I need some support....

It's a long story, slightly confusing but I am overwhelmed. My friends are tired of hearing about it all and I don't want to talk to them anymore.
I have been working as a live-in home executive/carer for 12 years. At the beginning I ran the house, paid bills, supervised grandchildren. Then I helped care for the husband who after many years of degenerative heart disease, untreated depression etc etc etc) eventually committed suicide. His wife has always suffered from anxiety, depression, phobias, OCD, etc but was under control until he died.(Her daughter was murdered 25 years ago)
I had mild depression following death of my grandmother when I was 12, my father when I was 20 and finally sort help after the death of my brother when I was 38. I was taking Effexor XR but I found the side effects debilitating and slowly weaned myself off it. 2 years later the asshole shot himself. His wife went to a dr's appt and he sent me on an errand. When I came back he had shot himself. Now his 89yr old wife is medicated to the hilt and planning a hip replacement in 2 months. Her moods are mercurial and her medication is hard to stabilize given her age.
I am stressed all the time!
My brain is constantly overwhelmed. I can not bear the phone ringing. I do not want more than one social interaction a day. I jump at the slightest noise..in fact I hate noise. I get very agitated if someone shuts a door too loudly, the microwave pings, the doorbell... anything.
My jaw, neck, shoulder and back muscles are always tight, I even wake up tense.
I was diagnosed with GAD, depression and PTSD. I think I can live with it but sometimes I want the world to stop so I can just relax for a few minutes.
I have had some therapy but I can not afford it or the medication. I was taking klonopin (25mg) to stop the feeling of being overwhelmed but eventually I was just too drowsy and confused.So I quit taking it. My dentist gave me valium for my TMJ and I try to only take that when it is really painful.
I guess I just need a place to vent. I have always hated being a burden or causing other people to worry. This forum seems anon. and that might help.
I never thought I would see someone shot or even know someone who would do it. It hurts that someone I cared for knew I would be traumatized by finding him. It is overwhelming to keep dealing with the fallout every single day.
I struggle daily and keep myself so busy I don't have time to think. When my "employer" and friend goes for hip surgery I don't know how I will cope.

Hello, dahliaq. Are you able to exercise? Like stretching or yoga or Tai chi: http://mayoclinic.com/health/tai-chi...7/METHOD=print

Hope you find some relief.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now, dahliaq.
You need to find support and help right now.
Have you looked into any support groups in your area?
Many times they are free or only ask for a good will offering if you can afford it.
Or might there be a community health center that could provide counseling? In some of my searching on the internet I found some resources in my area that take into consideration a person's financial situation and offer 'scholarships' or reduced fees so people who need it but can't afford it can still get help.
Keep posting here if it helps, and know you are not alone.

Wow what a hard journey to go through, I really feel for you and the dark places you've seen along the way. life is supposed to be joyful and happy, and yet you are struggling so much. I hope that you can lean on your faith to get through your hardest days, there is a forum for the PTSD, I have that too and depression as well. I feel your pain. I'm sure finding this man was devastating to you, how horrific to find him. Lean on the PC here there are many caring people on here to help you cope. Sending big warm hugs your way.

How are you doing, dahliaq?

Hi Sweetie,
I can relate to how youre feeling. I am a nurse, and deal with patients who dont seem to give a hoot if they live or die. Meanwhile Im there putting my sweat and blood into trying to keep them alive and go home sooo exhausted, I wonder why I do it. I think you are a Joan of Ark of sorts, giving your life for the sake of another. Hang in there knowing that what you are doing is a good thing. I can also relate to the inability to tolerate noise. I live in a house with tiled floors, which seems to only magnify the noise. I had a mosquito in the house one day and I swear the sound of its buzzing was compairable to the sound a 7-47 airplane makes. That mosquito is in heaven now. My psych nurse said that sensitivity to noise is normal in our case, and there is not much we can do except take something for anxiety and try to keep the noise to a minimum. Funny though, I dont seem to be sensitive to noise at work, and its like 8 hours of continuous chaos there.

So far you have dedicated you life to helping other people. It might be time to take care of yourself as well. I like the suggestions of community mental health centers (are there any available in your area?). Therapy could be your "healing yourself" which everyone deserves, especially you.

Good luck,
asl123