[ECHOES]

How to have a life? That's my question these days. I don't go out except to work, even putting off going to do laudry until the last possible moment.

Sometimes that's okay with me, being in, quiet, spending time on the computer, reading, playing with the cat.

Other times it's agony being alone and I'm severely distressed and I feel like I'm just waiting around to die.

Friendships come and go. They are often weak to begin with. I am middle aged, unmarried, and I make just enough to live to the next paycheck at the moment. I would love to go to school again even though I'm middle aged and major life changes are not likely as a result.. I just like learning and I think it fills some social need for me.. so in the meantime I just read a lot.

I would love to move across the country but I feel stuck; it takes money to move, job skills to find a job in this economy, etc.

I'm in therapy and love it and am committed to it and I don't want to leave my therapist.

I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Trying to figure it out overwhelms me. Trying to be content with what I have makes me feel hopeless and anxious actually.

I so wish I had gotten good help sooner. Possibly I wasn't ready though. I have had therapists but only now am understanding myself. I don't much like what I've done with my life and have many regrets. I feel like it's all over and I'm just waiting to die.

Is anyone else out there middle aged and feeling like this? I don't feel like I'm painting a bleak picture, I feel like I'm being realistic.

How do you keep optimistic about your future?

Or, have you made major changes in your life that you'd share?

[pachyderm]

> How do you keep optimistic about your future?

Well, I am learning stuff about myself and other people, and that helps. I feel I am learning things that many people probably do not know. I like it.

> have you made major changes in your life that you'd share?

Not major changes that most people would see from the outside, I think. Maybe I am preparing myself to make changes just in case the opportunity should arise. Since I do seem to be making progress (sometimes!) I am less anxious about the relatively impoverished emotional state that I have, than in the past. Some of the time I really feel much more grown up than before, and I like that too!

[RiverX]

I do sympathise with this Echoes. I am also middle aged, but only now growing up. Well, I hope I am.
Now I understand myself better, I have a chance of changing, now i understand about the disorder, but there wasnt a hope before and that wasnt my fault, I had been searching and willing all my life.

If this is any comfort to you, I'd say what you are doing is a true journey, and more than many people do, even though they may lead glamorous lifestyles.

Though, this is one of the reasons why I think its sad that we do therapy, as opposed to creating fellowships its this: in the fellowships, all ones experience is put to use. If you have had the experience of seeing a newcomer relax and feel releif as they listen to your own expereince, as you tell them the badstuff, and they feel relief because they feel less alone, then you know that this has been the opportunity to 'turn suffering into meaning', and it is truly fulfilling. But I left the fellowships, but I have been hoping to create a fellowship for those with this disorder, as I have talked about in some of my other posts. I cant imagine why there isnt already a fellowship for each of the disorders myself!

Would you consider writing your own expereinces, or even if there was some way that your experiences could be used to help others??
Anyway, thats the answer I have been trying to persue. Though I dont know it it will ever be realised. I have lost such a lot in my life, believe me. I'm in my 50s.

Heres one of my favourite quotes: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LIGHTING THE DARK PAST
“Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.

No longer is my past an autobiography, it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though the day be dark, as some days must be – the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be part of me because it is the key, not the lock.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Best for now,
river

Wow.. I read this and thought...this is me (a little younger), but I work and that's it. I have no friends except my cats and most parts of me does not even want to try and make friends, because chances are they are just going to hurt me anyway. I live paycheck to paycheck and if I ever lost my job I would be homeless cause I grew up in the Foster system and have no-one/family to count on.

The only thing I can think is what my old T used to tell me " Rip...baby steps." Like when I was working with her and had support, I was able to join a photographor club that met every saturday. I learned how to take pictures, but also had some social interaction.

But I moved and now am back to the old ways. It's so hard.

Echos, is there anything you would like to try? You said you would like to go back to school...how about taking a class at a community college? Just a baby-step....

[Rapunzel]

I have made some major changes. I did go back to school. I had to. I couldn't keep going the way I was. Now I've been married for 18 years, and it feels like time to grow up and move out and start over. I still don't know how that will work out. I feel trapped and stuck because I feel like I made some huge mistakes back when I didn't know who I was or what I wanted out of life, and I want to go back and fix them or do it over, but I don't think that's possible. It's rough. Maybe you could consider one change at a time and start slow. Keep your options open, and try some things out. See how it makes you feel. Change is scary, but we have to change some things or we never get free from being stuck.

I was stuck in a rut living under the rules of my ex husband mother and second eldest son, it seemed like I could do nothing without thinking of them and how it would affect them !

I upped roots and moved over 700 miles from them to a place I had never been before, I knew no one except my new husband and my young children, we had temporary accomadation to live in and had to find permanant accomadtion fast.

I moved from a big city (London) to a small rural area and ended up on a farm in the middle of nowhere with chickens as friends !

Best thing I have ever done I am FREE........

I cut all my family off except for my mum who I see once a year and talk on the phone often. But I am the one in control of that relationship now ! And she is not happy with it but lives with it.

Echoes,
I'm 37 and am thinking about going back to school to be a guidance counselor - I'm a teacher now. I'll probably be thinking about it until I am 90.

Why don't you start by taking a college course? You can get financial help and it will get you out of the house and around people if for only once a week or so.? This seems like it would be the easiest place to start changing bit by bit. I don't know, though. Just a thought.

Best of wishes to you! You CAN DO THIS, Echoes!

[splitimage]

I was kind of forced into making major life changes. I lost what was a really good job at at great company in the only industry I've ever worked in, due to a drinking problem. Getting sober was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and one of the best. I'm now grateful to the company for firing me and giving me a good enough severence package that I could take the time to get well. I also went inpatient at a psych hospital for 7 weeks which was really scary but helped me to see some patterns in my life that I didn't like and that I want to change. I have really bad social phobia but I'm forcing myself to go out to AA groups and meet people and just this weekend I was at a conference that I'd gone to alone, and I was invited to hang out for the day with a bunch of women i'd gotten to know from different meetings. This was a huge deal for me, becasue it made me feel liked.

I'm now in the final stages of interviews for a job that would be completely different from anything I've done before in a brand new industry. I'm really scared about it. but excited too, because if I get the job it will let me develop a whole new skill set which will help me get an even better job 3 to 5 years down the road.

I've had a lot of change in the past year, but everyone i talk to says that I'm looking better and sounding better than I have in years so all the hard work is worth it.

If you love learning, why not try taking a course, as others have suggested. It doesn't even have to be academic. When i was inpatient I had passes to go home on weekends and over two weekends I took a knitting class & learnt to knit. I now love it and all my friends and family got hand made scarves for Christmas. it doesn't have to be huge even small changes to our lives can make a big difference.

Good luck.

spltimage