Working on PTSD--Will Trigger

I'm working through this PTSD packet and one of the things I had to do was journal about my abuse. I chose to write about something that I didn't think would affect me much. Boy was I wrong. Iwrote about being raped and it was awful. I started remembering things that I haven't remembered since it happened...22 years ago! I thought I had gotten over it, but since I have rarely spoken about it at all through my life, I'm realizing that I'm definitely not over it. I cried and cried all night...all while I was writing about it. I just want to crawl into a hole and die...I think you guys know the feeling if you have been through any kind of abuse.

I don't know what to do. I feel so ashamed about it. The worst part....I think I enjoyed some of it....even though I was only 4 years old. That's the shameful part. I became aroused. My t says it's perfectly normal to feel that way when you are being touched. I don't think so because I am so ashamed of it.

Lexicon,

This is some of the hardest work you may ever do! No wonder you're crying so much as you are working through this.

I absolutely hope you know that any 'enjoyment' is the body's physiological reaction which is involuntary!!

I am glad to hear your therapist telling you this is normal to feel as you do. Please talk about the shame with your therapist as you are able. You have not one thing to be ashamed about.

You are to be applauded for your willingness to continue working on this until you feel better.

After such an emotional jorunal writing please be really gentle with yourself and allow for extra tears and maybe some mood swings.

Hi.. the subject of pleasure when experiencing abuse is not spoken about much in the literature and yet I have spoken to many individuals who have been abused AND have also experienced pleasure. You are certainly not alone!!

There is a good site that I found right here under "resource directory" that does speak about this very clearly. Psychotherapist Kali Munro works with many abuse clients and has an article that is designed to address this subject directly.

http://www.kalimunro.com/articles.html

I hope this helps!

Where'd ya go Lexi??? You have NOTHING to be ashamed about. I hope you can realize that sooner than later... ((hugs))

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IThat's the shameful part. I became aroused. My t says it's perfectly normal to feel that way when you are being touched. I don't think so because I am so ashamed of it.

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<font color="red">It's not your fault. You had no control over your abuser. You had no control over your natural body reactions to the stimulation. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.</font>

Sometimes it helps me to think about "what if" some other child, who is the same age as I was during my abuse, discloses to me an aspect of sexual assault similar to what I have experienced, then think of my response to that child. Whatever I respond to the child, is how I should respond back to myself. Most likely, I would tell that child, "It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong." That helps reinforce to myself the reality of the situation, that I was a helpless child during my abuse.

[b] <font color="red">It's not your fault. You had no control over your abuser. You had no control over your natural body reactions to the stimulation. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.</font>

<font color="purple"> </font> I have learned that our bodies have memories as well, that could account for those feelings. One can be 'aroused' without feeling enjoyment. I read a book entitle 'Growing Yourself Back Up' Understanding Emotional Regression by John Lee. It had a profound effect on my life.

(Welcome Hamsa btw.) I know.