[PahaSapa]

hi. for a long time now i have very violent thoughts and i think it comes from ptsd. it seems that i can't get past the anger i got towards people who have hurt me in the past. even though those things are a long time ago. i zone out and i think about beating the crap out of them. blood, bones breaking smashing there faces into the pavement. very very graphic violent stuff. and the thing that scares me most is i love how it makes me feel. thinking that stuff makes me feel great. when i'm stressed or mad or anything like i think about stomping on one of there faces over and over again until its crushed or shooting them or setting them on fire anything and i feel so calm and relaxed. sometimes i think about that stuff to relax and fall asleep at night. i used to fight a lot and i know i was a jerk for doing it but i miss it. i would never hurt anyone in my family or my friends or a innocent person anything like that but if i saw one of them people that i think about hurting i don't know what i'd do. i'd like to think its just in my head and just a way of dealing with stuff but i don't know.

Hello, PahaSapa. Do you thing you should get some help with this?

[PahaSapa]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, PahaSapa. Do you thing you should get some help with this?

yeah i talk about it in therapy and she give suggests for good ways to get my anger out but none of htat helps. its just talking in circles

Ask your therapist for more help with the anger management. There are many articles online you might want to look at.

I have had a lot of anger in my life. For years, once I was triggered I was off like a drag racer and there was no stopping until I ran out of fuel. I made a list of triggers and tried to anticipate situations that may put me in jeopardy of going off. At first, I just walked away. Now I am much better at realizing most battles are not worth fighting.

Like everything else, managing anger takes a proactive approach and a lot of very hard work. Good luck.

[michele#3]

Like you I have violent fantasies too. I also have PTSD as well. I'm pretty sure that these feelings stem from PTSD. My only advice is to talk to your T. about these thoughts and to go get some form of anger management. It helps. And remember they are just thoughts. What really counts is when they become actions.

[NuckingFutz]

question: if this works for you and you are not harming anyone nor yourself, what is to work through?

[PahaSapa]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

question: if this works for you and you are not harming anyone nor yourself, what is to work through?

i dunno. i guess that is part the question. is it ok to think like that if i don't act on it?

Originally Posted by PahaSapa

i dunno. i guess that is part the question. is it ok to think like that if i don't act on it?

Wow, that's a great question. I wonder too, because I have revenge fantasies. And then, I'm a Christian, so am I guilty of committing the sin in my head, even if I don't do it outright? That complicates things for me.

Plus, I have such trouble with forgiveness. How can I say "that's OK" to some very not-OK things? I know, that's not what forgiveness is, but I can't seem to wrap my head around that fact. Then I also worry that having the thoughts in my head will one day *cause* me to act on it.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I do want you to know I understand.

but if i saw one of them people that i think about hurting i don't know what i'd do. i'd like to think its just in my head and just a way of dealing with stuff but i don't know.

This is what concerns me.

[Evening]

I fantasise about things too, maybe a little different to what you mean though, I tend to find myself imagining I've been in situations where I've been attacked (I won't go into the details of it incase it's a trigger for someone) or there are ghosts in my house, just really bizarre stuff. Not so much ME doing these things but someone else. Perhaps the fact I'm really hypervigilent about these same things has something to do with it.

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Paha)))))))))))))))))))

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I identify with violent fantasies, too.

I dream at night about doing things to ppl.

I haven't acted on them.

I won't.

But I identify with the feelings and thoughts.

Thank you for sharing.

Billi

Sits back in chintzy computer chair, muses over this thread Hate violence of any kind makes me ill. (why) Learned Helplessness? I could ne'er get back at them physically? Always overpowered, it's a letdown-not unlike wars?

Prefer words--prefer head games--good at that...yeah, let's talk!!

"Keep playin those mind games together............"Lennon

[AShadow721]

What is concerning about having violent fantasies is the chance of the opponituny to fulfill them. For example, I have PTSD with violent urges. The anger outbursts in PTSD as well as the desire for vengence cause these feelings in me. My concern about these feelings is that I have an 18 month old and I am the only one that ever takes care of him, so I have the oppotunity, and that is scary. It makes me hate my father for having abused me and causing me to have these feelings. I HAD to get help and learn some anger management skills to prevent me from continuing the cycle to the next generation. This has to be a day to day, second to second awareness to not let myself give in. It's not his fault, he doesn't deserve my anger or hostility. I'm angry at my father and other abusers, not my son. Anger management will help you and you should talk to a T about this. When I have feelings like this it makes me feel like a monster and alike to my abuser and it scares me.

[Perna]

Thoughts are just thoughts but they can be uncomfortable, and one can suspect them as playing a role one would rather they didn't, as you've found.

I spent many years wanting to smash my fist down my stepmother's throat. Of course, I never did that or anything like it. Once, when my T told me in session she was going to be going away for a few weeks in a month or two, I was great in session but when I left and saw her car, the first thing I thought was that I wanted to slash her tires! That actually made me laugh as there's no way I could do that and it's so far from my "normal" self that I immediately went looking for the trigger and realized it was because I hadn't dealt with her announcement she was going away.

If you work through your issues with the abusers and people from your past, the anger will lessen too. I thought of mine as more of a symptom though and I try to look at the real issue rather than the symptoms as a symptom is just a tool to help us get through things and not something that can be done away with without something else replacing it. I have found I have to get a the core stuff before a symptom will go away.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

again, I appreciate the posts here about anger.

I too feel like a monster and when my roommate acts scared of me, I really hate myself.

Billi

[AShadow721]

Awww. Billi, don't hate yourself. We have a right to be angry, we just need to learn how to express our anger in a more possitive way.

[WePow]

PahaSapa, I also have thoughts along those lines at times and T said it is because I have not yet fully processed the trauma of the events. So now I am going to have to actually FEEL the anger and express it. T is goig to help me figure out how to express it in a healthy way. oh what fun

[dee6445]

I have fought this for years. If I am better, than I must forgive. But I don't want to forgive. I am very angry. I keep all of this inside - I am an emotionless rock. My son said, "Mom, you're going to have a heart attack." Maybe this summer I will be heard. It is something that I have thought about for a long time. I don't need revenge, I need the ability to say, "You really hurt me. You destroyed me." But, most the time, I think that those who are capable of such acts are not capable of empathy, so it is probably just a waste of time. I wish I had an answer, because this is what has kept me stuck for 5 years. I know I would be able to recover if I had resolution.