I can't remember

I don't even know if this is the right place. I never really thought what happened was a particularly traumatic event, but I may be seriously wrong. I do have plenty of trusting issues, so who knows.

When I young (and I'm not sure how much, but I've always guessed I was around 8 years old) my older and adopted cousin sexually abused me (he was in his 20s, by the way). It wasn't anything rough/violent/humiliating. He didn't rape me, nor did he make me do anything especially nasty, and it only happened once. As far as sexual abuse goes, I think it was pretty okay. He just touched me and himself.

Still, I had a terrible feeling about all of it. I was aware it was wrong and disconcerting. I told him I had to go, but he said what we were doing was ok because we were family. And that's all I can remember. I have no idea how I got to his room or where was everyone else (my parents, my grandma and my aunts). I can't remember what happened afterwards, except for some flashes. I think I remember my mom crying in the car on our way home and asking me why my shorts were like that, and I told her I was too sleepy, could we talk later?. She got angry with my reply and said I was lying, my dad said that's not how you talk to a child and that's as far as my memory goes.

I have NO CLUE whatsoever as to why they didn't ask any further later and seem to completely ignore that night sill nowadays (they still talk with my cousin and act like everything is fine, and so do I). It's so nonsense, I've actually wondered if I didn't make it all up -- but no, I'm pretty sure it happened. Maybe I made up the part when they notice what happened because I needed some reassurance? More likely, they chose to ignore it and see if I'd forget it. Why? All this time, I had to deal with it all alone.

To be honest, the abuse itself wasn't so bad. It was awkward and embarassing, but it wasn't as near as bad as my parents' reactions in the car. It was like I was guilty of something, like I was suddenly dirty and not their little girl anymore. I felt rejected and wrong.

Now, for years I thought that night was not traumatic at all and that I was okay. But now I think maybe I have so many issues because of what happened, and maybe I should remember.

My question is: do you think I have PTS? Even it was so long ago and nothing too traumatic, in theory? Should I try those therapy sessions that make you remember things you had forgotten, so maybe I get some closure once and for all?

Talking with my parents isn't an option. I'm just not gonna do it.

My thought is professional help may help you resolve the issues you speak of. Good luck.

This is something you must process. And abuse does not come in a meter rating - btw. If he was 20 and touched you - he was in the wrong - regardless of what he did not do. And you are right to feel violated by the action because you WERE. And you are right to be upset with adults who were supposed to be protecting you at that age. If you have a T, I would suggest exploring this in depth in that safe relationship. I do understand what your emotions are with something like this due to my own history and having parents NOT protect you when they should have. Big safe tender hugs to you.

I didn't want to try therapy right now. Last year, my parents thought I was kind of weird and made me go to three sessions. I thought it could be good for me to say everything that hunts me out loud, but I couldn't. I ended up telling her that there was nothing wrong with me and that I shouldn't be there, and in the end she told my parents I should quit and only come back if I thought there was need. If I ask them to give it another try, they will be pissed, and will probably demand an explanation. And I don't think I'll be able to say anything to the therapist, anyway.

I like to write down my problems, I like to know what people think of them, but when I consider telling anyone that I actually know in real life or am face-to-face with, I freak out.

But thanks wpowers, because I guess you're right. For a long time I thought I was overreacting and being weak, but now I'm sure I'm allowed to feel this way. It's like, I didn't want to accept that my parents weren't exactly perfect and my life wasn't exactly perfect and I'm not exactly perfect. I can now, but I can't say it, you know.

Hi o'quinn

any type of abuse is traumatic, it's a violation of you, there is no type of abuse that is okay, or less truamatic than any other, abuse is abuse and it effects a person.

There is nothing wrong or dirty about you, and I'm so very sorry your parents reacted like that years ago. You did NOTHING wrong, your cousin did.

Therapy is an important part in recovering, it's hard and uncomfterable at times, but the after effects of abuse leaves so many emotions and such that one needs a guider through that tangle of emotions.

As for having PTSD, I can't diagnoise that, only a mental health care professional can, but having the symptoms or having PTSD is not uncommon for anyone that has been through a trumatic experience such as abuse.

If you need to talk feel free to pm me anytime

sending best wishes to you hun on your journey
Typo

Just because you cannot remember doesn't mean it didn't happen! If you don't have a T you should get one. He or She can help you process through this in a safe and caring way and determine only then if this could possibly be PTSD. Big Hugs, Stay Safe.

Hugs to you. I completely understand what you are talking about with not being able to talk to anyone, even a T. I still can't talk in T. I write it down and give it to her when I can. I can't always give her what I write, but it is much easier than saying it. Sometimes I can't bear to have her read it when I am there and ask her to read it after I leave. I would recommend giving T another shot and if you need to give your parents an excuse, then do it, make something up that won't piss them off, say you are having trouble in school, or work or relationships or whatever and you need to talk to someone. Say what ever you need to say to get there, cause this really did affect you even if you made any part of it up, something terrible happened to you and you need to process it and talk about it or write about until it doesn't bother you or affect your life. Don't wait if you don't have to. HUGS to you!

Therapy is not a sign of personal failure. If you were injured in a car accident you would need physical therapy to get better. In this instance your soul (which is the root meaning of the word "psyche") has been damaged, and therefore you need psychotherapy. Not because you are "weird" or anything, but because you have an injury to overcome.

I've been abused at various times in my life, between ages 5 and 14, but only the perp who wasn't related to me (the one when I was 5) went to jail. My family tends to want to handle it "from within" rather than call police or get any outside help. In other words, when abuse happens, everybody gets mad at the perpetrator and calls him/her all kinds of nasty names, but nothing is ever done to stop the abuse or protect the victim.

When I was 6 years old, my uncle who was 12 at the time put his hand down my pants. He only did it the one time, and I tend to want to excuse him because he was a child himself. However, 12 is old enough to know better, and the fact that he asked me not to tell anybody is evidence that he knew he was doing wrong. Later he raped my sister, and he was a grown man and no longer has even the flimsy excuse I allowed him. My family knows about it, but nothing was done.

The year I was 14, my grandfather made a grab for me while I was helping him turn over in bed. I excused him because he was very old and feeble, and I figured he was losing his marbles and didn't know what he was doing. I was wrong. I later found out I was only the last (he died not long after) in a long line of teenage girls he did this to. No one ever stopped him, because families used to hide these things. This could shed some light on the reason your family wants to act as if it didn't happen.

I don't know how old you are, or how the mental health system works where you live. Could you go to a school guidance counselor? Could you tell your parents you'd like another try at counseling, that maybe it might work this time? And if they "demand an explanation," just say you think you need help figuring your thoughts out? If this fails, you can always vent here among people who understand.

In any case, please know that you have not failed in any way.

Oh, and one final thought--as far as sexual abuse goes, there is no such thing as "pretty okay."