[krzyk101]

why? why? why? they found me. today earlier the call the phone. nothing in 11 years now today they are here. there always here only now thy are here. the phone call these people for 2 years i lived the two the one's. I dont know what to do. its the same now as the other years ago. call and say how are you. I found your number in the book he said. I am so so so so so so stupid to save 4 damn dollars a month I had my phone number switchd from non published. i am so stupid.

things are as they were now 11 years not hearing that voice, the voice i heard and talked to on the phone today. i am so confused right now. I was only trying to rest and read a book.

not only in a non flashback form only in the here and now. not only in my city in my neigborhood. both of them. i lost everything once before. the are in a sleeping room down only about 3 blocks from my apartment building. they wnated to come over. 11 years. now in my neighborhood. im scared and numb. as when we met neither one a job using some friends phone they have no phone they have no car. they wanted' to come over'

i dont know what to do i am feeling so distant and almost unreal. i cant have this. i have worked so hard to make a home for myslef all i ever wanted to do then. i only sit and stare i dont want this to be never ever ever in MY home. my address is in the phone book and i cant lose it all again.what is mine is not theirs and i cant. what meds do you take he says. anything good he says and i said blood pressure.

havent seen in reality the other since january 21st 1994, when I went to psych for assesmetn said inpatient i gave him $20 for gas to go back to suburb. never seen again. was in for 35 days locked and i did not even want to be discharged no they were no where near in that 35 days andit as i so know it contact in the flesh ceased. the sights of them all gone for 11 years now my neighbors do not want to leave the apartment I feel no safe. i have no company as it is besides the casemanager and now they wish to enter my home after 11 years and i know of the sleeping rooms they are living cockroach infested and never will i subject myself to that or them being here in the home of mine that they would steal, beg, bum, play verbal degrading mind games with me. I always thought I could stand up to them I guess not I picked up. why did id pick up the damn phone

how do i stop it from starting again as it did 11 years ago. i am jsut so confused and was so relaxed and yet picked up the phone. do i still not have control? after all this work and time to make a home for my self do they still control and why am i afraid to simply say i dont want anything to do with either of you ? i cant say it i must be strong. im closing not sure if i made snese only details are not being processed well from the time 13 years ago 2 years them control and now over i am afraid i will brak or back down to the manipulation. needed to try and get that out of my mimd. sorry and thank you for reading this and help you all give me-chris.

Chris - Your case manager can help too if it's too hard for you to handle this alone alone. Lean on her, that's her job. Why don't you contact her and let her know what's going on? Perhaps she can help you come up with a plan.

Take care. emmy

[kimmydawn]

kris, i agree with both of them. you must rely on your caseworker and any other tools you've gained in this 11 period of time. you have learned new coping skills, etc. you are a different person now. when you feel you arent' strong, let the ppl in your life (ie caseworker) be strong for you.

you're reaching out...that's good!

please be safe and use all resourses available to you right now.

kd

please call your caseworker and ask for help. you're a stronger person now than you were in 1994.....we're here for you..you're not alone...pat

Oh Chris! I am horrified to read about you picking up the phone to hear that on the other end. How awful!!

I agree with what has been said above.

Contact your caseworker and/or therapist about this.

You are not the person you were eleven years ago!! You have many more resources available now to help protect you.

You have the right to be safe in your own home. I know you have locks and use them. Do not be afraid to call authorities.

I am not afraid of you backing down to the manipulation this time because I know the following things: <ul type="square">[*]You are a stronger person now. You are NOT the same person as you were back then.[*] Your strength cannot be taken from you.[*]You have supportive people around you.[*]You have this board to come to as a resource.[*]You are able to contact people who can remind you of the above facts.[/list]

[LMo]

Chris, I am so sorry...

[nothemama8]

Kris, I agree with all the others, call your caseworker and the authorities if you need to, keep us posted, Please keep us posted
Angie

[nightdream]

I am so sorry! {{{{{{{{{{{{{Kris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

What is going on today? Are you ok?

Thinking of you,
nightdream

[krzyk101]

Thank you all for the support. i left town early saturday morn. I just got home. No messages from them.

the 65 mile drive went by in minutes. Like a strobe light flashes of things not rembered in over 11 years. I have very of had very little memory of then. Until the call only remembered the one major trauma. Something happed on that call.

I only I had ever brought up the night of one of their friends tweaked out on meth. the events of that nigh. my being tortured and attempted murdered and the perpetrater (who has since commited suicide) that nigh I was 19 walked down the street barefoot. had no where to go and no mind to even call police.

Only the caller reminded me with his voice, he was there. He told my trauma with his voice I said to him "Wake up Wake up,

been in the system for 11 years. it took me 10 years to ever tell that. I never heard it from someone else, another there, my lover was there i dont know where it all seems so fast

I see my CM tomorrow. I went out of town saturday only stayed in my car except to use bathroom or put clothes in washer/dryer.

Not all I now remeber now is bad. only so many memorys coming at me left and right. I had a migrane last night and stayed awake all night in the car. I was at moms over 24 hours and stayed in the car most.

I think may take time to work out all these rapid memories so much so many. Mom said I did the right thing she will pay for restraining order for both if comes to.

I called the neighbor down the hall tonight cause she good to me and brings me homeade things to eat sometimes. Yet now somewhere in my mind i even feel she is connected to the two and they have got to her and now she's in on it too. I dont want to belive these thoughts only they do exist.

Thank you all so much I am going to be alright I know I have to and I will just have to. I think it may take time. not time to say no or not pick up the phone only take time for me and T to sort and process all theses memory's forgotten for 11 years. -thank you alll -Chris

[nothemama8]

Chris can you get your phone number changed also look into an unlisted number, please
Angie

Sounds like your neighbor has been really good to you. It's probably your worried mind that is making you think bad thought about her. Perhaps visiting her with your case worker would help? Or having your case worker call her to let her know about the people in town? Perhaps your neighbor could actually be part of YOUR team and help you feel safe. Like your case worker does. Having a team really helps. I have one. I'd be lost without my team.

Hugs, emmy

[(JD)]

Kris, I'm troubled for you... hugs.... you are stronger now, and you CAN say NO. When in doubt say it, in whatever words you can, " I don't think that will work right now" "I'm unable to do that today." "That won't be possible..."

I understand about the saving the few dollars a month... you can use a nick name for the phone book next time... or initials that aren't real... it doesn't make sense to me that the phone company gets more money for less print and info eh?

Be safe.

[krzyk101]

Thank You -- emmy

I phoned the neighbor earlier and she told me if they do call again to not worry just not to answer the call.

At the moment I am totally consumed by this sitting in the dark and everything and everyone in one way or another seems to be a possible threat.

I am going to call my casemanager when i wake up if i sleep tonight, and talk to her on the phone before she comes over at 4 tomorrow. Thanks-Chris

[ktp]

(((((((((((Chris)))))))))))

Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. Take care, my friend.

Many hugs,
Kimberly.

Chris,

Please let us know if you can after your CM comes to visit today (Monday 28th).

I have been thinking strong thoughts your way Chris. I feel so badly reading about you staying in your car (I'm guessing you felt safest there even at your mom's?).

I'm very proud of you for doing what you needed to for your safety.

Good for you for calling back your neighbour. I think Emmy was very wise to suggest the neighbour. The more safe people you can have around you to call upon or reach out to the better.

I hope so much that this will be resolved quickly. I lived in fear for a while as well and I'm heartbroken thinking of you in your situation. Constant fear is no way to live in addition to all the other physical and mental pains.

safe hugs for you friend ((((~Kris~)))) <---think of this as a crowded hug where we're trying to hug you close and keep you safe because we care.

Please try to get sleep if you are able. Your body needs rest when it is in such a triggered state.

[krzyk101]

Thank you all,

I am realizing it is Wednesday. I read this second page and do not attempt to read the first as even now lost in my own thread within myself.

I have not heard anymore from those who phoned last week. I think I tryed to talk the best I could with the Case Manager. I have less now than the beginning of the week, calls hang ups on the answering machine.

I figure they have no car, and no phone and attempts to phone ending up hang up the second the machine comes on not to lose there 50¢ in the pay phone.

I think the fact now they do see nothing of me in ways of $$$ or rides a place to intrude and I AM IN CONTROL now. Most likely have found 'fresh meat' and no longer any interest in me.

Thanks to all I have been avoiding alot of things the internet and in general communication as well as having a difficult time with the meds.

Thanks again and I am staying safe. I appreciate you all through this and I feel it may at the present at least be coming to a close. Hugs....

[wisewoman]

You are doing a great job caring for yourself. I am happy that you are able to do what you need to stay safe and healthy. Thinking of you.....

long happy sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. glad you're okay. pat