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#1
Jan 12, 2008, 12:41 AM
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I guess it's the Borderline's worst nightmare. We work hard to deal with the fear of abandonment.. But now it has actually happened.
I can't see more than a few feet in front of me. I'm somewhere between the most depressed I've ever been, and ready to put my fist through the wall. And while death is the ultimate respite, it is too far off. You can't will it--and I'd never act on it. I just want to run away from it all. Drive to Canada. Leave everything behind, as I've been left behind, discarded, thrown out with the piles of Christmas trees and leftover rotting turkey. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. Maybe then I can start fresh, and actually accomplish pretending to be someone I'm not. Someone strong. Someone with hobbies and interests, passion and a cool level-headedness about them. I wish I knew where to go. I have a full tank of gas and a mind that wont stop. |
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#3
Jan 12, 2008, 12:58 PM
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He left me. He told me that he played with my heart, knowing that he'd probably damage it, for no good reason. That he's been selfish, and he's used me.
He apparently has been wanting to walk away from me for some time, but always prodded me to do the breaking so that it would be MY decision-so he wouldn't have to feel bad about it. I never wanted him to go, so I never caught onto the hints. It ended in (my) tears, right before I peeled out and cried my way home, being sure to set the cruise control so I wouldn't kill myself. For some reason, despite my passive suicidality, I still take some precautions. I'm such an idiot. |
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#4
Jan 12, 2008, 02:08 PM
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> He left me.
Who left you? Boyfriend, husband? > I'm such an idiot. No, you are not. Distressed, yes, idiot, no. Can you tell us more about yourself?
__________________
Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#8
Jan 12, 2008, 10:54 PM
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Abandonment is rouigh for everyone. Even worse when you fear it so much. I won't tell you it's probably for the best because that doesn't help at times like these. I'm sorry that he abandoned you. Please tell us a little more about yourself. How long were you in this relationship? What is your plan from here?
Yeah, there is a part that looks out for us. Thank heavens for that. It's weird when you're thinking about wanting to die or be hurt or something, but your good habits like wearing your seatbelt and setting the cruise control happen automatically and you are protected. That's a strength, btw, that you do take care of yourself. Come back and let us know how you are doing when you can. Welcome to PC, Rap
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg 
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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