I REALLY need help. Please.

I have PTSD and probably dissociative problems. I've seen a therapist. But he said he's helped me as much as he can. Anyway, I was raped by my fiance 3 years ago. Never spoke of it until 2 years ago (was forced to get help by my commander b/c I had nightmares and wasn't sleeping more than 3 hours a night...brokenly.) Oh, it was attempted murder too. I played dead and now I'm here. Well I'm dating someone now. And we slept together a few times. Didn't exactly go well at first. But a month ago I decided I wanted to wait totill we're married to have sex again. Last night we watched a movie. There was a rape scene. I don't remember anything other than a flashback after that. I woke up and my pants and stuff were off and my BF was layin beside me on the couch. I got up to go to the bathroom and realised my pants were off. I thought he'd just gone down on me or something. He'd had sex with me. He said he'd thought I was with it until I'd called up my attacker's name. I told him he was hurting me. He said I'd been pretty limp but he just thought I was really tired and didn't want to wake up all the way or something. I don't know what to think. I mean first off, I know he's a guy, but how can you be that friggin retarded?????? And secondly, for all intensive purposes I've technically been raped twice now...and the second time BECAUSE of the first! What is happening to me? I don't understand. How do I just "go away" like that. And wtf am I supposed to do since my therapist said I can't be helped anymore than what he's done? I mean he did help some. IDK. Thanks.

I personally think your therapist stopped before you had a breakthrough-which is the worst thing a therapist can do. The most important thing to do right now is talk with your Significant Other and explain the situation from your POV. Explain to him that you see what he did as rape and that it will be hard to get trust for him again- what he did was a mistake to himself, but to you it's like he broke your trust (my interpretation, sorry if I misunderstood)

You also have to get used to triggers off of things like movies about being raped. I would get triggers from just hearing about kids being abused. I still get them occasionally, but there's a point in you that you have to reach where you work through it. Find a coping mechanism. Mine was writing, maybe yours is painting, or go shooting or boxing. Find some way to get out your emotions. I found writing to be best for my therapist and I because I would give myself a breakthrough while writing and my therapist would walk me through what I need to do next to move on.

I really hope this helps *hugs*

Thanks. I know about some triggers, like the stupid rape scene. But it was new movie and we didn't know it was in there. I talked with him some more last night/today. I actually kind of beleive he really is that stupid and didn't mean to hurt me like that. It just sucks. And I don't know what to do. I don't like writing or painting or any normal stuff. I like horseback riding and running with a local rescue squad. Neither are too creative and only one is somewhat stress releiving. And that's only if my horse is in a good mood haha! I honestly am just tired of this BS. I don't want to have to talk to a new therapist. I don't want to have walk them through all that crap again and go back to those stupid memories. OMG I just realised I'm whining! sorry! Anyways, geuss I gotta do what I gotta do. Thanks for your ideas. You were definitely helpful

I would find another therapist and discuss this particular problem.

I don't know how your boyfriend could be that insensitive that you weren't interested in sex at that time but I would not want to be around him at the moment, that being the case. Maybe go see a therapist together since you obviously have issues he's not aware of or able to perceive correctly?

Everyone dissociates to a certain degree, you are just a more extreme degree during events similar to those you experiences before with the first rape. It's not "bad" or wrong or anything, it's your mind and body protecting themselves the best they can. Find another therapist who will work with you!

Haha, yeaaaah. I was rather pissed off and about 20 other hurtful emotions for at least 24 hours. Being around him today was awkward. But we're talking and it is helping. I'm beginning to see he is sincerely sorry. He was a bit tipsy last night...so I'm sure that wasn't helping his male cognition, haha! and we just started seeing a therapist together 2 weeks ago : ) Thanks for the suggestion! Unfortunately he is out of the office for the next 2 weeks. And I'm definitely struggling to understand this stuff. I'm a medic. I fix people. And its embarassing to admit that I need fixed. We medics make HORRIBLE patients, lol. I'm just confused. He says I kina moved a couple times and the movements were ones that made him I wanted to have sex. But I wasn't aware of anyting. So if I did those things then am I responsible for those actions, even if I wasn't cognizant of them? Anways, thank you very much. : )

Dear Amy,

I am sorry to hear about what has happened to you in the past. I think that you do need to find your way of helping you get through this. It doesn't have to be writing or painting, although I know it works for many people. You mentioned that you like riding horses. That is awesome! I find that I do my best thinking...get this...shoveling snow! Anyway, you know what motivates you, what makes you get your thoughts going. Find it and stick with it. Working with a thearpist is a great way of untangling some things, but knowing that you can do some work on your own is very empowering!

Amy, I have PTSD plus Attention Deficit Disorder, a fairly common combination as it turns out; as a younger person (19, I think) I was "date raped" and a few years later "date raped" again. I think the term "date rape" is itself misleading, as it suggests it was somehow just a feature of the date. And at 56, my PTSD and ADD came roaring to the surface at once, and what can I say? I'm on long-term disability (much of the newer trauma happened in the context of workplace bullying) and was found permanently disabled by Social Security.

I've also been triggered by rape scenes in movies, and if I know a movie might contain one, I avoid it. (I used to try to be a hero and watch them anyway, but no longer.) During the first year or so after my diagnosis, I was so often dissociated that I'd find myself doing things I had no idea I was doing. It was hellish.

I have found this a safe and often quite useful forum, but my psychiatrist (who is also my psychotherapist) really gets most of the credit, in my opinion, for helping me stay on Planet Earth. One of the things he has told me, which I'll tell you as it undoubtedly applies to you as well, is that the world so needs people like us, people with brains and compassion. Please learn all you can and get all the help you can from a psychiatrist or psychologist with lots of skill in dealing with PTSD. I don't know that I'll ever "fully recover," and I know my world has been shattered in some ways, but I do feel that I have met myself at last. My best wishes on your road to recovery.

amy06soccr

Years ago, I went to a movie and I didn't know the movie had a gang rape scene in it and when we were driving home I started sobbing uncontrollably, I could not stop. My husband did not understand what was the big deal (we are separated 25 or so years now).

I have PTSD and resultant dissociation from early childhood trauma and neglect. The scene in the movie was reminiscent of an incident when I was a child forced into a room similar to the one on the screen, a shed looking place or basement cellar. I had buried the memory so deeply when the sobbing was occuring I didn't know why, either.

It was later I realized those scenes in the movie were like what happened to me, in real life as a child. I think there may be something like this for you but different and since you are a caregiver there are lots of traumas associated with that too and well, you are just worth the work you have to do is how I see it. Keep going to a new therapist till you find one who can truly help by doing real therapy with you, not just talking.

I hope that your new therapist is an actual sex therapist. Sex therapists get intensive training on how to deal with that kind of thing that a regular therapist only got a little of in school (though he or she may have done out of class study that might make them more qualified than the average plain therapist).

Good luck

I was always ending up in situations where I would have sex and not remember it, then I was diagnosed DID and could not figure out how others could not see it wasnt "me" laying there. but then my therapist pointed out something to me. before being diagnosed DID I didnt know I had alters, had no idea what the disorder was, no idea what switching was, and thought it was completely normal to lose track of time and do things I couldnt remember.

it works the same way with people in our lives, real life isnt like the movies, most people have no idea when I switch, I mean how could they when I didnt even know until after I was "back" and noticed it was later than I thought or another day than I thought.

then over time working with my treatment providers I learned what triggers me to switching and was able to discuss those triggers with my partner. Being able to do this gave my partner a sort of guide, so that my partner could recognize the subtle differences between me and my switching, and my alters.

As to whats happening to you, we cant tell you that. only you and your treatment providers know what is happening to you. all we can do here is tell you if we have had the same kinds of problems you are posting about.

Suggestion contact your treatment providers. they can help you discover what is happening to you and how to fix it for you.

Amy,
God bless you. I too, suffer from PTSD and mine was brought on by a vicious brutal rape. I too, can not watch movies with violence,rape scenes, etc. I have trouble with nightmares,insomnia,and space boundries with anyone. I understand how you feel. Yes, I think you should try a new therapist. It appears to me your therapist was not equipped to handle the situation. There is a therapy out there called and it is specilized. Its something like EDMR. What it is ? Only a few select Psychologists can do this therapy. It's rapid eye desensitizing movement. A skilled therapist takes you through the entire recall of the rape and you are hooked up to bio-feedback machine;that monitors your heartrate and reactions. The therapist take notes.... and basically the premise is, after a few sessions, you are better off than what you were. The success rate is 90%.I don't have all the (correect terms right, so if you want, google search this for yourself). I know how badly you feel. I am so tired of insensitive people who havent been raped talling me, "You need to get over it.: I am partially disabled as a result of what happened to me, am on several medications for this, and have been in therapy since it happened. Support groups for rape victims are out there(call rape crisis in yor area); (PTSD groups for ladies are available to you as well); just keep calling Amy until you get an answer from someone who can lead you to someone who has the answer. Don't give up and don't give in. You are in mythoughts and I hope this helped. I do understand. Stay strong, we will never get over it, but we can getthrough it. It takes longer than I expected. Hang in there and I'll do my best. Meanwhile, if anyone doesn't support you or have your best interest at heart, you dont need them as friends. Im praying for you.validation is very important for healing.

Hi there!

I know not what is like to be raped. I can tell you that I feel the same way you do, because I feel and have felt a sense of "well you are on your own" It is a very lonely place. you want a hand to hold on to and none is there! Consolation from others sometimes out of reach but is there none the less, far in the distance hope awaits. Be strong. This prayer helps me I hope it helps you too.

Dear God, put in my heart the sorrow of mankind, I will carry it till the end of time. It is not a burden it is not punishment I seek, it will be neither love nor hate, Just a desire, that if I could do something for my fellow man… It would be; to ease his mind and heart of self inflicted wounds, pain and despair. Our faith in you is so very strong. We are your creation, something to uphold and it would be good to know how wonderful it is to see a healed soul with no illness, hate and pain but a heart filled with the Lords love! To overcome such a small deed, of a man who one day will see how simple it is to just Love and give happiness, and in The Lord name your soul will be set free into the light, like a feather… blowing in the wind! ---A friend offering a hand.

Ask a therapist about emdr treatment. Seek another opinion and hang in there we are in this together. There is a light at the end of the tunnel I just know it.