[Typo]

I feel like I'm about to explode

I haven't been sleeping well, too many dreams, too many nightmares, I wake up in cold sweats shaking or in tears and throwing up.

I'm on edge, I"m shaking, I'm jumpy I'm nervous

Today's steady diet of caffine and nicotne has not helped matters

I"m trying to keep my heart rate and my nerves steady, it's been a chaotic day, I'm worried, I'm stressed, my mind and me are going a thousand to one, I'm manic at the moment as well, adrenline you are my friend in this moement.

I'm dog tired, but cant' sleep, can't close my eyes

thisi is my life chaos, a steady stream of it

chaos and anger and mania is the tehme for today so paint me red and spin me in a circle and let me loose.

I feel like i'm going to explode, I can't sit still right now I am fidigiting all in my chair and twisting around at every noise

I can't find any peace, I'm biting my tounge so I don't lash out at anyone around me. I feel frustrated.

I feel guilty for feeling like this, I keep telling msyelf to be quiet, sit down, shut up, not my plae to feel like this, got ot keep a straight face, poker face, mask, can't let anyone see the chaos brewing in me, can't let anyone smell the cigerrates on my breath, can't anyone see I'm falling apart today......

Find me a home so I can rest, place my wings in a thread bare nest, anything to quiet these demons in me....

[Sannah]

Silversparrow
I can so relate to your situation (except for the cigs)---
It is a scary place and so very very hard a cycle to slow down.
Here listening......

[Catherine2]

Silversparrow,
your feelings are familiar to me, also...

Are you feeling any better?
I so hope you were able to grab a bit of peace and calm and hope...even a little helps.

In Peace

[Typo]

I got some rest, still shakey and unnerved

I threw away my cigs, I fall into a habit of smoking when manic or on high alert, and it seems to make everything worse. I made myself go for a walk that day and felt better, and I'm falling into a better habit of taking a thirty minute walk everyday.

In all honesty, I"m trying so hard to be okay, I am just feeling so very low and weary, I'm trying my best to head off the low, but it seems to be a loosing battle.

I keep having body memories, and flashbacks, the words, the subject matter of abuse, sends me into flight mode, and I do whatever it takes to get away from the subject matter before I loose my poker face and break down.

I"m so very tired, but so very scared to sleep, because I hate these dreams that seem to dance around and mock me. They seem to laugh in the face of any progress I have made, I just want to hole up in my room, stay hidden under the covers till this all just goes away, but I can't and in reality I don't think I could stay still that long.

I"m here, just lurking, floundering, kinda of hopping around being present in the moment, I'm where I am because this is where I am suppose to be,

I wish it was time for me to suppose to be on vacation...

Sparrow - You're doing and going through a LOT at one time.....
The cig.s oh my, that in itself is a major.....
Worse than coming off street drugs....not joking - for real, big time.

plus I'm sure you noticed that it enhances the anxiety

Sounds like your body is no longer letting you keep things hidden or buried. That's why it's hitting you full force. And each time you try to do something to push it down it comes up three times as powerful.

I've always said this to myself "I have to go through it - to get passed it"
Meaning I've got to deal with this crap, like re-live, BUT see it as it is and say HEY ---- I didn't do this or that..... I'm at a point I can TRY different ways of dealing with this stuff little by little -

Then maybe as you deal with some of it, the other parts will back down a bit....

Just saying - heck I don't know anything....

I'm still here

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

In all honesty, I"m trying so hard to be okay, I am just feeling so very low and weary, I'm trying my best to head off the low, but it seems to be a loosing battle.

I"m here, just lurking, floundering, kinda of hopping around being present in the moment, I'm where I am because this is where I am suppose to be,

I wish it was time for me to suppose to be on vacation...

Sparrow, thank you for sharing how you are doing...I admire your honesty.

It's seldom I do the platitude thing, and this won't be one of the exceptions.
Working through this crap is an itch with a capital B...anyone who says it isn't is full of it...jmo, of course.

My own experience was of being so weary of the effort that I just gave up...it was the best thing that I did but it was also the damn hardest.
Initially, it felt as though I was smacked by an avalanche of so very many things. But...trying to ignore/deny my fears and keeping the "I'm Ok Mask" 24/7 was draining me of every bit of pleasure in my life...I was blind to even the smallest pleasure.
Looking back, I see where it actually took more of my energy to keep a tight rein on my feelings/fear.
It was very hard at the time, though, to see any benefit to loosing those reins.
Something had to give...and it was me.
Ya know what? It was all right. Purging those things left room for gentle but solid thoughts to grow into an awareness that I was worthy of loving myself...shame, guilt, blame-taking took the backseat.

Steps towards healing/laughter/hope don't have to be big.
I've always said that it is not a race; we do the best we can at any given moment.
You are honoring your feelings...they don't feel good right now but some where in your heart is that tiny voice telling you to go another inch.
Being willing is so important, and your efforts will bring forth strength...committing to the walking, changing some habits may not feel like much...but it is...you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't know it does get better.

In Peace

jmo, of course

[Sannah]

Discussing these things in therapy would be very helpful Sparrow.........

Silversparrow
Catherine has some good points.
Just want you to know that my hand is out to you and will give hugs
and a listening ear.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Silversparrow )))))))))))))))))

[phoenix7]

((((((((((((((((((((((Feathersister )))))))))))))))))))))))))

how are you doing? remember its ok to rest - somties we need to do that - just sit in the moment no matter how hard it is and say i only have to survive one second........ you can do that - then another and another
I have faith in you - rest revive take care of you ok

P7

[SUNNY2009]

I read your post and am reminded of similar struggles and angst. I hope you are feeling much better. Though you dont know me, I can relate to your words.....just thought you should know you are not alone....and by the looks of those who responded you have people who care.
Episodes like this .... very tough.
Hope you have a great day!

[SophiaG]

Yes I think the cigarettes would only heighten your anxiety and I'm proud of you for throwing the cigarettes away

Have you ever tried meditation as a way to self-soothe?

Here for you sparrow. *hug* Love you bunches n_n