[Finaldestination]

Hi to all,
I am sorry I wasn't sure where to write this. I went out with a guy as friends kind of a date. It was going alright and then we went back to my place but only as friends and he wanted to see my cat. I told him from the first moment I saw him that I didn't want to have sex.

When he got inside my place he wouldn't leave. I asked him to leave lots of times but he refused. He kept grabbing me and kissing me. I knew he was aroused so I told him to leave repeatedly, but he refused and instead cornered me and pushed me into my room. still groping me. I told him to stop and was completely upfont that I didn't want to have sex or do anything.

I thought he would just leave but instead he locked the door, and kept grabbing me and he held so I couldn't move and touched me inappropriately. I told him to stop numerous times but he wouldn't let me move. He kept rubbing up against me. He held me down and would lay on top of me so I couldn't move. He refused to leave and everytime I tried to get up he would push me back down on the bed and lay on me so I couldn't move. I kept saying no, but he wouldn't listen. I kept saying I didn't want to have sex with him but he stripped nude and rubbed himself up against me and layed on top of me and tried to force me to have sex with him. After I told him no repeatedly he ripped of my clothes and again layed on top of me so I couldn't move rubbed up against me, tried to froce me to have sex with him, but instead he inserted his hands inside of me and was extremley rough and aggressive and it hurt. I didn't know what to do, I was crying. I just told him to stop.

He continued to lay on top of me and tried to have sex with me. He wouldn't leave untill I did something sexual for him. I was frightened and I was being forced to do things I didn't want to do. I said no sex or sexual things and gave no consent but he wouldn't leave untill he got what he wanted. He was physically stronger than me and locked me into the room and wouldn't let me leave. He pushed me down if I tried to get up and held me down on the bed.

I didn't have the phone to ring anyone for help and he wouldn't let me anyway.

I know this is not rape but sexual abuse of somekind I am sure. I was dealing with this all really well. I didn't cry afterwards, and just kept going. It has been three weeks and I am now starting to have trouble dealing with this. I am having flashbacks at inaapropriate times of the incident and the fear comes back from that night. I am crying heaps more and when I have the flash backs I feel physically ill as if I want to vomit. I am having headaches and I just feel dirty and disgusting, scared. I rarely want to leave the house and I feel asthough I am drowning and I cannot swim to the top because something keeps pushing me down. I just want to runaway and at times feel like there is no point. I just wish it would all go away.

I have had an abusive relationship before where I was raped and physically abused and I fear it is a cycle which I cannot control or get out of. I just wanted to know if anyone had any ideas on how to deal with this situation, the trauma afterwards? and how to deal with these symptoms of post traumatic stress? or how to move out of the cycle of abusive relationships? I took a 4 year break after my last relationship and did a lot of self help but still I keep incurring the same issues and I am scared that one day I will be killed or something, because the abuse just keeps happening. I havent asked for it. Sometimes I blame myself like there is something wrong with me. I have only had two relationships in my life and I dont sleep around. So why does this keep happening to me?

I dont want to have my head in the sand or be the victim, I want to heal the scars and move though this, one day I hope to find a healthy relationship and have children.

I am sorry for writing so much or discussing this with you. I haven't discussed this with anyone else because I didnt know if anyone would understand and or would judge me and I feel humiliated.

Anyway thanks for listening.
If anyone could help in any way, that would be great!

Cheers

This guy likely is guilty of several criminal offenses. The authorities should be contacted. I can appreciate how difficult this is for you. Nonetheless, I hope you report this brute so he does not take advantage of others.

[amante]

FinalDestination,
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this terrible thing. No matter what he did, it was wrong and you said no. No means NO period.... I think you may need to go talk to a T, this was very traumatic for you to go through. Lean on PC to get all the support you can. Sending hugs your way.

[Finaldestination]

Thankyou!
I think it has helped me to talk about it!

Cheers

[amante]

Keep posting when you need to, it helps a million. want to read something funny.....

talking about triggers and what can make you flashback. I woke up this morning with a shining black eye, a real bruiser, looks like a was hit by Mike Tyson, how did I get it.. well, yesterday my Great Dane dog decided she'd smack her skull bone into my eye brow bone and we went for the clash, I didn't think about it till later when the bruising started to come out, well this morning I look like I've done 10 rounds in the ring, I oddly looked at my face and the trigger was it put me back 20 years to my violent abuse by my exboyfriend who was a boxer incidently and left many a bruised eye on me, so I go to the store with my son and can't help people noticing my black eye, and them forming an opinion as I stood their at the cash register. It was hard for me to look in the mirror today, and see the bruising staring back at me and it was a very triggering moment but then I look at my lovely Great dane and it all slips away, her eyes melted me and I knew she was there for me.

[crystalrose]

Hi i am so sorry that you had that happen to you, It is wrong for any one to force sex onto another person. I really think that it would be helpful if you contacted a counsellor or a helpline to talk about this.

Please know its not your fault at all.

keep posting, we are here to help.

[Finaldestination]

Awww! That would be a flashback situation. I am sorry about what your ex boyfriend did to you. Your dog sounds beautiful. Looking at and being with my dogs always make me feel better as well. Its like they understand you and are always faithful and loyal.

Thanks for your support.

Originally Posted by amante

Keep posting when you need to, it helps a million. want to read something funny.....

talking about triggers and what can make you flashback. I woke up this morning with a shining black eye, a real bruiser, looks like a was hit by Mike Tyson, how did I get it.. well, yesterday my Great Dane dog decided she'd smack her skull bone into my eye brow bone and we went for the clash, I didn't think about it till later when the bruising started to come out, well this morning I look like I've done 10 rounds in the ring, I oddly looked at my face and the trigger was it put me back 20 years to my violent abuse by my exboyfriend who was a boxer incidently and left many a bruised eye on me, so I go to the store with my son and can't help people noticing my black eye, and them forming an opinion as I stood their at the cash register. It was hard for me to look in the mirror today, and see the bruising staring back at me and it was a very triggering moment but then I look at my lovely Great dane and it all slips away, her eyes melted me and I knew she was there for me.

[Finaldestination]

Thanks for your support everyone. It is much appreciated. I am starting to realise there is no easy answer. It is not something that will just go away, although I wish it would. It's harder to face things but I hope it will be beneficial in the long run. It has taken me back to the abuse and rape issues with my ex boyfriend. I thought I had dealt with them but maybe I haven't. Things just aren't the same anymore.

Thanks again and hugs to you all.

[amante]

Originally Posted by Finaldestination

Thanks for your support everyone. It is much appreciated. I am starting to realise there is no easy answer. It is not something that will just go away, although I wish it would. It's harder to face things but I hope it will be beneficial in the long run. It has taken me back to the abuse and rape issues with my ex boyfriend. I thought I had dealt with them but maybe I haven't. Things just aren't the same anymore.

Thanks again and hugs to you all.

Perhaps it's time to lean on some support from a T, or counselling.
good luck with getting the help you need to confront this. Sending hugs your way.

[Princess Butterfly]

I really feel for you.
I know those feelings of feeling dirty,disgusting,scared and ashamed.
Questions of is it me?Have i got a label on my head?
The flashbacks come and its like your there again,and its not just that incident its flashbacks and bad memories of previous abuse.
Wanting to tell and let it all out but being too scared too.

Your Very brave for sharing with us,And you were very brave trying to stand up to him.He is the dirty,disgusting one not you.
Maybe you could contact RAINN and speak with someone there.

I actually have a friend in Australia so if you like i could ask her if she knows of any organisations that may help you.

I send you safe hugs You are Not alone in this I promise

xxx

[Finaldestination]

Thank you that would be so helpful Princess Butterfly. I really want to end the cycle of abuse.

Thanks so much!

and thankyou to everyone.