[allautumn]

I dreamed I was back there again. It's always without my knowledge or permission, I just find my self there. One minute I was thinking about furniture arrangement, and then I was there. This time I was in bed. He was %#@&#! me. He was talking softly. I remember screaming no, no, no, and I was crying, but he just kept going. I turned my face to the wall, and focused on a picture. Oh god, now I remember that picture, it was the painting he made of the Pink Floyd pink puppet man being attacked by the wife creature. In my dream I couldn't make sense of it, It appeared as a stylized black and red bird. I went away into the picture and when I came back he was done. Afterward I sat there, bleeding in my poo-bear pajamas. I stood up and walked to the window and the pajama bottoms stuck to me. There were things of mine there that I remembered, but they were all broken and dirty. I was grateful that he had set them there for me to find, offered them back to me. I was just wondering how I could get out. I stared out the blinds and saw all these people going about their lives, couldn't see me. I just watched them. I remember a group of his friends was there, and they said something like "I bet you're the kind of girl that doesn't really love a man, can't wait to get away." And I felt so guilty. I remember thinking in the dream that it was the third time I had moved back, and kept thinking about how I would get out. I thought, when he goes to work on Monday, I'll call my dad, and maybe, if he still cares, he'll come and get me and my stuff, and I can forget I was ever here. And then I tried to think of what stuff I had there, and how long it would take to get it all into the truck. And then I realized I only had a bag of clothes, and I could get out, there was a chance I could get out. Then there was a knock at the door and it woke me up. I was SOOO HAAPPPPYYY to be HERE AND NOT THERE. I kept thinking I was back there, and I went and had a shower. I thought for a second in the shower that I was there again, and without thinking I immediately reacted by turning the water hotter. I looked down at my self and saw red lascerations on my breasts and stomach... why did I do it, why did I do it? I stepped out of the shower and watched in the mirror as I snatched up the scissors and gave them symmetry.

oh, how that dream must havae terrified you!!! i'm so sorry that you went through that. i'm here to listen if you need me. pat

what a visceral dream! how scary!

Haven't seen you in a while. It is good to see you around again.

I hope you are doing well. Maybe this dream could mean that the mind is working on sorting memories related to then into a better form for storage or deletion? or mebeee that's just me

take care,

[allautumn]

I wish I could delete them, that's the problem. They won't go away! I try very hard to stop thinking about those things when I am awake, but I have no control over what my mind does in my sleep. I'm back there over and over, I don't know how I get there, I just arrive and realize where I am, and that I have to get out. Sometimes I'll have similar dreams four or five times a night. Often, I arrive in the middle of his family, like an intruder, and I need to slink away. I see his children, and his wife. They look at me disdainfully, and I feel dirty and ashamed. Even if I get away, I arrive there again. Sometimes in my dream it's that I've gone back again, sometimes it's that I never left, I'm still there and the intervening time didn't exist. Only when I'm fully awake do I realize where I am and then I am so grateful, so grateful to be here!
Sometimes I think I see him driving by. I remember every vehichle I have thought I have seen him in just in case, the most recent, a golden yellow civic hatchback. I watch for him at the mall so I can hide. This is so stupid! There is nothing he can do to me now, and I know it. But I just can't stop this. I havent seen him for years. It's been years and it doesn't go away. What do I have to do? What is there left that I could possibly do?

[(JD)]

This is not stupid, and using those types of words only reinforces your feelings of wrong. (It becomes automatic... I understand.)

This is what Ts are good for (among other things) helping us to talk about traumas... over and over and over so that the brain refiles them properly. (Because even though we "know" it isn't happening now, it stays in that file!)

Don't try to suppress the thoughts, that makes them bolder. Allow what you can, and then say, ok it did happen but it isn't happening now. Don't use force, but be gentle with yourself.

You must be under greater stress or such, being triggered more lately... for the dreams to focus so... dreams are one way the brain tries to work through things... but I know that doesn't help you FEEL better..

(((hugs))))

allautumn, would it help to write the dreams down...graphic and all..and then burn the paper? i did that during my divorce. my T suggested it....i even threw some of the torn up papers in the Rio Grande..then, of course, i felt guilty about littering.....so i continued to write and burn.....sorta like slash and burn. you slash the dreams by writing them out and cleaning out your head and then you burn!! much love, pat

[allautumn]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'm feeling a lot better today, had sort of a rough night. Sky, you're right. I did a lot of thinking abut it today, and I think it all relates to me trying to change the way I view relationships, and possibly trying to start a new one for only the second time in a few years. I'm already feeling scared and trapped. I know I've got to work all this stuff out. I guess maybe I better just go back to the therapist. Thanks for responding everyone.

[(JD)]

Thank you and you're welcome! Thinking can be good... and posting sure can make us think! Take care.