Abandonment?

By request, here are another couple of questions.

1. Does anyone here NOT have abandonment fears? How come, or how did you get past them if you used to have them?

2. Has therapy helped you with abandonment fears? How??

3. What are they, and where do they come from?

Fuzzy

More thought-provoking questions........ yay!!

1. I have abandonment fears and can't get past them yet.

2. My T is trying to make me understand that the fear and pain I experienced before is in the past, not now - that the same situations do not exist like then. Talking to him has helped some - if I think before I react, it is much better.

3. From what he tells me, I was never taught the skills to deal with emotions and my parents always taught me that they were bad, and feeling them lead to my parents withdrawing from me. In later years, a succession of poor marriage choices and life has only reinforced those deeply ingrained thoughts.

The fear is so real and sometimes just causes a reaction before I have time to work it through mentally.

YAY!! More thought provoking questions! Thanks {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} !!

Well... I have abandonment issues. Not sure exactly where they came from but I know, for me, they tie in strongly to trust issues. Wouldn't that follow?

It could have started by my mom not being emotionally available to me... or my dad saying to me "So you're leaving me..." ... or because he hardly ever visited me after he and my mom split up... or it could have been when my mom had to go to work after the split up... or even boys not calling me back or letting me know that we had "split up." (Ouch! This is getting painful.)

My husband used to walk out of the house when we'd have an argument and there were times when he'd be gone for days. I've noticed recently that I ask him where he's going when he goes out the front door. No... I'm not over it yet, but I'm aware that I'm working on it. With a bit of explanation on my part and a smidge of understanding on his part, we're dealing with it. He now tells me where he's going even if it's to the work shed and even if we haven't argued.

There have been recent incidents in my life that have tested that issue as well as my faith in someone and my faith in his love. So far, I've come through with flying colors, but that doesn't mean it will stay that way. There will be more testing with that particular issue.

I can't say that the therapy I received delt directly with that issue much at all... at least not in a conscious way. Maybe it was in the work that we did in making me realize that I was enough unto myself. Don't know that I bought into it completely because I have always felt that there was a part of me missing; a second half that made me search for a soul mate. (HA!) For a long time I thought I had been a twin and had lost "her" somewhere in my mom's pregnancy. My T suggested that it was the "me" that had been forced into emotional seclussion very early in my infanthood.

I hope I'm done because this is as far as I can go for now.

Thanks {{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} No pain, no gain.


"It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived."

Abandonment fears are all to familiar to me. There have been times when I was ready to risk or compromise just about anything just to try to avoid being abandoned. A couple of those memories are pretty scary. Yes, therapy has helped with that immensely, although abandonment was not really specifically addressed as an issue. The way that it helped was I became more confident and independent, and didn't have to have someone else to depend on so much.

Where does it come from? I think that my parents taught me that I was not competent and didn't have the ability to do things on my own. They might not have done that on purpose, but my mother could not stand back and let me try anything, or let me live my own life and make my own decisions. She never could trust me enough to let go. Then, once I did break free of her control (went to college in a different state from where she was) it seemed like she just gave up on me completely. She didn't call or write - there was absolutely no support from my parents at all. Very little contact even, for over ten years, and although we are on good terms now we are not close and probably never will be.

Hi Fuzzybear

I think every single human being goes through this .. .even the successful people (it's lonely at the top!) My father was an alcoholic and of course it reeked havock in our home. I did poorly in school. I did not get 100% support from my parents and growing up in the late 40's and during the 50's was tough. The thinking back then was "you made your bed lay in it" .... "if you really want something bad enough you can get it" to "pull up your socks!" When I look back on my life after all these years I really do believe I suffered stress, fear of my parents divorcing and eventually depression. A big deal was not made of depression back in those days. I too had a bad marriage and felt ugly, a failure, and what had "I" done to deserve it. My life wasn't as great as I thought it was at the time. Odd thing ... when I met my second hubby (wonderful guy) I let my guard down and that's when the anxiety hit me! You know ... you have a survival instinct; fight to survive and then when it's all over with you can give a sigh of relief, but then the bomb hits! LOL Happens all the time to the best of us.

How did I over-come this. I took Cognitive Therapy. I had suppressed anger issues and it needed to come out. It was OK to be ticked off with my parents and get darn mad, and it was OK to be mad at my ex husband for cheating numerous times on me. I realized I was attractive, had a lot to offer others and was good at my job. I reprogrammed my brain (have a ways to go yet) but it really works! It's sort of like putting a new program in your computer. LOL Doesn't work immediately though! It takes patience and a few months to notice changes, but it sure does help. We are in more control of ourselves than we realize and that I have learned! LOL I finally learned to say the word "NO!" when I never use to beable too and like a bratty kid, I say it too often sometimes. LOL

What is past is past. I know this is difficult if it is sexual or mental abuse, but it can be done because I have friends who have won this fight. Get very angry! It's OK! YOU did nothing wrong! Once you get the anger out you begin to heal. Never think you are different from other people or strange ... it is far from the truth. I always remember that people from all walks of life have problems and some of them are the same as we have.

Hang in there!

God Bless
Marcy

Thanks for all your replies!

Fuzzy xx