Relationship Problems from PTSD

My boyfriend gets irritated with me a lot. Personally, I think he blows things out of proportion (i.e. I forgot to do a chore), but if those things are really that important to him, he has every right to be angry with me. Plus, I'm not as orderly and tidy as he is, and I'm rather lazy, so his irritation is definitely warranted. But when he is angry, he clams up. He'll go for days or weeks acting irritated and taciturn, stomping around and making loud noises and saying very little to me. When I ask him what's wrong, he says "nothing." But that's clearly not the truth. He gets more irritated with me for asking, even though he knows I'm autistic and have a hard time with nonverbal cues. The problem is, because I have PTSD from child abuse, the loud noises and "silent treatment," plus the things he gets mad about are so reminiscent of my abusive mother's behaviours that I get extremely nervous and unhappy, to the point that I am desperate for the situation to end. I just sit there in silence, extremely anxious, and become incredibly meek and obedient to try to make him less mad. I even often find myself wishing he'd scream at me and beat me up like my mom did to end my...suspense, I suppose. I've explained to him that his behaviour is triggering and retraumatising for me, but he says he needs that time to find the words to express his anger in a tactful way (I don't find it particularly tactful when he does express it (it seems rather confrontational to me), but then again I am over-sensitive to criticism...and he never yells), and I should stop being so nervous and upset by it; my anxiety about it isn't healthy for either of us. So how do I cope with these inappropriate feelings toward his being irritated? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Hey, been there done that. I can get so bad that I feel anything I say is NOT the right thing. This leads me to locking myself in my room. Especially, when it comes to my personal realtionships, like my kids, and my partner. I feel so out of control.....that okay I am the bad guy.

Time to breathe....apologize......and take responsibilityfor my part ( which is almost always over reacting). My kids look at me with puzzlement and my partner like she has eggshells on the bottom of her feet.

I have found out one thing through, people who know nothing about PTSD have no idea how to deal with it.

That in itself is terrifying....my partner does not know why I don't so "Touchy" anymore....or have more conversation. I just don't feel like it. I have made progress however, so each day I try to say "I love you" and hug. Things I did alot of (ie., show of affection) has impacted the simplest gesture... I is hard. But for me today it is about progress not perfection.

Thanks for listening,

Marion

Sounds like you both have a problem. He does not know how to communicate his feelings in productive manner. You have your PTSD issues. Best thing, if you can afford it is to go to couples therapy. Otherwise maybe pick up some self help books for each of you.

Finally, all you can work on is yourself. Do that as best you can - are you getting treatment for your PTSD?

But do not become the scape goat for his problems. If he is angry about something he should try to express that to you in a nonthreatening and solution seeking manner as possible. Is he aware of your issues from PTSD and autism? If not, explain it to him - over and over again. And point out his responsibility in the relationship. It takes two people working hard to make a happy relationship.

You may want to grab the bull by the horns and just come out and ask him if he is really up to, and really WANTS to, work on having a good relationship with you and the baggage you come with. And you should ask yourself the same about him.

He does this for weeks because he is not satisfied with how you do chores? Could it be that he is being unreasonable, if not abusive?

I'm so sorry that you suffer the pain of overwhelming nervousness, anxiety and desperation such that you are brought down to being "incredibly meek and obedient". Again: could it be that he is being unreasonable, if not abusive? And could it be that you accept the way he treats you because you are "used to it" from your childhood?

I think Bill pretty much said it all. You need to ask yourself if his lengthy silent treatment is REALLY appropiate for you not doing chores.
I do agree that PTSD causes relationships to be problomatic, however that's no excuse for what you are mentioning in your post.

And you want to be in a relationship with this man WHY???????????

He doesn't sound supportive at all. As Pomegranate says it sounds like you both have a problem. I guess the biggest concern I have is that he holds on to his anger for days or weeks rather than stating his discontent and letting it go. He sounds like he is acting passive aggressive at times; does it seem that way to you?

Not healthy. Not healthy. Not healthy.