What is this?

I am confused as to what this all means. I am presenting most of these symptoms but not very single one. I can't put my finger on it and need help. Any BPD sufferers please help. My doctor just thinks it's depression, but it's more than that. I don't think I'm bipolar either, so it's weird...

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (sometimes)
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation (I do that too, but not to an extreme sense)
* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (definitely)
* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (I used to want to drink excessively but otherwise no)
* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior (definitely)
* Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) (dysphoria lasts for maybe an hour but everything else cycles)
* Chronic feelings of emptiness (definitely)
* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) (Worse more recently)
* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms (Paranoia caused by stress and some disassociation)

What does this all mean? My mood is usually in flux with a baseline misery. The depression usually doesn't last very long and gives way to other moods, but I'm never excessively happy, only slightly happy. What does this all mean?! Help!

It might not be just ONE thing, Phil... sound like some of the BPD-affected people I've known, but there seems to be a lot going on there so at this point it's probably better to deal with the symptoms instead of focusing on a diagnosis.

I'm sorry that you're never excessively happy... that must be frustrating and discouraging. I'm sorry that you have to deal with so much, especially at a tough age

Sending you positive energy,
LMo

Why DON'T you think it's just Borderline?

That is the thing though; I don't know what to do to treat all of these things! My doctor and I are trying to increase my Prozac but I don't think that will work because I'm not just fighting depression. I don't know what to do, so I thought, maybe if I have a better understanding of what I have, it will be easier to treat, but I don't so it won't.

I know - I've followed your posts for a long time. I wish I had some good solutions for you. I know you've got to be pretty frustrated by now...

Hang in there - I'm thinking of you and hoping that something will work.

Have you given a chance for the prozac?

Borderline, from what I've been reading, goes like this:
1. Abandonment-depression overwhelms child.
2. Child learns that to avoid depression he must cling, and acting like himself is not safe because poses a risk of abandonment, and the depression that ensues.
3. Child internalizes 2 modes ("splitting") where one mode is the good child, associated with the good mother, which is clingy and compromising ("false self"), while the other mode is natural and authentic, but associated with risk, the bad mother, and the bad child ("true self").
4. Child internalizes these relationship patterns.
5. The false self swallows up any joy and happiness in the person's life, which causes the thing that it was supposed to prevent -- depression.

If it's prozac you're on, maybe the prozac will work at the root of your abandonment-depression. Maybe not. You can give a chance and if it doesn't work, get off it and try something else.

I like to tackle these issues by introspection. What are you comfortable with? Maybe a combination of psychodynamic therapy and medication would benefit you.

Sorry, just read the OP more carefully. Does the description above sound like you at all?

It does in a way. My mother never abandoned me but my father and I have a weird relationship, where I think I constantly have to impress him. I barely see or hear from him and I think he doesn't love me. He calls my suicide attempts attention getters. I don't know about splitting though. I'd have to think about it. I think that perhaps around people I'm not very genuine. What I mean is that were I alone most of the day, I would be different, but I'm just around people and they have expectations. Not to say that I would be completely different, but i would be different. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I've noticed in my friendships though that I can value someone and then they do something wrong and I hate them and am not as trusting of them if I get over my initial hate, which is hard to do but can be done as long as they don't %#@&#! me off again and I don't have any friends at the time. My family is different though; since I love them all very much, I can be angry at them and not value them for a while but usually I'm OK. It's like yesterday I felt like saying the meanest things to my mom as she was about to cry. She was saying "How do you think I've come so far in life?" and I felt like saying "You call this far? Working at a %#@&#! job for minimum wage is far?" Then I got a sudden burst of anger and wanted to destroy something. Then I was OK and laughing at certain points. It seems to escape my life I fantasize. I'm not quite sure what my disassociation has to do with it, but my doctor thinks it's avoidance. I have no idea what this all means though...

How do you act and feel in intimate relationships with people you're attracted to?

I'm clingy and very love-y love-y but also intensely worried that it won't work or the person doesn't actually love me. If I'm rejected, I'm basically devastated, (I actually tried to kill myself after a rejection. I'm not sure if it was because of it itself or my interpretation.) feel like a failure and don't like that person very much anymore for awhile. I also divulge a lot of personal stuff in the beginning. There was one time where I admitted to a girl I was madly in love with her and she wanted to be friends only. I was obsessed about it and developed a very intense relationship that caused her much grief I believe and caused me pain that she wouldn't be with me. My love life is a mess...

Phil, I'm curious-- I have followed your posts and you seem very set on finding a diagnosis for yourself. I have seen you move from schizophrenia to schizoaffective to bipolar to major depression to dysthymic disorder and now borderline personality disorder. Thought disorders, psychotic disorders, mood disorders, and now a personality disorder. I'm curious as to why your psychiatrist has not been able to give you some insight into your diagnosis, if that is really what is important to you. I'm sure many people have told you how insignificant the lablel can really be. It's the manifestation of symptoms that count, and how you deal with and treat them.

First off, PinkSoil is 100% right. Your symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors aren't influenced by whatever label you give them. A label is nice because it could clarify some of your psychology, but it's not crucial, and can even be misleading when you're trying to fit your issues into a certain defined disorder. Much better to drop all the labels, see what's bothering you, find the core, and then attack (or rather accept) the core. With that said...

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Psychotic_Phil said:
I'm clingy and very love-y love-y but also intensely worried that it won't work or the person doesn't actually love me. If I'm rejected, I'm basically devastated, (I actually tried to kill myself after a rejection. I'm not sure if it was because of it itself or my interpretation.) feel like a failure and don't like that person very much anymore for awhile. I also divulge a lot of personal stuff in the beginning. There was one time where I admitted to a girl I was madly in love with her and she wanted to be friends only. I was obsessed about it and developed a very intense relationship that caused her much grief I believe and caused me pain that she wouldn't be with me. My love life is a mess...

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You sound a lot like me. I get into relationships and I'm all about the person and I get very close. That's idealization, and it's a tool you use to feel closer than close, like the person would never even THINK to break up with you, which is a pain that's too hard to handle right now.

Whether we call this full-blown borderline, or mild-borderline, or depression, or Coca-Cola doesn't really matter, does it? You'll still have the same fears with the same behaviors that are causing the same discomfort. You still have this anxiety that people will leave you and you still need to find some better coping mechanisms to deal with the pain without freaking the %#@&#! out.

If I were you, I'd go to the bookstore and read up on borderline and abandonment anxiety. Find ways to work with your anxiety and befriend it instead of casting it away like an unwanted guest. Do your best to have patience in all of this. It takes time and steady progress to overcome these things but it can be done. In relationships, we play whatever games to try to avoid the depression that ensues after rejection. If you can see that your desperation to overcome your depression and anxiety RIGHT NOW grows out of the same need to avoid/overcome, then maybe you can give yourself a break for a little bit. Instead of investigate to dominate your fears, investigate for insight.

I realize that the diagnosis is irrelevant but nobody gives me any friggin idea! They tell me something completely wrong then I have to go and do the research myself and draw my own conclusions! It's all so aggravating and I don't like labels either. Call my illness what you will you know borderline or depression with borderline or Charlie Chaplin Syndrome it doesn't f-ing matter!

I'll do some more research on borderline stuff and in the mean time I think I can give diagnosis a break. Thanks a whole bunch!

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Psychotic_Phil said:
I'm clingy and very love-y love-y but also intensely worried that it won't work or the person doesn't actually love me. If I'm rejected, I'm basically devastated, (I actually tried to kill myself after a rejection. I'm not sure if it was because of it itself or my interpretation.) feel like a failure and don't like that person very much anymore for awhile. I also divulge a lot of personal stuff in the beginning. There was one time where I admitted to a girl I was madly in love with her and she wanted to be friends only. I was obsessed about it and developed a very intense relationship that caused her much grief I believe and caused me pain that she wouldn't be with me. My love life is a mess...

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Phil, you claim to be 14. What you describe above isn't necessarily borderline-- it's.... 14. As far as trying to commit suicide after a rejection-- was it solely the rejection as a reason for your attempt or were there other contributors?

Good luck, homie! In many ways, you're in a better position to piece together your psychology than anyone else.

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pinksoil said:
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Psychotic_Phil said:
I'm clingy and very love-y love-y but also intensely worried that it won't work or the person doesn't actually love me. If I'm rejected, I'm basically devastated, (I actually tried to kill myself after a rejection. I'm not sure if it was because of it itself or my interpretation.) feel like a failure and don't like that person very much anymore for awhile. I also divulge a lot of personal stuff in the beginning. There was one time where I admitted to a girl I was madly in love with her and she wanted to be friends only. I was obsessed about it and developed a very intense relationship that caused her much grief I believe and caused me pain that she wouldn't be with me. My love life is a mess...

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Phil, you claim to be 14. What you describe above isn't necessarily borderline-- it's.... 14. As far as trying to commit suicide after a rejection-- was it solely the rejection as a reason for your attempt or were there other contributors?

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I don't know the exact reasons behind the attempt but I think it mainly had to do with my reaction to the rejection. As far as being 14, yes I know that is not borderline yet. Whatever you want to call it, it seems like I have some traits of that personality. Can you not have some traits at fourteen or is that so inconceivable?

I will hopefully have good luck in my research. i don't expect to turn many heads or sway people but at least I have a clearer understanding of what it is so like that if it develops into full blown borderline personality disorder which it might or might not, at least I'll have some idea of some of my personality traits...

I think that Pinksoil's point is that most of us, at age 14, could have said some similar things about our emotions and behaviors. I'm very stable now, but I was full of angst and anxiety and was very sensitive to rejection at 14. I wouldn't repeat those years for a billion dollars. The good news is that the age/hormonal thing DOES improve as one gets older. Adulthood has been a piece of cake compared to adolescence.

So I guess everything I'm describing is normal then? Then why the %#@&#! am I even here?! You know I would have been so much happier rotting in some hell that night than living, because obviously I have no problems! %#@&#! it then! I feel angry right now and like destroying something again. is that adolescence too?!?!?

No, I'm not dismissing it in YOU.. I'm just trying to interpret what I heard Pinksoil say.

But Phil... calm down. Nobody is saying that adolescence means that you have no problems - adolescence (for me) completely sucked. I was miserable. Clearly you have a lot going on, but what I understood from Pinksoil and what I myself was trying to explain is that SOME of it will naturally go away as you have more life experiences and get older. I was trying to give you something positive to look forward to - and was not dismissing your frustration and confusion. I'm sorry if it sounded that way.

also, anger is one thing, but destroying something when you're angry is pointless. Don't do anything that would naturally lead people to believe that you're immature or self-indulgent.

Prove them all wrong, Phil, and learn how to cope in a non-destructive way when you're angry.

Dude, you're 14?

Don't worry so much. Kids go through this kinda stuff. It's normal. I did. Regardless of whether we label you as borderline or depressed, just try and chill. If a relationship doesn't work out, use it as a learning experience and move on. You're going to think a lot of girls you meet are awesome, and probably a bunch of them are. When it doesn't work, figure out why and refine your approach next time. Look at it as a game that's fun instead of some life-or-death situation.

Reading about borderline and stuff can be interesting and useful if you're really deep into this stuff, but if you're just forming your personality and are still flexible, just go straight to the core by loosening up on yourself.