[kmarie]

Things are getting so bad at my home. Of course, my "N" is good some days, but the bad days are now more than the good days. He is mentally abusing me but says it's me. I have been having panic attacks and seizures (mine are caused by a lot of stress). He claims I am mentally abusing the kids. He claims I ruined his son, because he doesn't want to face reality that his son is not him. I used to be perfect to him, be the best, be the most beautiful. Now I never get any attention expect bad attention. I am losing control because I walk on eggshells constantly. I am literally scared to say anything but some things just slip out. The other day he said he wanted to keep the family together, we are expecting a baby in January. But then he tells me I am on probation and if I don't change, he will leave. Have I been less patient with the children, yes...because of what is going on between him and me. He wants me to take an IQ test against him, to show his superiority. What kind of husband does that? I told him I am not the adversary. Yes, in school I was in the honors program and am very "book" smart. I feel this challenges him. But I don't go around shoving it in his face. He put me down because I didn't know a history question. To be honest, history is the last thing I want to think about (he watches the history channel constantly). I like the medical field. I have children with issues ADHD bipolar etc., and that is what I focus my energy on learning how to cope with them and help them. So most history knowledge from school, I graduated in 84, I have flushed from my brain. Who cares? He does. He told me he was superior to me. I am not ready to leave. The children will be the casualities. I have been praying real hard, but obviously that's not working. Should I feed his superiority complex to validate him? To make this marriage work? Who is staying with an "N" and how are you coping? All opinions welcome. Kmarie

[90mphINneutral]

I'm guessing from the sounds of your post, that "N" refers to narcissist. Never heard of it referred to "N." Well anyway, taking it from a diagnosed narcissist, I can recognize some of the signs you said about your hubby in me. I constanty need supply, feeling superior etc, just like your hubby. I don't know what to tell you since I am the "N" but my old therapist,, whom I fired, told me that narcissists have really low self-esteem despite what they portray. They are vulnerable creatures. Remember that you and him are equals etc.. I don't know if I'm helping I am a bad advice giver. But at least I can admit this... I have made progress. Anyway good luck with this and remember one more thing N's are hard to change, maybe above all else get out and take the kids with you. Easier said than done I know. Anyway that's my two cents worth plus tips.

[Perna]

I would agree with him if it "doesn't matter" like whether he is smarter in history (or even whether his IQ is larger). Let him be "smarter" if he wants. That doesn't change actions and what is done. I went to my aunt's MENSA group, a party they were having, and I was amused because there were "regular" people there not working or working at low paying jobs but getting their kicks feeling they were more "understood" by these other people with high IQ test scores and were special in some way because of it.

You say you're more interested in medical interests so I would persue that arena on your own (and learning how to work with the kids, etc.) and cheerfully agree with what he says about history and agree that you're not as good at history as he is, even let him be overall "smarter" (whatever that means :-) than you are. Just because he feels/thinks one way does not have any bearing on the reality of the situation, your honors program, etc. You know you're smart enough to suit you :-) and that's all that matters there.

[RiverX]

You asked some good questions and got interesting replies.
The trouble in my relationships with Ns was that they were a downward slide for me it was progressive devaluation. What the answers here indicate is that if you unhook from the N. enough, you dont have to get devalued. I myself was unable to unhook, but now can see that it could be possible with more knowledge, like about them needing supply.

I always recommend Patricia Evan's books about living with abuse. though she tends to recommend the confrontative line rather than the psychological one, I think the combined knowledge of both may be useflul. If i've already said this to you somewhere else, well, sorry to be repetative. It sounds like its really serious tho, with you having panick attacks and the children obviously being affected, so , good luck with your search for solutions.

river.