[need2move4ward]

Hi. I registered a while back, but never posted until now. I really don't know what to say except that, all of the sudden at 37 years old, I have developed some sort of "a - HA" moment where I'm asking myself where I went wrong. I have never been married, the men i have dated, have not worked either because they are abusive, or I'm afraid to commit, and get scared, I have been in and out of the hospital for depression, but that's been a while, I' ve been diagnosed as Bipolar, Borderline, then "undiagnosed", Currently, I am suffering from a little depression, and a lot of fear. Hoping I can open up and get some help and help others. I also got addicted to Vicodin and Norco, went to a rehab last year for 65 days, then to a doctor who charged me $150,000, that I had to take from an inheritance my grandmother's sister left me, leaving me nearly broke. I am disabled and trying to finish my BA in Psychology. I have 3 courses left and an internship. I look around and compare myself to my peers, and today, my dad told me I have nothing to show for my life (of real substance) at 37----he is right, and it makes me sad. I don't know what's wrong. I am a decent person, I love to laugh, but I hold a lot of fear and I sense there is also some thing(s) I will not let go of. I also am chain smoking. It seems I'm getting overwhelmed by it all. I'm hoping to get some real, honest support here.

Thanks for reading if you did.

hello there! Welcome again!

firstly, I wanted to let you know, please do not be discouraged if it takes a little while to get responses in this forum as sometimes it can be a bit slow, but we are here, and will respond if given some time

I would like to give you a large, safe, CYBERHUG ((((hugs))))!

As someone with borderline personality disorder and also traits of both avoidant and dependant, I understand the turmoil that you are probably feeling. Try to understand that the labels we are given should work for us, not against us. I see labels as a starting point - I examine if it truly works for me (with the borderline label i read about it and thought holy cow, they are describing me to a T!) and then i look for resources for how to deal with that particular label. But, if you don't feel a label works for how you are feeling, you really don't have to be encumbered by it. Let it go, and focus instead on how YOU are feeling and go from there.

do you have a therapist or doc you work with on these issues? What have you tried so far?( as in meds, therapy, support ect.) coming here is a great support, this site has saved my life a couple of times and my sanity more times than that.

I also have taken many drugs and drank myself into oblivion in the past - currently have been clean more than six months as I got pregnant - having my coming son in my belly has been literally a saving grace for me, and i have so much to thank him for when he is old enough to understand i plan to tell him. so i understand the abuse of substances. if you ever need support in this area, feel free to drop by our little group in the substance abuse forum. Even if you have been clean for years, sometimes its nice to talk about recovery or even just celebrate being clean for so long!

You said:

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I am disabled and trying to finish my BA in Psychology. I have 3 courses left and an internship. I look around and compare myself to my peers, and today, my dad told me I have nothing to show for my life (of real substance) at 37

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i think having three courses left and an internship in your BA is something of substance, for sure. Thats a real acheivment that you have made it this far, and you are coping with a disability to boot! thats really cool. Don't feel like you have nothing, because even the fact that you persevere through your disability is HUGE. gosh, sometimes making it through the day is a huge accomplishment when dealing with lots of issues.

And i wanted to say, and i hope this comes out right, please dont be insulted thats not the route i was shooting for, but not having money DOES NOT make you worthless in my mind. I'm poor as all get out but I have things in my life which make it much richer. Don't let anyone tell you that not having money is really signifigant to what you acheive - its just one small thing in a sea of things you can acheive.

You also say:

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I am a decent person, I love to laugh

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These are real acheivements in themselves. You have a great personality - you have raised your adult self pretty good I would think!

[need2move4ward]

Thank you for responding, there is so much here. I will visit the substance abuse forum. I so understand the money issue. That is part of my problem, money does not buy happiness, I would much rather be loved and love, have shelter, instead of be rich....I have taken my mom's issues and she has projected her fears onto me (money, men, she smokes cigarettes, so when I do, I feel that connection, enabler, she's been through a rough go herself, so she kind of "hangs on" to her youngest. Also, because of the trauma, she convinced me at an early age not to trust many people, especially men).
I don't want to be my mom, I am me. So at 37, I'm living with her, and everyone who knows me, relatives included have pretty much disowned me because I never did anything with my life---no career, no family, no children. I lived up north for a while (when I went to rehab and saw that doctor), and wanted to stay up there, but it wasn't working, so I came back to live with mom, I thought I would finish school, save money, and then move out again and venture out on my own. I just really miss up north.
When I was up north, I met people who showed me there was life to be lived, joy to be felt, and people to love, not what happened and happens in my family of origin. I've been back 9 weeks now, but my heart is still up north, but my college is down south.
Anyway, earlier the things I said, It makes me wonder who true friends are, and if people who say they care, really do. I don't know who I can trust nowadays.

[VoNPD]

((((((((((((need2)))))))))))

Going for your BA in Psych?? That's one helluvan accomplishment!

I wish I had more to offer you right now, but am in a bad pain cycle right now. Just know that there are many people who care and who gain strength from seeing that others have succeeded thru their dx to have a life! Don't use your father's/mother's measuring stick to guage your success... it's YOUR life not theirs. You're here, you're functioning and you are getting help when you need it.

kudos to you!!!
VoN

[AlteredState01]

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my dad told me I have nothing to show for my life (of real substance) at 37

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Then your father is a FOOL!!! (I'd like to use a few more choice words to describe him, but I have to keep my language clean.

There is nothing worse than hearing your own parent say something like that.

If he doesn't have the capacity to support you or offer advice to help you through your hard times, then tell him to say nothing at all. Life is hard enough "out there."

Sorry, not very supportive advice, but I just couldn't let that one go by without acknowledging it.

[need2move4ward]

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AlteredState01 said:
Then your father is a FOOL!!! (I'd like to use a few more choice words to describe him, but I have to keep my language clean.
There is nothing worse than hearing your own parent say something like that.
If he doesn't have the capacity to support you or offer advice to help you through your hard times, then tell him to say nothing at all. Life is hard enough "out there."
Sorry, not very supportive advice, but I just couldn't let that one go by without acknowledging it.

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Thanks---my dad can be kind of harsh--he is btter because he messed up his life pretty bad and landed in San Quentin for a while. He is 72 now, and clean, except for a few drinks now and then, but I was the one who asked for his opinion--he went to Princeton--one intelligent man--just was absent for my sibling and I since I was about 13, then again when I turned 25. Yeah-and my mom says I'm so much like him--thanks mom! In the good ways yes. But I've never been in trouble with the law and don't intend to ever be for gods sakes. He is being supportive in his own way I guess. I have so many odds against me, my family "stuff" has affected me so bad, 37 and scared to death.

[need2move4ward]

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VoNPD said:
((((((((((((need2)))))))))))

Going for your BA in Psych?? That's one helluvan accomplishment!

I wish I had more to offer you right now, but am in a bad pain cycle right now. Just know that there are many people who care and who gain strength from seeing that others have succeeded thru their dx to have a life! Don't use your father's/mother's measuring stick to guage your success... it's YOUR life not theirs. You're here, you're functioning and you are getting help when you need it.

kudos to you!!!
VoN

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Thanks VoN, I appreciate your kind words. I hope your pain is better lately. I have been trying to live MY life for many years, and when things get tough--I go back to mom's. She has a part--she is an enabler, which hasn't helped, but I'm over the blame game, just disappointed in where my life is right now. I have a jealous mom too. She lost her youth, and she sees I don't need her much and she wants to be needed, she craves attention, and I have to take care of ME. sorry.

[altonwoodsdrphil]

WOW! 150k?....THATS CRAZY, what to do at this point? I see your situation as one in which you lack real purpouse in your life. Of course I don't know you,but I think I understand where you're at (bear with me) to this point you have yet to be properly challenged, you seem to care very little about yourself or what will become of you and thats just a form of deviant behavior that you'll eventualy grow out of (hopefully), how? by becoming involved with helping other people who were'nt given all of the gifts that you have "squandered" (not just the money) you'll see this pretty quick and the realization will shock you into making wholesale changes in your life to never be the person you have allowed yourself to be. you want to grow? understand and learn? than these are the kindest things I can say to you in order to faccilitate that. The world needs people with exactly what you have to give, so get over yourself and get out there doing what you were born to do! you may fall,you will make mistakes, its okay...I'm all about failing at something great instead of succeeding at nothing. you're life up to this point has been a preparation for where you are headed, use all of the things you've learned and will learn like precious tools. empathy tells us, "I used to have that problem,heres what I did" whereas, sympathy just says " gee,sorry about your bad luck, aint it a bad thing?" choose your perspective. undoubtibly,what i'm saying here will be misunderstood and seen as mean spirited or something judgemental, and thats they're perspective...all I know is that I was never helped by people who tried to help me by enabling me.

[need2move4ward]

Let me gues--your Alton Wods' dad ? (username) You look a little like Dr. phil.
Anyways, Thanks so much for your post--I really need to talk to more people like you, beacsue i am getting more depressed as the days go on. I am signed up for college here, but really don't want to finish. I realize that it's not all about me--or maybe i don't....what's sad, is that I'm smoking myself to death, don't eat well, don't exercise, and am under so much stress just to live life---I'm becoming a nut case fast. When I was living up north, I was getting STABLE, but then---on a whim--in an angry moment, i flew back home to mom's and am now miserable. I don't know what it's going to take for me to feel better, in all aspects. I feel dead, and I don't think God wants His child to live like I'm living do you? I have done A LOT of footwork, but now I'm feeling so physically sick from the draining of my energy level--I pray 24/7 and ask for guidance. I DO care what becomes of me, but i do not care about me--I have tried ALL other methods, but how can and how does Jesus make things right, how can Jesus make me feel better in order to carry ot His plan for my life and those around me who are affected by it?

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Jesus has already done "everything" to make it right, but have you truly accepted it? that feeling you described as "dead" is what we are without him. Through the acceptance of the saving grace of our Lord, (who while we were yet dead in our sins chose to die for us) we have been empowered to live our lives in victory over the sickness, (all kinds) hardship, doubt,trouble, abandonment, addiction, and yes even death,(which came into the world thru Adam) If we accept that he loved us enough to die for us we have the only real basis for self-esteem instead of the commonly held belief that we are "all good people" we are NOT! if that were true his sacrifice would have been for nothing. Jesus himself asked "father, but this cup should pass from me? but not my will but thine be done" he died for you, why? so that you could have a precious relationship with the father...thats where the REAL power is, there, in his kingdom...seek ye the kingdom of heaven, and ALL (I said ALL) things will be added unto YOU! (thats YOU) it truly is wonderful! whats next for you? seek his kingdom...anyway you can, in his word,in a church,on the radio,in other christian people...as if your very life depends on it...(your eternal one) it does! you don't have to die before you can have his joy, be filled with his spirit..lay down the dead you and take his hand and walk...your challenge will be to trust HIM for everything else!