I've also deleted her number to take away the temptation of possibly harassing her. I feel like I was. I also just wish sometimes I could disappear and other days I wish I was never born. I often think about that girl too and I think to myself imagine if I was never born she would never have had to meet me ever and never encountered all the trauma of harassment that she did. Also, all the trouble the other people had with me already, or just in general. I imagine all the places I am in and how it would be if I'm not there.

So for your question - yes, your situation rings very true with me, it's almost like looking in a mirror. I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself one day .

[XxxkittykatxxX]

My main problem is that after a few times of deleting their numbers, I memorize them and then it becomes pointless to delete them Because ten minutes later, I can input it back in.

Oh yeah, there is that, you are so right. I memorize things that I delete so after a few days I would just go and get it back again. I had this problem with that girl I was speaking of, I had some photos of her on my computer (nothing funny, just normal face pics/selfies, that kind of thing) and I would keep them in a special folder. I would open them just before going to sleep and switching off my PC, and then I would begin to cry about not being able to speak with her and only having pictures of her. I would then realize that was not healthy, delete the pictures and I would go say a month without it, but I know exactly where to download them again, and then I would go and get them again and make a new folder again, and the whole process repeats. At least I can't do that with her number though, I deleted it before I memorized it, so now I can't remember it and the only way we'll talk is if she phones me one day, which I don't think she ever will . Sometimes I wish she will text me or phone me. It's been two years.

[XxxkittykatxxX]

My first real relationship ended after four months, but I didn't get over him until my friends had an "intervention" and had him remove all contact from me. I felt betrayed, and couldn't believe they were talking about me/hadn't talked to me about it...

Originally Posted by XxxkittykatxxX

My first real relationship ended after four months, but I didn't get over him until my friends had an "intervention" and had him remove all contact from me. I felt betrayed, and couldn't believe they were talking about me/hadn't talked to me about it...

Oh no, that's so sad , many hugs from me for that . How can people call themselves your friends and then do that? Do you think that what they did, and the betrayal you felt, could have made your problems maybe worse somehow?

[XxxkittykatxxX]

Mmm... It helped me move on from him and I know now it was for the best, but it was still hurtful.

But, at the same time...I was pretty much obsessed with him for years after the relationship. I know now it was a good thing...

I guess you're right. To heal from something, you first need a little bit of pain or hurt I suppose. I think it's a good thing that the girl does not contact me anymore, because it is showing me she probably never thinks about me and I need to forget about her. But, it hurts so bad, sometimes I just wish I could speak with her again. I've got pictures of her in a folder again. I know I have to delete it, but I can't . Every time I do it feels like I'm losing her again .

[aprillynn197]

I have the same tendancies. I hate myself for it.

[aprillynn197]

I know the obsessive cling is annoying for people to deal with. I am clingy emotional and obsessive with people. Everything you say is familiar to me I have bpd and im bipolar with anxiety and depression just to name a few.

It's actually funny you guys mention the obsessiveness and clingyness problems you have with people. I wish someone would obsess over me like that or that a girl would even stalk me or something. Nobody has ever needed me or my opinion for anything, it feels like I'm worthless and useless to everyone .

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by XxxkittykatxxX

I know there's no way to diagnose someone up here--but I was wondering if anyone had similar feelings to these, or if they rang true with anyone else.

Hello: I would not attempt to diagnose anyone or give advise but I will tell you what I did.
I entered an assortment of 12 step support groups and some therapy which pretty much cleared up most of my "issues".
good luck,
jim