new identity?

i don't know how to describe how i am feeling it's so hard.
i have always worn a mask, a happy mask most of the time, and also of a person who will be walked over and not able to say no even to things i never wanted to do.

my therapist says because i have bought my teenagers up and got them through the ages i went through my trauma, now it's my turn to let go.

i dont get on with my mum or dad that well, dad never told me he loved me, mum was part of my emotional abuse and her lover was my sexual abuser. one of the reasons i neber talked about it much was the fear of people thinking i'm full of self pity.and also maybe they wouldn't believe me like my mum didn't. i need to let you know that this is not the truth. i came here to vent and help others. when i post a poem or post in anxiety or depression i am helping myself heal. i do not want pity. i want to help me and others. i feel i am slipping, always suffered with depression, but now it's coming to the surface i feel iam getting lower and lower into myself rather than coming out and being happier.

is this normal? i should be seeing a pdoc very soon i still havent heard. do you have to sink so low before you feel better?
quite honestly at the moment i am lost and alone and in real life no one knows how bad i feel. ive been miserable in here for a good while too and i'm sure people avoid me. i'm so paranoid and have such low self esteem. i have some wonderful friemds in here whom i love so much, some people in here mean more to me than irl friends. but i'm scared i'll lose them too as i am such a defeatist right now. i stay in my room on my own and avoid my family cos i feel they're all sick of me.
sorry to vent like this. just feel so so so low and lonely. i'm scared what'll happen if i dont get help soon.

jinnyann

((((((((jinny))))))))) dear one....

Remember that depression lies to you. It makes you think certain ways and makes you paranoid. These are not rational thoughts or feelings that you are experiencing because of the depression. No one here (that I know of) is sick of you or wanting to avoid you. Sometimes folks have their own issues to deal with at the same time we're dealing with something and it may seem as though they are distancing themselves. But it's really not the case...they just have to take care of themselves as you have to take care of yourself.

Don't worry about venting...that's what this place is for. If you feel you get the respect and friendship you need here, then by all means continue We love ya hon...and want to see you feeling better as soon as possible. In the mean time, we're all here together on that roller coaster we call life.

Love you!
xoxoxox
J

thankyou sab. dont know where i'm at. just so lonely, despite all the love and care i get in here for which i am so grateful.

i just wish icould be normal whatever that is

love you kerry xoxoxoxox

It will come hon.....it will come. You didn't get to this point overnight and unfortunately, getting better won't happen overnight either. But it will happen! I have faith in you because I can see what you are capable of. You have more strength and knowledge than you give yourself credit for. When you loose your way....I'll be here with the flashlight

xoxoxo
J

((((((((((((((((sab)))))))))))))))

dont think i have any tears left to even cry

love you, jinny xoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((kerry)))))))))))))
my shoulder is here for you
dec xox

(((((((((((((((((dec)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you my friend

kerryxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((JINN)))))))))))))
Everyone here loves you...and only wishes you the best.
We are all in this together. Buy a postum note and write that down my friend.

{{{{{{{{{{JINNJINN}}}}}}}}}

it takes so much courage to write down all of your feelings like you do . keep doing so especially if its helps YOU. I wish i could be as expressive as you are. i think its a good quality. keep writing on here . i for one. will always read and send hugs on your good days and even bigger hugs on your bad days. you are a strong woman you may just have to find her inside of you.

thankyou so much for your words, they mean so much to me

sending you big hugs back my friend

jinny xoxoxoxo