I keep thinking to myself, just admit it, just admit it and people can help you. They'll welcome you, and love you. Why wont I? Why won't I admit it?

Because admitting it is a dangerous thing, it's dangerous information.

But you can't deny it, can you? Everything else can be washed away as the power of suggestion, as an elaborate fabrication just to fit in. Does it get lonely? Being one of your few friends without being emotionally scarred? This is irritating. Irritating that it can't be pushed away, that it can't be written off like that. So ****ing irritating like a rash on your skin that you can't scratch off.

you thought you remembered but you didn't really, who did? Nobody is a reliable resource of information. Mom remembers even less then you, J remembers nothing, dad wasn't even there, and you? Patchy at best. You could ask step-sisters... if they were there, or step brother... but that would require asking, and admitting not knowing.

Can you remember at all? You didn't get it right the first time. When reality is based off of lies or at least partial lies then what do you base new realities off of? Why are they also lies, if everything is lies then what is the truth.

You hide it, because you don't want to be proven wrong. You don't want to risk people telling you it never happened and that your hunches are fake. And then what do you have left? Delusions. And many people who know such dark feelings and can only laugh. Laugh because you are delusional.

Though, they already said I wasn't. One person isn't they. But it still counts. Even when I feel like I'm going a million places at once and apologize for it he didn't think I was going all over the place, and was in fact very clear and concise. He is the only person in the world who knows, and I think he believes me. Why else would he say that he can't help me much more and wants to refer me to someone else? He doesn't hate me. If he thought I was delusional he would tell me. He called me brave.

I still think I can keep ranting but my feelings have run their course, anything else would be repetitive. I have nothing more to say to this and there isn't anything I could possible add to it.

This entire monologue (which you have to deal with since I havn't been in therapy in months) was inspired by when I was watching my favorite (well, one of them at least) TV show Intervention and this meth addict was talking at length about being molested as a child

PS: J is the first letter of my brother's name. in my head I said my brother's name but because I'm paranoid like that I decided not to put the full name... as to why I didn't say "brother"? It would kill the flow.

[Typo]

(((((Kaika)))))

I understand your pain and confusion very well, it is something I struggled with a lot when first telling T about the abuse, my memory of it is spotty and murky, and I may never know all the answers to my questions, I will never have hard evidence to prove the event, all I have are my memories, little clues, little pieces to a puzzle, that may never make a whole picture, but I"m okay with that, it's something I think many of us as surviors have to come to peace with.

Please be kind with yourself hun, take this journey one small step at a time, we all heal at diffrent rates, we go at the pace that works best for us.

It's hard to admitt it, to say it, even to ourselves, you don't have to take taht step till your ready, it took me almost two years of being in and out of therapy before I could write it down, before I could say it to T, let alone myself.

There are going to be those that will out of their own seflish protection and fear deny your experinces, tell you you remember wrong, becaue the reality of what you went through upsets them too greatly, but don't let them plant seeds of doubt in you, YOU know the truth, you know your story.

I wish you so much peace Kaika, you are a very kind caring soul, with a lot of smarts and heart, I am here for you step by step in this journey, never heistate to pm me.

Much love
Typo

thanks typo I did tell my T about it (not out loud- in writing) and that's when he said I need more help then he can provide and was going to look for a good T that was still affordable to recommend me to and if he can't find one then we'd just keep going together. It was really hard.

I felt the need to this thread

[michele#3]

Kaika, like Typo and you I've been there and know that you may never know all of what happened. Just know that the fuzziness of your memories doesn't make what happened any less real.

(((((((( Kaika ))))))))

[AtreyuFreak]

A few quick comments: I also love Intervention, but haven't seen it for a while since we don't have cable anymore, and it's somewhat triggering.

And I just wanted to say, I feel exactly the same way. The shame, the denial, worrying that someone else will say it wasn't that way or it didn't happen...it's awful, and I'm very sorry you have to go through it too. Please know that I'm here to talk if you need me; I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but I'm here .

[Julial]

I did not remember my molestation with my brother (7 yrs older) until I was in treatment for alcoholism when I was 26. I called my brother, he admitted it and was very sorry but his wife told me it was my fault (I was 8 at the time of the abuse). I thought I dealing with it until I called my mother and she denied it. She called my brother and he did admit to the abuse but she just kept asking me where was she when this was happening. She was a stay at home Mom and really didn't want to admit that this was going on under her nose. She would never speak of it, told me it was over and that I needed to get over it and that the alcoholism was bad behavior and a failure to control myself. I still am not sure how I fell about everything and I am 52 yrs old. Some people have suggested that I let it go but it has not happened that way yet. I feel your pain and I know that even writing about it can almost bring it back again. I'll be going to a t in 2 weeks, I pray that I get an understanding one. Good luck to you and please don't give up.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Kaika))))

Thank you for taking the chance to reach out and to post. I am sorry this is all going on for you and that you are having to try to figure this all out. My heart is right there with you and I understand what you are feeling and going through. I too have questioned and wanted to denigh and scream NO and run from all the feelings and thoughts that have invaded me for so long.

Trying to find some other answer to see something else must be wrong. But as many times as I denighed, as many times as I looked the other way, as many times as I sakd there is no way this could have happened, the feelings just got stronger and would keep putting this pressure on me until I felt I was going to burst oopen at the seams and never be able to be put back together.

The more I tried to make it go away and to say that it was not so, the worse I felt and the more anxious and feelings would appear. The more I withdrew and could not stop the non-stop screaming from somewhere within myself and the voices that were not my own yet they were. And the more I tried to not listen, to not be there the more they woudl push against my head.

The headaches, the feelings, the thoughts tht were not mine yet unrelenting, the tears or lack of but emotions that would hit from no where as if to say you are going to listen to me. I am here and I am not going anywhere because I am truth that you do not want to look at.

The worry about others that would say I was not telling the truth and that nothing happened. This was happening long before ai even said anything. They do not want the truth out. They do not want anyone to know. And you yourself, do not want this to be so. Who does? It is something that is wrong and the lies encircle us and tell us no one will listen and no one will care.

Lies that have infiltrated us to not see so that we will not look at the truth. Deceiving lies that are not ours to own but those of others that have done these things to us. I do not know of anyone who does not carry these lies and until we can find it within ourselves to stop giving the lies the credit they do not deserve, we continue to question.

I do know where you are,. For even now, I still try to make it all go away. To make myslef tuck it all away somewhere where no one will see, or know. I still fear no one will be there if they know all. I still am terrified that I will not be believed and that would crush me like a bolder and send me under to a place I could not come back from.

Those within myself hold the keys to what happened. And turning away from them is turning away from myself. AndI turning away from myself I am trapping me in a place that there is no help. Trying hard to reach yet pulling back with fear. If they can keep us locked within and questioning, then they do not nave to face the truth.

We are listening and we understand so much of what you feel. If those feeling are there and they are that strong there is a reason. Know that we are not questioning you. I think we all go through this at some point. Please keep reaching out, keep ranting if you have to. Know that we are here for you and we care.

We believe you and we believe that you have a right to be heard. There is no expectations or conditions you have to meet to be believed here. Something is screaming out to you from within. I hope you will keep posting and talking. You are important and you are worth figurung this out. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Kaika))))

Just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I wanted you to know that you are cared about and understood. It is so hard when things start to surface and sometimes the questions can beat you down so much. We all question as for so many we were told not to say anything and that it was our fault. Just know that you are okay and we care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

thanks for caring, but I'm doing ok... thinking I'm getting over the mini (severe) depressive episode that accompanied the equinox. (I was so energetic yesterday! And today hasn't been bad except it was kind of annoying when my brother yelled at me for going to my room when I had been downstairs with the puppy for 3 hours)