[Gene]

Hi, everyone, glad to find this forum.

I am 54, and have done a lot of psychological work , counseling, etc., and am myself a counselor. Despite years of effort, certain problems in my life have continued, and I am beginning to think I have PTSD/Anxiety Disorder.

I have an extreme fear of displeasing the woman in my primary relationship. If I think it will upset her in any way, I will usually be unable to say anything, often spacing out and becoming passive, or unable to access knowledge of what I want, as opposed to what she wants. I wind up feeing trapped in stuations, and in the relationship itself, because I never feel I have a way out. I fantasize she will physically hurt me or kill me (no evidence at all that that is true).

History: From a young child on, I was harshly disciplined by my mother, I believe to the point where I feared for my life. It became all important to detect and do whatever would make her happy in order to stay alive. For much of my life, my actual wants and desires were suppressed, unavailable to me. Through high school, the normal rebellious years, I was passive, depressed, gentle, quiet.

Today, working with my passivity and depression, I have discovered a huge amount of rage at the violation of my desires and freedom, and am currently working to get the anger out. I'm also doing some cognitive behaviorism which helps.

But the extreme anxiety continues in my relationship, and has all but destroyed it. I can't tell what's real and what is not in the moment - if I sense she is the slightest bit annoyed, I panic, and usually bend over backwards to try to assure her I didn't really mean it (whatever upset her). It is a night mare. It is at the level of a phobia, and I tend to cut off communication rather than talk honestly about what is going on, because of my fear of her reaction.

Requests - I don't know how many professionals there on these forums, but I would like to find a professional, either online or in my area (northern Virginia) to diagnose this more accurately and help me make a plan of action to reduce the anxiety.

If anyone has *any* leads, I would appreciate it, both professionally, as well as information. I gladly read and study whatever I can get my hands on, and would love more information that correlates to my symptoms.

Many thanks.

[nothemama8]

Welcome to the forum Gene
The first thing you need to do is find a T or PyscDr near you for dx, and therapy.
As I always say, we ARE the professionals because we live our dx, books tell only one side not what we live
Angie

[(JD)]

Welcome to psychcentral gene...you've come to a good place in your life!

Hmm since you've been in counseling then you must KNOW the adage, a person who has himself for a doctor....

To me, you sound quite anxious. I question your use of "fantisize"(that she will hurt you..). freudian slip? You should think that one over.

DocJohn has links here for online counseling, have you tried that? It's on the home page. The APA has referrals also. Please follow (your own guidelines?) and have a complete physical first, to verify it isn't medical. Your MD can also refer you to a psychologist.

Everyone who is actively counseling needs to have a colleague for consult. I am curious as to why you don't already, but perhaps you are too new to the profession to have obtained one yet?

Again, welcome.

[vacantangel]

Hi Gene, welcome to PC. I also noticed your choice of the word 'fantasize' and was taken aback when reading it. Not sure that is the word you really meant to use. I hope you find the help you need. (((((Gene))))))

[January]

Hello Gene,

Welcome. You will find many friends here.

I urge you to make an appt with a t or psychiatrist. You need professional help. We can guess, but we can't be sure what is happening with you.

Network with a fellow professional whom you trust. He/she can recommend a good person for you to see.

I wish you the best,

January

[MacD]

I admire your honesty and your capability in detailing your problems....hang on and get the qualified help you need..clearly..you have issues that need addressing and we all support you...grace

[Lilybetty60]

Hello, I am new here, and I have come here to see how others have dealt with "my" problem. I say "my" problem because I see that this thread is describing it very much the same as my real problem.

I live in England, ... Here we have to wait a very long time, many, many months, before we can get the help we need in these circumstances; I have been trying since September 2004. Another letter arrived today just to tell me that a delay is expected due to the full appointments list. They say will let me know when I am going to go on the list, then, and only then, they will send me another letter to give me an appointment date which will be a month following the entry onto the list! Follow so far? Yes, they know how to keep people in suspension, sure enough.

I need counselling for my problem. To admit this is a great step, and a painful one, and I have been kept waiting this long after first seeing my own doctor in Sept 04 to get help. I find it exhausting, to say the very least.

Gene, I have had the same upbringing as you. My mother was a tyrant. She beat us all up, even my brothers, often using threatening behaviour wielding a bread knife. Yes. We all suffered. And, none of us are in touch, nor ever have been, to this day. It is far too late to gather our thoughts, together, on the subject of our mother. She has affected me all through my life, even though I left home at 19 yrs old; what she did was intolerable, and there was no help in those days, over 50 years ago.

Anyway, I need to tell a counsellor all this and more, so thanks for this website forum, which I will continue to browse.