[songweaver611]

Hi, I am new here but, I know my feelings are not new to anyone else here. I feel like I am going crazy, only now it has a name.
I am a 40 year old mother of 5 and I haven't even started living yet. Over the years I have been diagnosed with an axiety disorder and major depressive disorder but, never felt like those really hit the nail on the head. Then, the other day I came across some information about Dependant Personality Disorder and I saw my whole life flash in front of me.
Everyday, I fight with myself and to this day, I have no clue how I got through my husband's 18 month deployment to Iraq.
I would love to hear from someone else who has the same disorder. I know that mine started when I was very young. I had a very overprotective father and a very authoritarian and demanding mother. I can remember being afraid to go to school because my mother wouldn't be there to tell me what to do and I was afraid of doing something wrong. To this day, I still feel the same way and to make it worse, my mother will tell you that I have never made a good decision in my entire life and she is partly correct. Everything I have done and the way I have done it can be drawn directly back to this disorder. It almost controls everything.
This last month, Iost 11 pounds from an extreme bout of anxiety which hasn't entirely dissapated. I am still somewhat sick to my stomach.
I am afraid to tell my husband about this because I know he just doesn't get it. (yeah, I know...afraid of losing is support or approval). I hate this dredded thing because I run around in circles in my head all day. There is the logical side that rationally assess a difficulty and gives me one answer then, there is this other side that tells me this problem could cause an extreme shift in my life and become a major tragedy (totally irrational....I know).
Sorry this is so long....I will try to be brief with the rest.
This is my second marriage...my ex-husband (of 15 years) was an abusive alcoholic and yet, I was afraid to leave. I did awful things (that he wanted me to do) to try to gain his acceptance and ended up hating myself for those things even more.
I have completed 2 1/2 years of an English Lit degree during which time I was inducted into the English Honors Society yet, I have no faith in my ability to write nor in my intelligence.
Basically, I feel like Charlie Brown...I am afraid of everything.
Does anyone else out there feel this way?

[RiverX]

Hi Songweaver,
I was very interested to read your post and specially the way you talk about your expereinces with the disorder. You seem very aware, and that you take an active interest.
I also have a disorder, but its not the same as yours.

But I did have an almost identical experience as you when I stumbled on the knowledge, - in few minutes, all my history fell into place and I have been reading and learning since. I have realised how the disorder has been a driving force behind so much of my life, affecting and damaging my relationships and work. I have lost a lot. But having now understood, it all feels somehow more worthwhile.
What I want is that somehow my expereince can benefit others.

I do know how powerful the influence of these things can be. When I'm triggered, its like something takes over and I'm in an altered reality, like a really hidiously bad drug, I get paralysed, obsessed to the point that nothing else even seems alive than that person and my need to go back and fix and put it right and undo the betrayal, real or percieved.

You sound like you are on the path.


riverX

[Rapunzel]

Songweaver,

I relate very much to what you wrote. I was diagnosed with personality disorders (both dependent before anything else, years ago. Those keep coming back up, and I'm currently in treatment for DPD and anxiety (the last diagnoses that I was told, anyway). I've also had depression, social anxiety, and I keep trying to diagnose myself with more too. One of my pet theories is that long-standing depression is probably always related to something, such as a personality disorder or something else. I think that treating the depression symptoms is never going to solve the problem until whatever is at the root of it is addressed.

But theory and diagnoses only go so far. They aren't real life. I had a controlling and overprotective mother, and an aloof, emotionally absent father. When you grow up not being allowed to experience the world for yourself and try things out and take risks and make your own decisions, it is really hard to get over doubting yourself and being afraid of messing up. I always think that I am always wrong and everyone else is always right. If I get yelled at or criticized, then I must deserve it somehow. What I want doesn't matter. But that's staying in the victim role. It's so hard to change, but now is our chance. If not now, then when? We all make mistakes - that is how we learn. Why should that count more than the things that we do well? Why can't we accept that there are things that we do well, even better than our critics could do?

TC, and Welcome to PC.

Rap

[songweaver611]

Thank you both for writing back. It feels really good to know that there are other people who feel the same way I do. I agree that recurring or long standing depression is due to something like a personality disorder. I have fought with this all my life.
I have always doubted my own ability to make decisions and I always second guess myself, call people and ask them what they think....it is an aweful and paralizing thing to live with. Knowing what it is seems to really help though. I know now that it isn't something I just do or did to myself. I can remember being 21 years old, married, pregnant, and calling my mom umteen million times a day to ask her what I should do about x, y, z..... The amazing thing is that even though I made a lot of mistakes and she is never going to get over a lot of what I have done (she lets me know this frequently), I still feel like I have to pick up the phone and call her everyday, otherwise, I am doing something wrong.
I think that in having to deal with 5 kids (and everything else) alone while my husband was in Iraq made me face a lot of my fears and doubts and it was the most scary time in my life. Now, when I have really bad days, I try to remind myself that I can get through it and I can survive even when I am on my own. It is really rough though.
I am working on letting go of the need I have to try to fix my mom or make her like me or geesh, there is a lot there to fix...LOL.
Anyway, I think I would really like to research this a lot and write about it. High school was the most awful time in my life and it had a lot to do with this disorder. In retrospect, I cannot believe that the counselors, teachers, priest, someone didn't see that I was not alright. I have the scar on my left wrist to prove it....I did it at school, and they just patched me up and sent me back to class....(I was cutting, not trying to off myself). However, as a mom, I would not be so quick to buy the story that it was an accident. No one should have to suffer with this because it causes you to lose so much of your life - which is so precious.
I think of all the things I could have done and didn't because I was afraid to. My parents would try to send me to Pennsylvania to spend the summer with my grandmother and I would never go because, of course, I was afraid that since my mom wasn't there I would do something wrong, or not good enough, or she wouldn't be there to tell me what to do and I would make her mad....OMG...so many things I could have been and done if this thing wasn't controlling me.
It helps to see it writtien down, to know that it isn't just me, I think it helps me put it in a little better perspective.
I also had a really good talk with my husband about it and he was very supportive and asked me if I had found a counselor who could help me with it. (That actually went much better than I thought it would)
Anyway, I am so glad that I found this place and thank you so much for being here. I look forward to talking with you all some more.

[RiverX]

I was thinking about not just what you said, but its the way you say it, and I hope this will give you some encouragement, that......... the way you describe your experiences with the disorder is so clear, so honest and its like you are confronting the reality and your challenges. And that takes courage, so you seem to me to have lots of courage to draw on, and the qualities of clarity and honesty are so valuable too.
Feel free to pm me if you like.

I have been trying to challenge myself with my own behaviour recenlty. Sure as hell have my own issues still, I've been trying to be more honest with people and also more vulnerable where it is appropriate.

RiverX