abandonment

i have huge huge abandonment issues...i guess...i dont know what you call it really...not diagnosed or anything...
so if its not abandonment im describing point it out...cuz i am as clueless as a cloud

i flip out if people (in general actually) dont ...i could even say it gets to the point where if they dont base their world around me i go overboard ...i know that sounds really bad but im trying to be truthful...like i get so upset and distraught and emotionally panicked (thats a good word) if my boyfriend goes to sleep without telling me and doing it before we spend a huge amount of time together ..which is ridiculous i know...i get a defensive emotion if he is even near another person in general..and its not with just my boyfriend...its hard to be a Certified nursing assistant especailly when i am working with a resident and they ask about someone else (even if its just out of curtousy, respect, or curiosity) and when someone does something like the above mentioned...it is so hard to feel the way i did before it happened....it freaks me out why i am so weird like this...i dont understand and i know im not the best explanier but...you hopefully get the idea..and i know the world doesnt revolve around me ...i just needed to rant about how exhausting these feelings can get...and the specific things i do to keep from someone leaving me or abandoning me....it gets to the point where i become such a pushover it would make anyone gag....including myself...

It's good that you recognize this is something to work on, Inny. Becoming aware is part of the struggle.

God I can sympathize with that forsure. I guess Im not thick skinned. My last relationship really did a number on me and I have never spoke with anyone about it so I dont know if I could even call it abusive but it was hell. I panic all the time, every day, for hours, over little issues with my new bf. Like (god this is embarrassing, but) "why hasn't he talked to me yet today, or at all today?", "why didn't he say goodnight, he always says goodnight, could he have someone else over?", and again today "he had that valentines card displayed in his room since Feb.14th why did he all of a sudden take it down, did he have someone else in there that he didn't want to see it?"...

It's stupid, and irrational, ridiculous among other things (time consuming thoughts).....but all plausible situations....situations I have been in before.......Im soooo scared it will happen again and I wont know about it. I dont want to be lied to or cheated on....I rather just be left alone.

We leave for Vegas on Friday, this whole card thing will be on my mind for at least a week and I know because of it I will be distant and weird around him. I dont want to be close to someone who has or is cheating on me, no point is asking him cause if it were true he'd lie anyways. I have learned from past experience that cheaters dont have the best moral

I hate that I feel this way, it annoys me and consumes my thoughts and time, people around me can tell that Im bothered and I guess I act weird so they dont want to be around me........I hate this.......and I hate my EX

Sorry, I guess I needed a little rant

I think it is important to make sure you recognize and check the paranoia before incidents between your boyfriend escalate to points of heated arguments. I am sure he realizes that you have abandonment/trust issues, but if they begin to regularly cause problems for reasons seemingly out of his control, he will become frustrated.

Really, at the end of the day, if you think he is, has, or will cheat, there is no point of you being with him. You see, if a man isn't cheating, he is not going to understand the constant allegations and suspicion and may turn it around in many ways, including becoming suspicious of you. It's a visciously steep slope you're skating down, and it's important you truly understand that a lot of this is you and your past discretions.

Good luck. Having the bravery and intelligence to work on yourself is very attractive to the opposite sex. You will be suprised how your partner will react to that. I think people find that hard to believe, but it's the truth.

((((inny))))