[mazer]

My first posting vanished !

I got told I have BPD,Dysthymic disorder and anxiety about 9 monthes,ever since I feel like walking out the house and never going back,I went out today in the snow with the dogs and thought of just walking and walking and not return ! My marrige is crap as I have drastic mood changes towards my hubby,he just says Im in a bad mood and then he sulks at me ! he got explained what was wrong with me but he didnt seem to listen at the time.I dont live a life,I just exist ! Im sick of having to take pills every day.If it wasnt for having the kids wouldnt be here in this horrible world,I dont have any friends at all due to social anxiety and I dont trust anyone,I keep thinking my hubby is trying to poison me by putting sugar in my food,Im diabectic,I know this sounds stupid but the thoughts are really strong.

[Rapunzel]

That sounds really frustrating, but I can relate to some of it. Okay, if you had the life that you wanted, how would things be different? Imagine that by some miracle, you woke up tomorrow and everything was better. What would have changed?

(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))

[mazer]

I cannot even imagine having a better life,this one is bad enough its so black.if I woke up and every thing was different that would be brill but I know it wont happen.

[Rapunzel]

Even if you don't believe it will happen, what would it be like if things were different for you? That question helps people to think about what they might like to change. You might not be able to change everything, especially immediately, but maybe you could find something you could do that would start to make your life a little better. I sometimes ask that question when someone seems to have so much pain and misery, but isn't expressing any hope for change, or talking about anything that they have control over. I'd just lilke to get you to start thinking about what life could be like for you, or how maybe you could improve it. Because there is hope for you. It just doesn't sound like you have found it yet.

[Susan27]

hi mazer and welcome to PC. i have bpd traits too. anxiety, depression, some dissoc symptoms, yada yada...

i know how rough it is to live like this. to have your moods move around and feel such despair. and I don't have kids so i live for my cats a lot. i have big trust issues too and making friends is really hard for me. the ones i've had in the past i've ruined in one way or another with this illness.

but, i keep working on it trying to find reasons to keep going one day at at time even if it's just to post and meet others on PC.

hang in there...i'm here if you need a friend.

[AlteredState01]

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My first posting vanished !

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Doesn't that just tick you off?

I can understand how you are feeling. Since you have been diagnosed only 9 months ago, I have a feeling you may be having difficulty accepting the reality of what it means to have BPD. It is a highly complex illness and your symptoms may not always match the typical dx. There are just so many varying degrees...

As for someone else understanding? HA! Unless hubby makes a concerted effort to truly understand this illness, which symptoms apply to you and what your triggers are, I doubt he will ever "get it."

Hopefully he will find the strength to deal with your ups and down, etc. as time goes on, though.

I wish you well.

[mazer]

I just feel really confused about all this BPD thing,its really doing my head in trying to understand it and why wasnt I diagnosed sooner like 12 years ago when I first got put in the mental health unit (hospital) ? When I look back I ruined my relationship with my daughters dad due to the mood swings etc but no one diagnosed anything !Why do these health teams take so dam long in making a dianoses ? And after they do tell you whats wrong they give you no support as Im getting discharged any week now.They seem to think all you need is medication and you will be ok,I just feel dead inside with the pills I take every day.Im also finishing therapy any week too as she says there no such thing as BPD its just your way of dealing with life ! Eh ? So she cannot work with me anymore as Im so negative.

[Rapunzel]

Personality disorders are hard to treat. Medication doesn't fix it, but only helps with some of the symptoms. If you are motivated to change your life, then I believe you should be able to get the help and support that you need to get better. It is a hard road though. Can you request a different therapist who has better experience treating personality disorders? Maybe take some time first to think on what you would like to change, and go in with some goals of your own. Learning how to be in relationships is usually a pretty big part of treatment for personality disorders, so that might be a place to start.

It seems fairly typical that it takes a lot of years to start getting the right help for personality disorders. That is because other symptoms are more obvious, and the personality disorder itself might not emerge right away, as it seems more like a part of the way you are, as opposed to symptoms like depression and anxiety that are more easily recognized but don't stay under control when the personality disorder isn't addressed.

I really hope that you can find the help that you need to make a more satisfying life for yourself. Keep trying until you do.

Rap

[tajk]

I felt exactly like you do. Just deep dark and black.. My hubby and I were fighting all the time. Except I wasn't afraid he would kill me. I was afraid that other people would break in and take my kids then kill me. I was obsessive about it. It has been 10 years of me fighting with docs just to not throw meds at me. I finally got diagnosed with BPD about one year ago. I was just like you I hated taking the pills, I just wanted to go away and start over. No hubby no kids no problems. I then decided that the only one that was going to make me feel better was me. I started writing down my feelings everyday and the food I ate, time I went to bed, got up, exercise and stress levels. I now have no caffeine no alcohol and I limit the sugar I take in (that should be easy for you but it was hard for me) I know for my body I have to be in bed at a certain time. I can have limited stress levels as well. I quit the things that I was involved in because I was running everything (I am a bit of a control freak) and I found out that I have very few friends as well. I decided that this year I am going to work on me and worry about friends when the time comes that I am well. I also have to exercise and hour a day and do meditative prayer. It has been hard changing my life because I never did any of this stuff. I also was very demanding with my meds. I tried something for six weeks if it didn't work I was in with the pdoc talking and trying something new. Sorry for rambling on but I was exactly the same place where you are, just about the exact time. It has been one year for me and I still feel tired sometimes but the blackness has gone. You can do it just take baby steps and figure out what is right for you. By the way nothing is stupid when it comes to thoughts they are really powerful things and sometimes you just have do a few little things to get control of them and it feels a lot better when you do. Sorry again for going on and on.

[Robert31]

I have left home several times because other people in the house didn't understand what was going on with me, but usually it's me not being able to handle myself inside and then having to deal with other household members. Sometimes i wonder if i wouldn't be better living by myself