[here today]

I would really appreciate any input here. Any input. If it's something that might generally be consider insulting, it won't be by me, in this thread. Or if I do feel insulted, that would be my problem, except that there are guidelines that PC has established for their community as a whole.

First off, I inserted a request for feedback in another person's thread. Was that out of line, does anybody think? Would it be better to limit those requests to this thread?

These question come from a (current) place of genuine cluelessness. Yes, anxiety, too. I can now tolerate the anxiety and embarassment, but I've got a lot of years of social experience to try to catch up on.

Here's another example -- I asked my daughter a question from this overanxious place this afternoon and she said, frustrated, "I don't care. I accept you as you are."

This is clearly an improvement in our relationship since last year when she wasn't speaking to me, and yet the question is obviously frustrating to her. Perhaps it's the notion that she feels it's me asking her to "clue me in" to things I "should" already know (but don't). Or perhaps she feels that she has tried to allay my anxiety since we renewed our relationship less than a year ago and yet my anxiety remains. OK -- I get that, my problem, my anxiety, take her at her word. Lesson (maybe) learned, stepped on her toes, she's not marching away and I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't asked.

Long way to go, though.

[Skeezyks]

Hello here today: I can't offer any feedback with regard to the situation you describe with your daughter. With regard to your having inserted a request for feedback in another person's thread... not knowing any of the details... I don't know as there is much I can say. On the face of it, no, I don't know why that would be considered out of line. On the other hand, it's kind-of one of those things where you get (or don't get) what you get... maybe something... maybe nothing.

I personally don't subscribe to any of the threads I reply to. (And I seldom post threads of my own.) So, if anyone comments on a reply I write on someone's thread, the chances are I'll never see it. So, you never know what the situation may be with another member here on PC. As a result, at least from my perspective, it's fine to ask for feedback. But you have to do it with the idea that you may get something & you may not. That's just the way it is.

[unaluna]

(((Here today))) i used to have this feeling. Its like, why dont you just TELL ME?!!! What changed it for me, was probably having my t respect my feelings over a long period of time. Then when i went back to my family, i could tell the difference between being respected and being jerked around. In between those two, was my old way of being, which was being jerked around by people who told me i needed to earn their respect. That is b.s.!

[leomama]

Originally Posted by here today

I would really appreciate any input here. Any input. If it's something that might generally be consider insulting, it won't be by me, in this thread. Or if I do feel insulted, that would be my problem, except that there are guidelines that PC has established for their community as a whole.

First off, I inserted a request for feedback in another person's thread. Was that out of line, does anybody think? Would it be better to limit those requests to this thread?

These question come from a (current) place of genuine cluelessness. Yes, anxiety, too. I can now tolerate the anxiety and embarassment, but I've got a lot of years of social experience to try to catch up on.

Here's another example -- I asked my daughter a question from this overanxious place this afternoon and she said, frustrated, "I don't care. I accept you as you are."

This is clearly an improvement in our relationship since last year when she wasn't speaking to me, and yet the question is obviously frustrating to her. Perhaps it's the notion that she feels it's me asking her to "clue me in" to things I "should" already know (but don't). Or perhaps she feels that she has tried to allay my anxiety since we renewed our relationship less than a year ago and yet my anxiety remains. OK -- I get that, my problem, my anxiety, take her at her word. Lesson (maybe) learned, stepped on her toes, she's not marching away and I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't asked.

Long way to go, though.

Thanks for this post here_today, this is kind of like a reconciliation ministries for me.

I left an ACA meeting because an older female member triggered me, she too had been abandoned by her daughter.

As the mother of a teenager I find myself struggling today with what's appropriate to tell her and what's not. I know she's not my friend, however she is now engaging in adult behavior, so needing to protect her innocence or naivety doesn't fit anymore.

I say this because I have been told the most difficult relationship in the world is between mothers and daughters. My daughter and I are very close, get along great, yet I am responsible for her.

I guess I am trying to empathize with your pain, if I am perceiving it correctly. Forgive me if I am wrong.

Also, I think its ok to ask for feedback on someone else's post. They can tell you if they're uncomfortable, right? I don't know what community policy is however, perhaps it goes over it in the guidelines?

leo mama

[here today]

Originally Posted by leomama

. . .
Also, I think its ok to ask for feedback on someone else's post. They can tell you if they're uncomfortable, right? . . .
leo mama

Thanks, I was in an overanxious/triggered state and was mostly concerned with the "social" OK-ness. Taking care of others. Which I ended up doing in that post anyway, actually. So if I hadn't been so overanxious I might not have been triggered by what I perceived as someone else's anxiety which I jumped in to take care of!!!

At least I had the sense, somewhere in the back of my mind, that something was a little "off", though I didn't know it at the time. I've processed it now, though I may/likely will do the same thing sometimes (jump in to take care of others) when triggered again. And people can just ignore it or tell me if they are uncomfortable, you are exactly right, I think so, too, anyway!!

Main takeaway from this experience is better info about my overanxiety. Would be tough to have endured or engaged in it in real life.

And I am very anxious when I am with my daughter these days because I "ran her off" before and she wouldn't talk to me, or even rage at me so that I knew what it was I was doing that made her uncomfortable or hurt or anything. Thanks for everything you wrote in response to that, very empathetic and I appreciate it, feel warm about it.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by here today

Thanks, I was in an overanxious/triggered state and was mostly concerned with the "social" OK-ness. Taking care of others. Which I ended up doing in that post anyway, actually. So if I hadn't been so overanxious I might not have been triggered by what I perceived as someone else's anxiety which I jumped in to take care of!!!


At least I had the sense, somewhere in the back of my mind, that something was a little "off", though I didn't know it at the time. I've processed it now, though I may/likely will do the same thing sometimes (jump in to take care of others) when triggered again. And people can just ignore it or tell me if they are uncomfortable, you are exactly right, I think so, too, anyway!!


Main takeaway from this experience is better info about my overanxiety. Would be tough to have endured or engaged in it in real life.


And I am very anxious when I am with my daughter these days because I "ran her off" before and she wouldn't talk to me, or even rage at me so that I knew what it was I was doing that made her uncomfortable or hurt or anything. Thanks for everything you wrote in response to that, very empathetic and I appreciate it, feel warm about it.

I am glad!

[Atypical_Disaster]

@here_today Do you think you tend to miss certain kinds of social cues? That's what it seems like you're saying, if I'm wrong please correct me.

[here today]

Thanks, I very well may. If I'm missing them, then I may not know what it is I'm missing! I certainly feel like I'm missing something, used to feel like when I went into a social situation that there were landmines all around that other people walked around and I didn't see.

I think I now have the capacity to begin picking some up. But there's a lot of catching up to do, so if anybody is willing to help "clue me in", I'm able to get over feeling embarrassed about my deficiencies and would be grateful for the help.

I'm also thinking I understand that lots of people who consider themselves my friends wouldn't want to tell me, for fear of embarrassing me, or also because who wants to be associated with a social idiot? It reflects on them -- so, if somebody is a friend, people tend to just ignore their ignorance. Well, I guess I do that a lot, too.

Here in the anonymity of PC calling people on their faux pas might work, though, if the person has said that they want that.

Does that make sense? Again, thanks for asking.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by here today

Thanks, I very well may. If I'm missing them, then I may not know what it is I'm missing! I certainly feel like I'm missing something, used to feel like when I went into a social situation that there were landmines all around that other people walked around and I didn't see.

I think I now have the capacity to begin picking some up. But there's a lot of catching up to do, so if anybody is willing to help "clue me in", I'm able to get over feeling embarrassed about my deficiencies and would be grateful for the help.

I'm also thinking I understand that lots of people who consider themselves my friends wouldn't want to tell me, for fear of embarrassing me, or also because who wants to be associated with a social idiot? It reflects on them -- so, if somebody is a friend, people tend to just ignore their ignorance. Well, I guess I do that a lot, too.

Here in the anonymity of PC calling people on their faux pas might work, though, if the person has said that they want that.

Does that make sense? Again, thanks for asking.

One thing I've noticed is that you worry a lot about messing up or what have you. My advice would be to not overthink this too much, take it from a fellow INTJ that has totally been there on overthinking things.

I don't think you're a social idiot. Though as far as honest feedback goes sometimes I've noticed that when you reply to posts you can sometimes be self-referential and go a bit off topic because of that. I don't know if that is at all helpful but it is something I've noticed before.

(and yes, you're making sense!)

[here today]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

. . . as far as honest feedback goes sometimes I've noticed that when you reply to posts you can sometimes be self-referential and go a bit off topic because of that. I don't know if that is at all helpful but it is something I've noticed before.

Many thanks! Good to hear how it comes off. That connects with some internal experiences, so maybe I can work on that! But the internal experience alone seems just to allow on/off, for now at least. If I can generate a better sense of myself through others' eyes maybe I won't need an outside view. But for now, many thanks!

[MtnTime2896]

Well, it'd be okay by me if you asked on a thread I made. I don't know about anyone else but I'd rather help you out than worry about other crap.
With your daughter, I'd say that it's easy for us kids to get frustrated with our parents. My mom says things that bother me because I hate hearing my mom say things that degrade her self-worth. I get upset because she is worthy to me, she's worth everything, she's my mom and I love her. I see all the other stuff, too, but I see how good she is and it pains me to know that she doesn't see it in herself. To me, she's kind of like a hero. Started out in a really bad place, always had to take the **** end in life, was explosive and kind of abusive; but she's never stopped fighting and trying to improve on herself. She's always tried to get better and be better for her kids. That's what I see and that's what I love. She's bounced back from events that would've destroyed others, she's amazing.
It's difficult for us kids to see our parent struggle or self-doubt. We look up to them in a way that we will never look at anyone else. And, yeah, young people tend to act out in frustration pretty often. We just don't know other ways to express it and we're more impulsive about things, I think. We've got a lot of learning to do, but we'll get there.
I can't tell you if you're in the wrong or right; I can tell you that the fact that you even care enough to try and figure out reminds me of my mom and that's a compliment. Go easy on yourself.

[here today]

Thank you so much for writing this. I get it. And I wouldn't have been able to hear it from my daughter, too intense and overwhelming. I'm a little overwhelmed with what you have written, too. Again, many thanks.

You may say anything you like to me and I will not be insulted. You may be as delicate or harsh as you like.

I am happy to communicate in any style you might be comfortable with.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by here today

Thank you so much for writing this. I get it. And I wouldn't have been able to hear it from my daughter, too intense and overwhelming. I'm a little overwhelmed with what you have written, too. Again, many thanks.

Sorry, it wasn't my intention to overwhelm.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Sorry, it wasn't my intention to overwhelm.

I'm sorry -- I didn't communicate well. It was with an emotional sense of openness or something, rather than my (unfortunately usual) anxiety and even fear of my daughter and her (several years ago) reactions to me.

You wrote from a perspective that never occurred to me and may very well be somewhat closer to my daughter's. Anything positive like that I might very well have dismissed, due to my own (remaining for the moment) issues.

It helps me take a chance and be more open to that with her. May not be like her at all but if my anxiety is making a wall between us now then your perspective provides me with support to try to let down my guard some. I know/expect that my guard can itself be off-putting for my daughter and our relationship. But it's kind of been stuck there -- I can freeze it out but that's not what she wants (or I want) either.

Many thanks for sharing your perspective. Like with the example of how Atypical saw things, which helped me see though her eyes, it helps give me something other than my own perspective, which is limited by fear and lack of experience in seeing anybody's perspective other than my own (fearful) one.

So, I was also overwhelmed with gratitude. My usual fearful attitude was overwhelmed. Maybe a new attitude will develop and I can just say again, thanks.

[here today]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

You may say anything you like to me and I will not be insulted. You may be as delicate or harsh as you like.

I am happy to communicate in any style you might be comfortable with.

Many thanks. I am very glad to hear that reassurance. I have worried that I have been too harsh in some of my communications in the past, but hey, this is PC and we're all grown ups here and I needed to try new stuff and ways of interacting with people, there wasn't anything like that I could get from the mental health system. It was sort of try or die.

Doesn't mean that I'm not sorry if I hurt people. But then all the emphasis on apologies, etc. Nobody's perfect, if somebody expects perfection from me then I am going to hurt or disappoint them so I either have to disappear (which I know how to do -- numb out) or hope they can take care of themselves.

Big relief. Thanks.

I have a son with Asperger's and as I said, my Mother wasn't warm and cuddly. So I am used to a certain bluntness. (also bipolar=bad filter.)

Not that you are blunt. I think we all have different "sensitivities" on this site.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

You may say anything you like to me and I will not be insulted. You may be as delicate or harsh as you like.

I am happy to communicate in any style you might be comfortable with.

I'll second the motion.

[here today]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I have a son with Asperger's and as I said, my Mother wasn't warm and cuddly. So I am used to a certain bluntness. (also bipolar=bad filter.)
. . .

I have a friend who has an adult son with Asperger's and when he’s not depressed I feel a real connection and calm when I’m with him. My late husband, as I mentioned, may very well have had schizoid PD. I had somewhat more passion than him but that kind of emotion was usually frozen or turned codependently toward him. Most of the time, though, we got along very well in the unemotional “calm”. (I did feel love and loyalty from him, though.)

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

. . .I think we all have different "sensitivities" on this site.

Very good point.

[unaluna]

Maybe we should ask for a "tell it like it is" forum. It could be a social group you have to sign into.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by here today

I'm sorry -- I didn't communicate well. It was with an emotional sense of openness or something, rather than my (unfortunately usual) anxiety and even fear of my daughter and her (several years ago) reactions to me.

You wrote from a perspective that never occurred to me and may very well be somewhat closer to my daughter's. Anything positive like that I might very well have dismissed, due to my own (remaining for the moment) issues.

It helps me take a chance and be more open to that with her. May not be like her at all but if my anxiety is making a wall between us now then your perspective provides me with support to try to let down my guard some. I know/expect that my guard can itself be off-putting for my daughter and our relationship. But it's kind of been stuck there -- I can freeze it out but that's not what she wants (or I want) either.

Many thanks for sharing your perspective. Like with the example of how Atypical saw things, which helped me see though her eyes, it helps give me something other than my own perspective, which is limited by fear and lack of experience in seeing anybody's perspective other than my own (fearful) one.

So, I was also overwhelmed with gratitude. My usual fearful attitude was overwhelmed. Maybe a new attitude will develop and I can just say again, thanks.

Oh, haha, then you're welcome.
You guys will get there. It took my mom and I a while, but all the work payed off.

Here Today, do you want my feedback? I agree with what someone else said in regards to a no filter forum. That would be so great!!

[here today]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Maybe we should ask for a "tell it like it is" forum. It could be a social group you have to sign into.

Originally Posted by Underground

Here Today, do you want my feedback? I agree with what someone else said in regards to a no filter forum. That would be so great!!

OK, I'm going to post something in the Community Feedback forum -- there's already a thread I think it will fit in with. Check there for further discussion, maybe.

Originally Posted by here today

OK, I'm going to post something in the Community Feedback forum -- there's already a thread I think it will fit in with. Check there for further discussion, maybe.

Good idea. When I first joined, I was manic and got some warnings. I am mouthy. lol

Also, i felt very limited with the no cussing rule.