[REEG]

I'm notcing that as my daughter goes through certain developmental stages/ experiences, they can be a real trigger for my own past abuse issues. With T's help, I can better recognize that this is going on and deal. But it's long painstaking stuff and I don't often realize until after my overreaction that it's about 'old stuff' , not my girl's behavior.
I'm feeling pretty awful about ways I have reacted... frsutrated that it's taking so long to see and change patterns, and worried about the damage I have done.

Any advice from other parents out there??

Hello, REEG. Are you saying your daughter has to endure consequences because of the triggering?

[purple_fins]

I commend you on being in therapy and seeing this while your child is still young. (I never did that-wish I could do things over...*sigh*) ... I think that's a great thing.
You can see what you're doing, and therapy can help you understand and resolve things so it won't negatively affect your daughter.

advice I'd give--- keep an open mic with your daughter and make sure you OWN your behavior. If she says something you did/said upset her-- validate her feelings.

It can be a tough road but with a good therapist helping you, I think you have a great chance of healing
and your past not hurting your daughter.

best to you

fins

[Perna]

It might have been similar for your own parents. I remember reading a book about a woman who, as she lost weight, "became" again, the person she'd been at the age she'd been that new, lower weight.

I would talk a bit to your daughter, apologize when you realize you've been hard at the wrong time, etc. Just keep the communication lines open!

[REEG]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, REEG. Are you saying your daughter has to endure consequences because of the triggering?

Well, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. I discipline mostly by time outs/ and we use a system where she earns rewards for good behavior consequnces including loss of privleges/ allowances for poor behavior. Usually this gives the time and space to calm down (I have always thought that time outs are as muich for adults getting their behavior /emotions together as the kids) So as far as direct consquences I impose, the time lag usually helps me to reoup and relalize that I've been overly harsh and can make adjustments.

My partner was a good balance, but I'm a single parent now so I have to provide my own questions and reminders (at least in the moment).

But sure there have been consequences she has had to endure, dealing with my unreaonableness, my emotional ups and downs, etc...

[REEG]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I commend you on being in therapy and seeing this while your child is still young. (I never did that-wish I could do things over...*sigh*) ... I think that's a great thing.
You can see what you're doing, and therapy can help you understand and resolve things so it won't negatively affect your daughter.

advice I'd give--- keep an open mic with your daughter and make sure you OWN your behavior. If she says something you did/said upset her-- validate her feelings.

It can be a tough road but with a good therapist helping you, I think you have a great chance of healing
and your past not hurting your daughter.

best to you

fins

I try to apologize when I feel I was wrong, and we talk about the choices we can make next time. And once I find a tricky area, I can know it's a 'danger zone' and to be cautious. Our family had foster children for many years, but now that I have my daughter, it IS different. More intimate, and I take things more personally... and things that were easy with the boys in our home are definitely NOT easy for me with my girl... this is throwing me as I thought I had this 'wrapped up'.

Glad you are in therapy...that's good...but is there any way you can stop yourself from reacting first to triggers--count to ten, pull back, meditate, leave the room etc., before you do damage?
My kids are 32 and 33, I had to stand back when they went at me, and they still do--they are cruel, unkind, and abusive-I do not retaliate in kind...they learned this behavior from their father, and use it on me because they know i will not hurt them in kind.....I am the parent, I am the example..be well-theo

[Typo]

((((((((REEG)))))))))

I'm not a parent, but when I discussed my desire to have children some day T said that it would most likely bring up things from my childhood and I would have to reenroll in therapy

I've noticed that certain stages my little sister goes through will trigger me (I'm 8 years older than here and I take care of her a lot, I almost have a 3rd parent role) I find myself having to walk away, take a time out, and come back so we can discussed what happened and why it wasn't okay, or why it shouldn't happen.

I understand how you feel, please remember to not only be kind and patient with your own daughter but also with yourself,

Sending best wishes and many peaceful thoughts
Typo

Reeg--I also want to say, if i was short with you, i apologize.
I do know the pain of children-especially girls growing up--they are so quick to know your triggers--what buttons to push and hurt you the most. It is awful and extremely painful...my heart goes out to you.

I did what i did when anyone hurt me, I moved my pain off to the side---my mom always said "anger is the direct result of pain" I did not let the anger come out.

I don't think i ever have---it does nothing for me.
Like physical violence, I can hurt others so much more with the written, or spoken word.......and I can love others so much more the same way.

I recall, doing that with my kids, starting at about age 7--we used to write letters to one another expressing how we felt about this or that--it was a wonderful tool.

Rather than spitting venom, we'd write, and it was an excercise for them in learning
to write, and express themselves on paper....sound good to you?--theo

[REEG]

Originally Posted by theodora

Reeg--I also want to say, if i was short with you, i apologize.
I do know the pain of children-especially girls growing up--they are so quick to know your triggers--what buttons to push and hurt you the most. It is awful and extremely painful...my heart goes out to you.

I did what i did when anyone hurt me, I moved my pain off to the side---my mom always said "anger is the direct result of pain" I did not let the anger come out.

I don't think i ever have---it does nothing for me.
Like physical violence, I can hurt others so much more with the written, or spoken word.......and I can love others so much more the same way.

I recall, doing that with my kids, starting at about age 7--we used to write letters to one another expressing how we felt about this or that--it was a wonderful tool.

Rather than spitting venom, we'd write, and it was an excercise for them in learning
to write, and express themselves on paper....sound good to you?--theo

I really like the letter writing idea, my girl has been journaling since she was little, and this is very novel and I think she would enjoy it. Thanks!

[REEG]

Originally Posted by Typo

((((((((REEG)))))))))

I'm not a parent, but when I discussed my desire to have children some day T said that it would most likely bring up things from my childhood and I would have to reenroll in therapy

I've noticed that certain stages my little sister goes through will trigger me (I'm 8 years older than here and I take care of her a lot, I almost have a 3rd parent role) I find myself having to walk away, take a time out, and come back so we can discussed what happened and why it wasn't okay, or why it shouldn't happen.

I understand how you feel, please remember to not only be kind and patient with your own daughter but also with yourself,

Sending best wishes and many peaceful thoughts
Typo

Sometimes too what is difficult is that my daughter is SO expressive, where I'd like to be, at times. She has her own stuggles with SA and bio family issues from before we knew her, and is in T, I'm open about the fact I am too and that we both have things to work on.

THis helps- but the awareness that I have been overly judgemental or have limited opportunities or stunted her awareness/ growth because of MY issues has been the biggest motivator EVER, much different than the T I did when I was single, because it's not just about me.

Your insight into this is great...and you are most welcome if i have been of any help at all!!

It is a heart rendering struggle--I send you hugs---theo

[AShadow721]

I have noticed that I have been triggered by my son in some ways as well (a lot of it is the way he looks, he looks like two of my abusers) and I never thought that maybe it is his age that brings back these negative memories from my childhood and PTSD symptoms. I knew then after my son was born that my father had abused me as a baby. My son's cries brought on such strong feelings at times, but it was only certain types of cries. Like when I had to put him in the crib and step out for a minute to calm down. That fear of neglect/abandonment cry, that's what really got to me. Amazing, I was trying to calm down, but ended up feeling worse. Thank you for your insight. My son is only 18 months old, so now I can try to calm down before these reactions even happen. When my mother told me about my father abusing me at 9-10 months old, from what she saw, my PTSD symptoms were terrible. My son was 10 months old at the time.

[REEG]

AShadow-

So sorry for your difficult time sending support your way---

Certain ages, developmental stages, the way a child looks, are all common triggers, I think. I'm blessed to have a daughter who just won't let her needs go unmet or let you wonder what she is thinking or feeling- just exactly the opposite of how I coped and dealt with difficulty growing up, and just like my younger sister did cope.

When my girl is so expressive, all those old messages come back- don't make a fuss, be responsible, don't be such a BABY. Luckily now I can usually catch myself and think "ah, so this is past stuff, this is NOT now" and try and seperate until we can calm down. Then later do something sooting for us both.

But the awareness of ways I have behaved that have damaged others remains... not easy when it is your child.
Seems kind of backwards, but when I am really having a hard time I think first "how would I treat someone else's kid ?" and then it's easier to be empathetic...

Sounds like you're doin Great REEG!!!!!--( Hug)

So you did get the history from your mom after all , Shadow---I'm sooo sorry, but at least now you know what you're dealing with and why you feel as you do with your son-----good investigative work ((((HUGS )))) to all

[REEG]

So... found out my daughter is getting an F in health, primarily due to missing assignments. Guess what the topic was? The male reproductive system! She explained that it was just 'too gross' to deal with. Whew- related her past SA issues, I know.

After much drama, we were able to get one of two missing assignments done tonight. It was one of those moments where I could really see her struggling, and while it was tough, had a good idea of how to help.

She's taking a 'relaxing bath' now and I'm unwinding too. Thanks for your support around this, wanted to let eveyone know it has helped.