My Narcissism

I didn't really think of myself like this. Or more like I was trying to lie to myself that I wasn't a narcissist.

I'll be forever alone probably.

I realize that is how it is for me. Mainly because I'm probably a terrible person. Not just romantically but probably with friendships too. See I've been thinking over the past day and I realize how much of a narcissist I really am. In the past I didn't think of it like that. With a title. I just thought of myself as someone who was shallow.

I don't do the textbook boasting (much) of what a narcissist is but inside and with my actions I am.

I can't be friends with people who I think are better than me.

If I am friends with someone I have to feel they are worse than me. I feel good when I think people are lower than me. When I have friends that accomplish something then I feel they have become better than me, I hope for them to fail. I feel good inside when they fail because it means I am better than them. At least that is what I feel inside. Otherwise I feel hatred. Disgust. I usually just disappear on them. It's why I have no friends really. Also the fact that I am a social phobic/agoraphobic who has hidden away from the world for the past 3 to almost 4 years now.

...

In my love life which has been mainly online I am shallow and unable to accept others. I see girls and feel like they are unacceptable for me even when they throw themselves at me. Are they just attracted to narcissists? That is what has been in my head thinking of them. Some tend to run away from me because they can sense I am a terrible person probably. Or they noticed that I've basically cut off all communication from them. Mainly because I think they are unattractive or better than me.

"It's what is on the inside that counts!"

Perhaps. Maybe some can look past looks. Or most. (Are they lying?) I can't really tell. I just feel really turned off if they aren't attractive to me which I feel a lot of people are unattractive.

I've tried to change. I try to look past their looks.

It's brutal.

An intense disgust that just dwells inside. I don't want to talk to these people anymore. Eventually I give up. It's impossible to say I am not a terrible person when this is my mental process. Enjoying others get hurt because it makes me feel better about myself with my low self-esteem and lack of anything.When it comes to emotions I feel like I have to fake everything. I just try to use the appropriate emotion for the appropriate situation. Probably why I feel like everything and everyone is fake. I am projecting myself onto them.

A realization about myself I guess.

I've tried to talk about myself in the past but people tend to overall have a hatred for someone like me.

Quoting people referring to me

"A shallow womanzing bastard."
"A sick person"
"You're an unlikable person. I don't like you."

It's not like I wanted to be me. I wanted to be the good guy. Or at least I would have fantasies that I was the good guy. The hero of the story. Guess I am more like the villain.

Are you in any therapy or taking meds of any kind. If not, i would suggest that you see a doctor about your problem and start getting some help so that you will get yourself into a healthier mental position.

I'm taking 2 meds and no I'm not in therapy. I did therapy at one point though. Just for my social anxiety though which in the end ended up being unhelpful and depressing.

Sounds to me it's more Jealousy then Narcissism
What your describing is Jealousy

Here is the meaning -
Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

Good points 1968.
I personally believe that definitely insecurity, fear/jealousy/anger/resentment, etc. are definitely closely related to narcissism, and that narcissism is a front created as a sort of coping mechanism to handle intense negative emotions. The only thing is that that is all it does, it helps you cope, it doesn't fix anything. Fixing would probably be quite unpleasant and require some deep digging within, but well worth it. I hope a psychiatrist can give you some tools & exercises to work with that would help you.

I don't think you'll be alone forever. Your mindset and if you view not being alone as attainable makes a big difference. If you never give yourself a chance, you will be alone forever. The more you try, the more likely you won't be alone. The thing that makes the difference is perseverance/ determination.

Key word is trust , you have to let go of the control and trust that whoever come in your life that they want to be your friend . If they did not want to be your friend then they would not talk to you . You have to think like that .

Less control and more trust

I can relate.

In some ways I look like I'm doing okay. I'm married, I have a fantastic son. I own my own business.

But in other ways, there are problems. It may not be a problem for you, but I can be boastful and arrogant, and people often respond to that attitude with contempt.

I see your quotes.. and have had people make similar comments about me.

I don't know what the solution is. I keep going on. I try to find venues where I can be truly honest and yet keep the self-loathing to a minimum.

I don't have any real friends besides me wife, and even she isn't always on my side. But, I'm not even sure I want friends. and I've been told that most American males don't have friends (I'm not sure how true that is, but it sounds good.).

Looking back on my life, it seems I've chased away some fairly decent people. But, even they weren't perfect. They all had their own issues. Again.. I don't know what the answer is.

Now that I think about it my old friend who I had known since middle school was a narcissist probably. He was friends with me because I was a poor sad sap with no friends so that made him feel good to have someone around to make him feel better about himself and I was friends with him because I had no one else really. He really liked to go on about himself. He had great hair but I am thinking by the time we are 40 he'll be bald and i'll feel good about it when he does go bald. Probably not a good thing to think about someone.

Friends are bothersome I find. Always wanting to go out and do stuff when I just don't want to leave the house. Ever. Also they just end up being a source of jealous rage for me. I already get that enough from normal people who aren't my friends.

What I think when someone talks to me is that I am the only one around that is available to talk to. Otherwise they would much prefer to talk to so-and-so. Which has always been the case for me. At least that is what it feels like.

I think you are a talent person.
I have assumed that many affected mind people are talented persons in this forum.
You know how to speak to expose your thoughts.
After reading a thousando psychology books probably you will expose your thoughts wondderfully.

All we know the interesting question. Change to feel better.

This is the first target and all we can get a tiny target with the same clever thoughts.
All we need is focus in a simple and tiny target.

Think
Simplify
Select a behavior you want to change, or a part of it. And change it.

The change make happy to us.
Is not enough to understand. It's necessary change what you decide to change.
Even is not necesary to understand our past behavior.
Little changes forever.

Don't say, just do it.

I think is a way to feel better. New habits. Change your reactions.

It's a long road discover why you are jealous or narcisist . Or whatever you think you are.