[eskielover]

I know I posted a little about the time I spent down at my Mother's house going through it, trying to clean it up & put it for sale. I ended up sitting in the back yard in tears...away from anyone (my husband) who could see me. The water from the hose trying to water the dying grass....hoping that it would also wash away my fearful feelings, thoughts & senses that came flooding back. I hadn't been there in 6 weeks & thought I was getting over some of the trauma....I didn't realize that it was avoidance that had been working so well. I also had a terrible reaction to the insecticide that we sprayed to kill the black widows....but like usual, the physical & mental get all mixed up.

I had been feeling so much stronger that I fooled my psychologist & myself into thinking that I was getting better so I could make my appointments every 2 weeks & how about 3 weeks because I need the time to practice for my dressage show. Sitting in the back yard realizing what was going on in my head & emotions made me realize that I had been just fooling myself. I called my psychologist & we had a chat about what was going on & she decided that we really did need to keep it on the weekly basis....& told me to write down everything that was going through my head...20 minutes every day for 5 days. I am usually so good at putting feelings & memories into a dark place after I am away from where it hits....only with the 20 minutes a day....it kept it going....along with all the sick feelings that existed from the beginning of the year.

I made it to the appointment & she wanted me to read what I had written. I get so embarassed doing that & usually can't get anything out....thinking that what I have to say is all wrong for what is wanted because I don't seem to think like others. I actually got the thoughts out while choking back the tears...I don't let anyone see me cry....I am the strong one who will blow up, but NEVER cry....only weak people cry. I didn't even cry at my Mother's funeral.....why would I cry now. Well I couldn't stop the tears & felt so stupid. At the end, I was surprised that she found so much that I had been keeping buried to start working on. She did comment that I never let the tears out over all the time she has known me but that is was good to let these feelings out. The only problem that I have is that the issue that came to light was that even when my Mother was dying, she never told me she loved me....it was all about her....clear up until she couldn't talk or respond to me anymore...It brings up a post I did a a couple of months ago when I was wondering why after 4 months....I never felt any grief about her death....it has now been 6 months....& the same. And where are all the good memories that everyone has about their parents when they die? I feel like such a bad daughter seeing the not good things mostly when there is absolutely no abuse that I can determine....she was just in her own world all my life that never corresponded with mine...and neither of my parents could encourage me because they didn't know how to relate to my thinking.....I don't know how it all came about....but I think they must have mixed me up at birth & sent me home with the wrong parents.

Yes, I usually try to lighten things up with something silly to get away from my true feelings...think it must be obvious here.

I have been spending so much time trying to figure what is going on with my body & mind....besides using my horses for comic relief & exercise with the time left over. I haven't had much time to spend here. It feels difficult at this point in time to have the energy to support & respond to your posts along with trying to deal with myself.....I try to pop in ocassionally & see how you all are doing but it all goes by so fast here....it is hard to keep up with when my mind is spinning anyway.

Debbie

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Don't worry about supporting anyone else right now you will in time and no doubt have in the past...right now its your turn to think and seek to help you...I have no wisdom here just don't worry about supporting others..YOU WILL in time

hugs

[(JD)]

(((((eskie)))))) Sigh. I know. Hey, you can print your post off now and count it for today's writing!

[wisewoman]

Eskie, I am sorry for all of the tangled mixed up stuff inside of you. You are doing just as you need to. Good luck.

[Flutter]

(((((((((((((((((((((eskielover)))))))))))))))))))))

Hi, I'm Flutter... and I wanted to say hello and that I'm sorry you a going through a rough time. Please don't feel like you are weak if you cry. It's good to cry at times and it can also make you feel better. Don't feel stupid, everyone cries...even strong people.

You'll start grieving when it is the right time for you. Don't worry about this, just take good care of you right now. SleepsWithButterflies is right, you need support right now so please take it without worry of whether you're being supportive enough. As much as you feel like you can do is enough.

Good luck at your dressage show and spend more time with those horses...they're therapy too.

((((((((((((((((eskielover)))))))))))))))

[mytime]

((((((((((eskielover))))))))))

You sound soo much like me!!! I know exactly what you mean about being the strong one, and never crying.

Glad to hear you go it out though, I think for people like us, that is half the battle is being able to cry and get that emotion out! keep it up

as for the grief, it will come when it is meant to, and maybe its just not meant to come. I knw I will not be grief striken when my mother dies, as horrible as it sounds, I think she causes half my issues. I will be sad, bnut not stricken, ya know??

(((((((((((((((((9eskie)))))))))))))))))

You are doing well!!!! keep it up

[Schatze]

How did I miss this thread???

Oh Eskie,

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((eskie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't think you are a bad daugter. You will grieve when the time is right for you and it doesn't always start immediately. You have so much you are dealing with right now that you may have already started and just haven't realized it. And remember that we all grieve differently too.

You'll get through this, you are strong. I'm glad to see your getting ready for your dressage show, this is a good distration so try not to think about any problems while your with your horses....think only horses.

For what it's worth, I'm not close to my mother and probably won't grieve much for her either. She has a way of alienating everyone in her life and no one is close to her. I know that sounds terrible too, but there's really very little I can do about it and I just have to accept it.

Take care sweetie, I'm so sorry you are having a tought time of it right now. Things will smooth out soon but you are handing everything very well.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Just checking to see how you are doing. Think of you

[eskielover]

Thank you for responding ((((((((Sleeps, _Sky, Wise, Flutter, mytime, Schatze, Petunia))))))),

I really appreciate your support & helping me realize that grieving will happen in its own time. It really helps to know that there are others who go through the crying issues that I have been experiencing. It seems that tears are just so hard to let out when anyone is around that might see it as a weakness.

I know I haven't been around...seem like isolating is all that I am able to do for the time being. I am trying to keep everything out of my mind right now except for those things that hit me over the head. I am trying mostly to keep my horse riding & practicing for the dressage show at the top of my priority. Memorizing the 40 + patterns in both of the tests is a little unnerving since my mind isn't working very well. It seems that even while isolating that my mind lets other things in. The London bombings are a hit over the head also, bringing back to the 9/11 feelings.

I don't know if it is just because I am so uptight that everything my husband does or says he is going to do but doesn't do, is really setting me off. I just can't stand to be around him & stupidly, I allow him to set off anxiety attacks inside me. It is to the point that the only way for me to keep my sanity is to close myself in my room. Who would think with a 5 bedroom, 2500 sq foot home that I would have to close myself into a room....seems like he owns the rest of the house & I can't go anywhere he isn't.

I think what bothers me the most about the situation I'm in is that until I can get the issues surrounding my Mother under control, it is hard to finish off my Mothers estate & get that house sold. Until that is finished, it is almost impossible to get into the divorce issues, selling our house & paying off the debt. Then to top that all off, physically, I am really not doing well & the heat of the desert summer just really does me in.

The one good part of isolating is that I can let out the tears because no one will see me & only I will know how weak I feel. I really wish there was a switch in my mind that could just turn it off....memories, thoughts of the past & future issues. I am trying hard for the next few days to only have one thing on my mind.....hopefully it works. I have my last riding lesson this evening before the show....hopefully that will be the main thing on my mind from that point on. The worse part of these shows is that they take so much out of me physically & mentally that I am pretty much toast for the week after that. I am physically so low right now & so underweight but my determination is sooooo high. This is the first time I have ridden at this level of showing that is it really going to ge a challange.

I even bought my horse & beautiful new bridle with a royal blue chrystal headbrow to show in. Luckily I found out that he sticks his head up in the air when I use a flash around his nose, so took that off the bridle so I wouldn't be fighting that. He was looking so good until I put on the new bridle...I was afraid it was something I was doing with the reins or the new bridle itself that was causing the problem...luckily it was just that small leather band that could be taken off. It is amazing how sensitive a horse can be.....I guess he is just like his mom. I also spent hours yesterday with Izzy. I needed to feel all that love that not so little filly has to give me. I am amaized at how much she is attached to me & what a feeling of love I have when I am with her.

I also got a chance to talk with my daughter yesterday & we were able to talk about some of the issues with my Mother. I love her so much now that we are on a different basis that Mother, daughter in the same home. She did remind me that we both thought that the cancer had spread to my Mothers brain & that was why she wasn't able to even think about the concept of love. It gave me a chance to tell my daughter how much I really love her considering the past we went through.

Thank you all again for your responses. I really appreciate all of your support,
Debbie

[(JD)]

The tack sounds lovely! Do you wear black and white only, or did you get a coat to match lol Sounds like you're doing well... hope you do fine in the show!

[(JD)]

(((hugs)))) are you doing better now?

[eskielover]

Sky,

To answer your question....yes, I wear white riding breeches, black field boots, a white shirt & stock tie, & a black wool jacket. My saddle & bridle are black with a white saddle pad. For some reason, dressage is sooooo conservative. At the beginning, I bought a peach colour shirt to wear & that was just not correct. At least the royal blue austrian chrystal browband is acceptable. I bought my cloths when I was really thin the last time....weighing even less than I do now....but they fit again & the show cloths cost so much....it is my incentive to stay at this weight.

The show went well....for my first time showing at level one. I went off course once...stupid me....my trainer was calling the test but I blanked out....not realizing the letter came up so soon...I was way past where I was to do the 15 meter canter circle before the judge rang the bell.

We were both pretty pleased...I came up with a 52.9.....% score on both tests. I am now focusing on the sitting trot (not posting), & just haven't gotten the hang of it yet...I bounce all over the place along with my hands. That keeps my horse from going onto the bit as well as is required to get a higher score. I am not sure what place I took in my classes because we left before all the scores were in...I probably took 3rd in one class & 2nd in the other....but I may be surprised when I receive my tests & ribbons. The show arena is reversed to the one I practice in....so I had to reverse my mind during the test. As if I didn't have enough to think about. He looked pretty good for a 27 year old along with this 52 year old riding him. USDF has a category where if both ages together add up to 100, you can show in that category for the year & find out where you place at the end of the year....I will probably be riding Izzy when that happens.

I felt good that I broke the 50 % mark for the first time riding that test....the second test I rode was only the second time I had completely ridden the test also, so I wasn't very sure of myself....thinking that was part of why I went off course. I never make the same mistake twice, so I am sure I will find another mistake to make at the next show in August. I usually have a pretty good photographic memory, but I have to look something over more than once for it to take effect.

The next show is the weekend before my trainers wedding....I told her she would be too busy to go but she insists it will be ok & WE ARE GOING!!!!! I am working out every day & taking lessons 3 days/week now. I never thought I would ever find something I would ever have a passion for like this. I love having the time where I am free from all my creepy thoughts going through my mind....there just isn't room for the creepys while focusing on everything that is going on with my horse under me...trying not to fall off.

I wish my whole life 24/7 could be with my horses & dogs, not allowing the other things in...but during the other times....I have been going through some rough times....between divorce issues, working on my Mothers home, & misc. other issues that seem to pop up that scare the H$!! out of me.

You are truely amazing _Sky. You are fimiliar with so many things that people are involved in & have so much valuable information in your mind. I am always impressed with your knowledge & ability to express it in a way we all can understand. Your talents are never ending.

I always appreciate your responses, information, & knowledge you are able to provide to all of us here. You are a very special person.

Debbie