[Yack]

Someone hug me please....

I don't care how bad I sound anymore...or embarrased. One of my friends just said that she isn't going to sleep after hearing what happened to me. And I am the one living through it. It isn't over for me yet because it ruined a year of my life and I don't see things the same way.

Something good has to happen, I really believe that...I am exhausted...

I can't believe someone I knew is going to prison. I feel like a piece of trash, cheap, etc. and there is no reason for it I did nothing wrong - I want to move on.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((yack))))))))))))))))))) you're none of those things. you were a victim.

i hope peace for you.

kd

[Yack]

I know KD, I know. Believe me. I separated myself from what was happening for 8 months. When I saw him it became real. Very real. The police reports are all real. It's disgusting. I know from reading that it is worse when the trauma is caused by a person.

It is going away, as I said. I am less paranoid, less afraid, more grounded. The blank look is gone from my face. My family told me that I have had a frozen look of fear on my face since the day the subpoena came.

I am just wondering how many more months I have to suffer. People think I am causing my own suffering because I won't let go.

People tell me to just forget it. My friend told me if it were her she would be in constant fear and could not leave the house. That's where I was at and I am coming out of it - very, very, very slowly.

I never wrote all of the details here because it is too much so know one knows...

My own family didn't believe half of it until they read the police reports because it is all disgusting and unbelievable.

He was a sociopathic and pathological liar. He brainwashed me, lied, threatened, manipulated...he walked into court the most well dressed person in the room.

He looked at me and laughed when he pled guilty. He has no remorse. He laughed at me for 4 hours while I was trapped in the room with him.

Then the prosector told me his whole history. Everything. I did not want nor need to know. That is why I am the way I am today. Any one of those incidents could have sent someone into a major state of panic and it went on and on and on for nearly a year.

[wisewoman]

Yack, maybe you don't see it but you are fighting back and you are very brave. You are LIVING. You know there are those times when we just need to be snuggled and I am in my bed doing that for myself right now. It is cold out and rainy and I am warm and safe. You are safe, let yourself feel some comfort. I am wishing you some peace.

[CedarS]

((((((((((((Yack))))))))))))

Keep taking really good care of yourself during this. The basics such as food, water, sleep, rest, distraction are so necessary.

Sarah

[(JD)]

(((((hugs))))) You sound like you are right where you need to be for now... taking care of you... still cautious, until you are sure about the situation as it has changed. you know what I mean? I'm glad it is something that , for the most part, is behind you. I hope you are able to share with someone who won't minimize what you are going through, as it's very traumatic! Keep staying safe, take care of YOU! (food and drink, rest, yep, very important) Don't worry about the other stuff for now... you're doing good!

(((((((((((((((((Yack)))))))))))))))

No, you didn't do anything wrong, that's for sure!

Time0

[CedarS]

Yack, how are you doing today?

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

[Yack]

Sarah-

Ok, sort of, just tired and feeling helpless.

....I told another friend of mine from college what happened to me in more detail than I have told anyone last night and I freaked out. Apparently I had a panic attack. I ran to support chat and talked to Sept (thanks). So I guess I won't be doing that anymore (rehashing it, at least not in that detail).

I am ok now, unfortunately sick and taking some stuff for a parasite I had 3 years ago that apparently never went away....ugh.

Worrying about how I am going to get back into the world, finish school, etc. I can't really handle much of anything. Everything is an issue and before nothing ever was.

[dottie]

Hi Jackie. You need lots of TLC. Try & get some good sleep...Don't forget to eat. You have to take care of yourself right now.I am thinking good thoughts for ya'! Something good has got to come from this. Believe that it will. If you can do that you'll come to a good place in this world of ours.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

.

[CedarS]

(((((((((((Yack)))))))))))))))

[Yack]

Dottie,

I want something good to come from it too...before I "lost it" when I went to court I wanted to bring the detective in to my grad program to lecture in my crisis intervention class. I had been asked to teach and was planning to give lectures on abuse and PTSD...

A prof. I know has connections to the literary community/publishing so I was going to write it up and give it to her...Kind of like "Anatomy of a sociopath"....

But then I got sick...I wish I had never walked in that court room...People miss me. I miss me. Where is that person who loved to teach, counsel, fix things, read books, explore the world, talk to people, cook, take baths, fall in love, decorate....I don't know where I have gone and it is really really sad. I feel like I lost myself the day I walked in that room. My identity is gone, or at least that's how it feels...

My family has said sometimes it looks as if there is nothing there when they look at me.....a "shell of my formal self"....they say...a ghost.

There was never anything I encountered I couldn't fix. I can't figure this one out.

[(JD)]

exactly! PTSD is NOT your "normal" treat and forget dx! It's one tough bear... and after 18 years still haven't figured it all out. Thank God my T knows how!

[CedarS]

I agree, at least in my own experience, it is an ongoing process.

Yack, how are you doing lately? I've not caught up with everyone's threads, but want to make sure to ask you.

((((((((((Yack))))))))))))