PTSD getting in the way

I feel like my PTSD is getting in the way in class and/or lab meeting. And the worst thing is my professor has noticed and brought it up with my when I talked about grad school applications with him. I was mortified that he noticed. I know that I need to talk about this with my T but recently there has been so much other pressing stuff that it has gotten pushed to the back. This is what has been happening. When I go to speak in class or lab meeting at some point I have this brief (and I mean really brief) period where I loose track of what is going on. I end up repeating what I was saying to finish my thought because I can't figure out where I was in what I was saying. My professor (he's a clinical psych professor) actually asked if I have a tic or some other neuro-cognitive disorder. I told him no, that it was caused by anxiety. The next time I asked a question in class it didn't happen as bad. Bu the day after that in lab meeting it was awful. I felt like I was "gone" for a pretty significant period of time. I'm worried he isn't going to be willing to write me a letter of recommendation for a PhD program. The thing is that it only happens in his class. Not any of my other classes. And I am in his lab. I know that I have always been afraid of people in positions of authority, and I think he just makes my anxiety of this unbelievably high. I never dissociated (if this is what this is) before I was attacked. On our first day of class he said that he would be judging us and evaluating us when ever he saw us. I think this is part of the reason I'm so scared of him. I'm scared that he is going to see my anxiety etc, and now I know he has. I haven't told him about the PTSD as I blamed it solely on anxiety. But now I'm really anxious. I needed to email him this week to set up a meeting about research, but I totally put it off and still haven't done it. I'm scared that he would judge me if he knew. Think that I wasn't fit to do what I want to.

It is something to talk with the therapist about, but with the professor I am not so sure. I know that I have had a trigger recently that sent me into high anxiety and stress but because of my medications I take I would have no problem talking to a group of people unless the person I feared was in the audience. If you pin point the problem and read about how to overcome public speaking this can soothe over the situation with the professor to the point where you can assertively say you do have a form of PTSD or anxiety disorder and it doesn't interfere with your life anymore, meaning you have overcome the fear of the professor, because being evaluated for performance to me is not a reason to live in fear. I have lived in fear from phsyical abuse by angry conservative psychopaths which lurk everywhere and this is not fiction. In college I escaped this state to California, sometimes I cried to professors about topics of papers and I was never afraid of professors. They worked with me, and any professor would want a person that has a tick, a minor set back to succeed. But then again you can't be submissive about it, you must be assertive about the situation you are in to get the right advice and to lose the fear of being evaluated by an intrusive professor.

Oh Googley that SUCKS! I know you can't tell a psych teacher that you have a need for accommodations due to an anxiety disorder.. I know that it's not "appropriate" in the mental health field to openly admit a dx unless you really trust the prof and have a very personal relationship. I told my boss (a grad school psychology prof) about my OCD only because I wanted to wait another year before starting grad school to deal with my crap, and so I needed to tell him I wanted to work for him for another year, and the reason why. But I only told him the truth because I knew he would be accepting. Some are not so understanding. And it sounds like he's not one of the accepting ones.

Googley living with a disorder does NOT make you unfit to be a therapist. Even the dx you fear. Oh wow we have SO much in common -- these are all the things I've been trying to tell myself. I know you are anxious -- but here's the thing. Email him NOW to set up the meeting. I know you are anxious, but avoiding him (as you know) will increase the anxiety because you will know that you aren't performing as you should because of your avoidance. Show him that you ARE prepared and capable, and that anxiety isn't getting in the way of your research capabilities. Prepare for your meeting with him. Read up and really get yourself oriented for the meeting. Don't let yourself fall behind. BUT HOLD THIS LIGHTLY. Hold *everything* lightly. Prepare, but don't go to extremes. But go in knowing what you're talking about. Breathe deeply. And talk with your T about this. THIS is a big deal and something worth discussing in therapy.

I don't really feel like I need an accommodation for it. It is just embarrassing that he noticed. And now I get really nervous when it happens that he is noticing it. And he isn't just my professor, he is my adviser. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to explain how anxious this makes me. I sent my professor the email asking for a meeting time. I know it will be okay.

I COMPLETELY believe you in this being incredible, awful anxiety -- so way to go in setting up the meeting!! Ugh it sucks that he noticed and asked you that question, it really, really, really does. I would feel exposed and ashamed and afraid of doing it again, which would make it worse if it happened again, which would make me avoid situations, and then.. this is the anxiety trap.

But I think you can stop at exposed and ashamed, googley, and let those feelings be. "I feel exposed and ashamed and anxious, and I am going to continue to give my all to my adviser and all of my courses." I think you can keep moving forward holding your anxiety and carrying it with you, like, oh well, here is this ball and chain, I accept it as it is, since I can't take it off, even though it really sucks that it exists.

Yes, please tell your professor that you have an anxiety disorder. The professor doesn't need to know more. And by all means talk to your T. about this.
Oh and most of all congrationlations on your going to school with this disorder. I couldn't. I get too nervous.

I talked with my T this week about what is happening in class and my discussion with my professor. She was really supportive about dealing with my professor. Though I don't think she totally understands my issue of talking about it with my professor. I think she believes that everyone would be accepting. I'm not so sure. I think that she is overly optimistic and thinks it is my fear that is getting in the way of talking about my problems with my professor. I'm afraid that he would think I wont be able to do the work I want to do and I wont be able to get the letter of recommendation that I need. I'm afraid if he knows/figures it out, he will think I can't do what I want to. It seems like she doesn't think there is stigma out in the world and that even if there is it doesn't affect him. How does she know? She doesn't know him. I could be totally screwing myself over if I did bring it up.

She also thinks that the problem I'm having in class when I get really anxious might be really quickly dissociating. I don't know why my professor scares me so much. I know I get scared with people in position of authority. I have been afraid of other people. But right now my other professors don't make me as scared as he does.

We can't always understand why we react the way we do, Googley. Something about him triggers fear in you, for whatever reason. What's important is finding ways to manage that, and talking to him in general terms about your need for accommodations might be one way to help manage that fear reaction.

You're right that he might react in a stigmatizing way. What will you lose if he does that? Is there a way that you could seek another adviser, in that case? Similarly, what will you lose if you don't ask for these accommodations? Perhaps comparing the possible outcomes and how you'll deal with them can help you decide what to do.

PTSD can get in the way of everything in your life. Sometimes I feel like I might be making it, then I can't hardly conduct a conversation. I can't sleep, eat, or work to my potential. I keep 'faking it til I make it', but I think that this just masks the problem. When I try to talk about it with doctors, it seems like it scares them. After many years, I think my children are starting to catch on. This makes me sad.

Unfortunately, not everyone is educated or sophisticated enough to understand and accept differences in reactions of people. The fact that you are aware of what is triggering your anxiety and getting help for it with your T is great!

As for your professor, remember, not everyone has to like and understand us, we do.

(Seeing as I have a habit of writing incredibly long posts all about myself, I should warn you now that if you're having a bit of trouble with insomnia this might help...)

I can relate a little in regards to PTSD getting in the way with study, I have studied Animal Studies and Companion Animal Services and PTSD definitely had an effect.
The first year I was still dealing with a few things and I ended up having a break down that year. I had an exam around the point of my breakdown and was so messed up that I could barely even hold a pen, let alone read the book. SOMEHOW without even studying I managed to pass. Even my lecturer was shocked when I'd told her I'd never studied and passed (it wasn't an amazing score, around 75% I think).
My lecturer knew about my problems because after I flipped she had to find out. But telling her was the best thing I did because she knew I wasn't making excuses. There were others in the class, people I hung out with, who really made no effort in anything, and that reflected on me.

But when she found out, she was 100% understanding. I remember one morning I had showed up and was feeling pretty crappy. It obviously showed on my face because when my group was worknig with the dogs she told everyone else to clean the runs and she was going to take the dogs to the yard with me. The reason was she wanted to talk to me because it was obvious something was up. I was able to have a bit of a heart to heart with her about things (and where better to have a heart to heart than in a yard with 5 greyhounds trying to run you over).
We also discussed an assignment I had due, we had to do a presentation (I CANNOT to public speaking for the life of me), but my group was making no effort while I had done all this research, so I was worried I was going to fail. She said to me just do what I have to do, and the effort of my group is not going to reflect on my marks because she knows I am committed, even with issues that make it difficult.

Then last year I had to study and work in the vet clinic, but I couldn't answer the phones, and we were being watched by our supervisor the whole time we were serving customers, giving change, working on the computer. Talk about paranoia.
And like I said earlier I couldn't talk in front of the class. The hard part was the judgment of others and pressure to just do it, I could barely cope with it. But again I told my lecturer the truth and they were understanding.

Anyway my point of all this is, if you feel comfortable doing so, perhaps tell them the truth. You don't have to do so, and if you do you don't have to fully go into everything. I just want to explain to you with a bit of my story of studying with PTSD, that you CAN do it, it's not impossible to get your full qualification with something like that.
In my first year I had someone giving me crap, someone who was so convinced she was going back the next year to study vet nursing (all without making any effort or course). She going around asking if she was the only one who didn't like me and why are they talking to me. She lied about me to my friends. She was a cow. Well, my certificate is now happily hanging on my wall, she never even passed, so she never got to go back to be a vet nurse the next year like she was so sure she would. I know I shouldn't be happy about others downfalls, but hey, don't dish it out if you can't learn to take it back.

In fact you may find that people with some issues (PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.) are more committed than most other people in their class because they have a real determination to win over these traumas. If your lecturer knows a bit, it may give him more understanding, and like with my first lecturer, he may be very supportive. You could also try going to a counselor and telling them so they can explain it to him. Last year I had my lecturer and the counselor with me to discuss ways to make things easier for me.

And I understand being intimidated by some lecturers rather than others, I can't quite put my finger on what it is though. Maybe when I think they are better than me, or I get some thought in my head that they think I'm a total quack purely based on a look on their face that I interpreted using my insecurity that everyone hates me. Who knows... And when I get intimidated I tend to lose my train of thought, I get more blubbery with my words and forget what I was going to say. And, my face goes red. Lord how I dread my face going red. And it's all because one person pointed it out once, so now I can't have a conversation without it because it's subconsciously in my head.

I was terrified of so many aspects of studying, the first day in the clinic I went home with an excruciating stomach ache because my nerves got to me. But giving my lecturers a bit of insight made a world of difference, it didn't solve every problem, it didn't mean I didn't have to try as hard with my study, but it gave me the ability to get through so much easier. I was able to relax a bit knowing I was going to be cut a bit of slack, knowing that things could be done a little differently for me so I could cope emotionally.
If you feel comfortable doing so, I really would suggest giving him some insight. Show him you're committed, show him that your pushing through even with something that would hold a lot of people back. He may admire you for the your commitment.

*cue cheesy motivation music*

"I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away"

Okay I'll stop before I make people sick...

Oh I do think the PTSD (anxiety disorder) is getting in the way of your obtaining support in this. You know, your professor probably knows you are dealing with something, if I were you I would let him know it's anxiety. He might be suspecting something worse and telling him will alleviate any "fears" he has about your capability.

Unfortunately, it's almost the norm from what I can see, that psych students have disorders. Now whether many years ago when I went to college this wasn't the case ( and I believe this) or that they hid them better, IDK. But no one is perfect, and in the course of studies and internship, it's all about you finding your weaknesses and learning to cope and manage life around them.

Better now than too late, to disclose. This will give you more time and hopefully support, to work through. Right now it's adding to your anxiety, your symptoms, and your inability to cope.

(((hug)))

He knows that I have anxiety. I told him that when he confronted me about it. It is that my T thought it would be a good idea for me to disclose that it is PTSD. I don't know if he is going to be able to put two and two together and get four. It is just scary since his area of research is PTSD.

I've now also been confronted by another professor. One who I only had for class. She says that I seem anxious in class. But I don't feel anxious in class. I know I get anxious when I have to talk to her after class. I did tell her more about the anxiety. but now I want to . My adviser isn't the most sensitive person. I just don't know. Too much to work through. But my clinical work previously hasn't been affected by it. I just don't know what it is about school that makes it so bad. School itself is bad. I just don't know why (except for the reason I was attacked at school.) Before that growing up school was my escape. Then it became hell. And now it is hell again.