whether i am posting this in the right place, but it's to do with myproblems/personality or lack of it right now. I feel out of place. I feel sad. i feel people like me or they hate me no inbetween. a lot of peope support me here and i appreciate it so much, but things have happened, ive done things wrong and so have others, but i feel paranoid these days. Maybe it's not helping being here? Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? i feel at an all time low and maybe i'm just being selfish and feel as though i'm attention seeking but i'm not attention seeking. i guess i just want to fit in and be liked by everyone and i know that's not possible ....

i'm not a bad person, just a person with mental health issues, lots of them. i don't want anyone to think i'm a bad person.

Jinnyann

[Mouse_]

Jinny, Whenever I read your posts I see me often. I know what you are trying to say here, and I know how that place feels...for me I Hurt a lot of people before my coming into recovery, and I've hurt people during my recovery, which is still on going...for me I am constantly testing how much I can trust someone by how much I can push them...then one day I push perhaps that little bit to much and then I've lost them...what did I expect? I was trying to find their limit and I found it....I've come to realise the ONLY person I can really trust with my pushing is my T...other people in my life are just like me, humanbeings trying to get their best out of their lifes too...and if that means they have to let me go then thats what they will do...I mean haven't I done that? I have had to do that with a couple of people during my life time...its not that they are worse or more evil then me, its just I get burnt out pretty quickly...I've found a lot of this has calmed right dow since I first got into recovery over 5yrs ago....infact my real life isn't very much like my online life at all.....I guess because eye contact and body gestures help me take the paranoia away from what I think is going on...if you really want all this crap to go away and not to have to keep wondering if your good enought, then you will have to keep working on you and your life...then one day it almost becomes irrelevent what others think of "you"...and you dont have to worry that perhaps your doing something wrong? and those that you did finally push away you will be able to look back on them with some saddness but also with gratitude that they actually pushed you on to change your life...hope this makes sense...

[Doh2007]

It might help to look at things objectively. What did you see, hear, experience? What were your thoughts about that?

If someone has been unkind, that's a different story.

Finally, I'm sorry you are feeling down. I hope things get better soon.

((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thankyou so much, i think you really understand me. You said everything just like i feel, you are better at putting it into words than me. thanks for caring enough to reply, sometimes i think i may as well give up ..... i can't undo the things i've done, so i have to move on .... yes it does hurt to lose friends, especially when i know that a lot of my trouble is aggression and people just can't see when i am hurting, but that is my problem for wnating to please i suppose. i do push people away, i do test them because i don't feel i deserve their friendship and if they like me i think they will go anyway ,,, it's usually what happens to me

Like i said i am not a bad person, well i don't think i am so bad. i value your comments mouse and i hope one day i will be as sensible and wise as you are, hugs and love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((jinny)))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I want to respond more, but I'm feeling rather under the weather at the moment and am unable to read everything going on. I wanted you to know though that you are very much cared for here.

[VoNPD]

(((((((jinny)))))))
I feel this way sometimes too - it comes over me and I can't stop it.

thankyou both, i know people are hurting, i know people are going through a tough time, i dont expect to be answered by everyone all the time of course, just someties i feel a bit rejected and it does trigger ...... it's just my state of mind right now, sorry if it sounded like i was getting at anyone, noone in particular, just me being me .... i am feeling a bit vulnerable right now

Jinny x hugs to you both sincerely xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

In answer to your question I do thnk plenty of people including me feel this way sometimes, you're not alone

[Fuzzybear]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
Jinny, Whenever I read your posts I see me often. I know what you are trying to say here, and I know how that place feels...for me I Hurt a lot of people before my coming into recovery, and I've hurt people during my recovery, which is still on going...for me I am constantly testing how much I can trust someone by how much I can push them...then one day I push perhaps that little bit to much and then I've lost them...what did I expect? I was trying to find their limit and I found it....I've come to realise the ONLY person I can really trust with my pushing is my T...other people in my life are just like me, humanbeings trying to get their best out of their lifes too...and if that means they have to let me go then thats what they will do...I mean haven't I done that? I have had to do that with a couple of people during my life time...its not that they are worse or more evil then me, its just I get burnt out pretty quickly...I've found a lot of this has calmed right dow since I first got into recovery over 5yrs ago....infact my real life isn't very much like my online life at all.....I guess because eye contact and body gestures help me take the paranoia away from what I think is going on...if you really want all this crap to go away and not to have to keep wondering if your good enought, then you will have to keep working on you and your life...then one day it almost becomes irrelevent what others think of "you"...and you dont have to worry that perhaps your doing something wrong? and those that you did finally push away you will be able to look back on them with some saddness but also with gratitude that they actually pushed you on to change your life...hope this makes sense...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I feel the only place i can post right now is here and abuse, because i think in my personal opinion people who have never been through abandonment, rejection and sexual and emotional abuse just can't understand how it is .... and it leads people to believe that i am a mean person, not someone struggling and trying to heal .... i often get paranoid about the amount of people reading my posts and the few replies WHICH IS MY PROBLEM I KNOW.

I am about to start very deep therapy this afternoon, so i will stay only where i feel safe right now .

thanks for listening, Kerry xoxoxoxoxo

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))
I've never seen you as a mean person.

(at me)

[pachyderm]

> it leads people to believe that i am a mean person, not someone struggling and trying to heal

Yeah, how do you find people who see below the surface? But then, I guess I myself did not for a long time, and even now do not always...

i find it very hard to find those kinds of people pachyderm (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

maybe i'll stop worrying about those who don't like me in time .... until then i'll just keep being triggered i suppose.

hugs, Kerry xx

(((((((((((((doh2007)))))))))))sorry i meant to answer you...it's not what has been said or done, rather lack of it to be honest. it's very hard to explain when there are so many rules here ...... which i understand we have to have .... i guess i just think too much or suffer with paranoia more than i thought i did .... hugs, Kerry x

[MyBestKids2]

Yes, I feel that way a lot of the time, too. It stinks, mine is part of the black/white thinking of borderline. It really affects all relationships in my life, and I feel bad for the paranoia.

I'm trying to work on it, telling myself that I'm not that "hateable"

(((JinnyAnn)))

((((((((((((((((((((((Dee))))))))))))))))))))))

well i think you're very loveable and i'm so gad we are friends, thanks for you reply, hugs, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxo