[Kiya]

I've not spoken or seen my dad or his mom in probably 2 years or more. I walked away from that part of my family due to their abuse.
my dad's given up and (i hear through the wires) refuses to allow my name to be spoken in his house. His mom calls my mom allllllllllllllllll the time and leaves messages to me saying things like "Time's moving on.... I'm not getting any younger..... hope you'll see me some times......" etc.

Today for some random reason, I took a plant to his mom. My plans were interrupted today, i was near a plant greenery, I got some plants for my house, her house was on my way home.... and a voice in my head said i should give her the violet i just bought. I argued with the voice all the way to her house and as I walked up her path. And gave it to her. I told her i couldn't stay but a minute and kept myself with one foot outside (a HUGE step for me in the past 6 years!!!)

I didn't do it to be sweet or really kind because I still really dislike her. It just felt ...i dunno... needed? and... yeah.... like going to the dentist or... other *exams* i guess. I did it for her, not for me. ya know? like i do exams for the body, or teeth, but not for me.

She said it was the best day of the year, she hugged me three times, she touched my long hair (a voice nearly attacked her, wanted to claw her eyes out while another wanted to flee). She said things like "Maybe you'll visit again, maybe I can take you to lunch, maybe... maybe... maybe..."
We talked about my physical illnesses and she said something like "How did *you* cause this?!?" when my dr has been very sure that I understand Adrenal Fatigue was initially caused by my constant need to fight/flight/dissociate from my family - including her.

I felt myself start to shake and the voices grow stronger and the urge to start yelling and acuse her for her part in it. I stayed outwardly calm and left. But have been shakey all the rest of the day, and have seen the effects of the ptsd response out in my actions; overspending, the startings of a panic attack in the store, digging my fingernails into my hand, having skin sensitivities, buying comfort foods that I am allergic to, eating only jojos and (soy) ice cream for dinner, not taking my meds so far tonight when it is highly important to take them right at 6pm (1.5 hours ago)....

just needing to relate right now....

[Hunny]

Kiya,

Why does your Mom talk to your Grandma alllllll the time? This just seems kind of mixed up to me. Does she ever pressure you in a verbal or kind of non-verbal way to connect with your Grandma? You don't have to. But, having said this, I totally understand having experienced similar feelings accompanied by shaking after reconnecting with family of origin.

You did what you felt you had to do, connecting with your Grandma. Now you can say the deed is done and now you are comforting yourself. You never have to go again. It's okay to take care of yourself. You will get back on schedule with meds and right eating soon.

Well done Kiya.

[Kiya]

Mom's the only one who cares enough. Dad hates his mom and taught me to, on top of that there is abuse from all my family members *sigh*. soooo.... He barely sees his mom and i refuse to see either of them. so my mom calls his mom daily and sees her every week or so, does errands for her... and yes - passes info along to me that i REALLY don't need to be hearing (yes, I live with mom - don't ask, really long story).

Thanks for your input - it is hard for me to be nice to me atm. Here's hoping tomorrow will be better. Here's also hoping i didn't instill his mom with false hope that i will now be around more often.

[Catherine2]

((Kiya))...if hugs are all right

Jmo, but I think you did the right thing about the violet. For whatever reason, your instinct was telling you to do it, and you listened to it.
Second guessing ourselves afterwards is something we all do...

Totally understand the reaction you are going through, and I hope you feel better soon.
Kiya, I had issues with my parents. After my father passed away, I took care of my mother when she was dying from lung cancer...it was not for her, it was for me.
It was hard on many levels, but I knew it would affect me in a far more dangerous way if I did not do it...my choice to do it so there was less guilt later on. I don't regret it. In fact, I did learn much from it.

Jmo, but I think whenever we make the decision to step outside our carefully built comfort zone, it shocks us.
We may not understand it at the time, but we usually do later on...

Catherine

Take care of you

[Kiya]

Catherine - "Jmo, but I think whenever we make the decision to step outside our carefully built comfort zone, it shocks us.
We may not understand it at the time, but we usually do later on..."

yes, this makes a lot of sense. thank you