and so much fear TRIGGER

There was a poem I read as a young adult. It was about a snowman and a little boy looking out the window at his creation, the words were something like such warmth, such light, and so much fear. For many years, all of my life I had a stated goal of less fear. I have gotten there. I have done the work on attachment and secrets with my T. She never hated me no matter what the secret, and has always been there. I have fewer and fewer big flash backs. Small ones usually that are flighting quickly through my awareness. I have so much less of the feeling of needing to be held and comforted. I never had that as a child, all contact was unsafe. But now I don't feel the panic that I will die if I don't get comforted to know that I am safe. I can hold onto the abstract that I am loved and can be held if needed. I have met my stated goal, less fear. And yet T tells me there is more that must be done so the triggers don't derail me.Yeah, she is probably right.

Trigger. I was loving on my puppy who is now a year old yesterday and he reminded me of a dog in my childhood that I adored. He was shot with a gun in front of me. The story was that he was chasing deer. Spooky was an animal friend. So I have the old feelings of pain and horror but I can see it's in the past and focus on my now critters.

I hope this makes sense. I just find that most of the triggers flash by and leave before I can remember the scene and that I think that is good because I can say that was the past.

Does make sense.

A therapist once gave me the idea of using a file cabinet as a metaphor. She was saying that the trick with traumatic memories isn't to try to necessarily get rid of them altogether -or- to shuffle through them every single day. Best to have them say in a file cabinet, we know they are there but don't have to look at them daily or be flooded. Sometimes files/memories pop up, drift by. Which is fine because we know that ultimately they are safely contained.

Inspiring to read what you have written here. Reminds me that part of the process of achieving goals is to notice along the way how far we've come, and to acknowledge when we've done good.

Thanks Sarah, it's really amazing that I am the same person who could never even say the words. Yes it is good to see how far we have come. Nice reminders. Funny though, as I was just thinking about this after I posted it that a month ago I had suicidal feelings of driving off a cliff as I felt no escape from my trapped pain and stress due to work. Bigger laugh yet is that I told hubby I couldn't do it in the truck as it was a good vehicle and that I wished I had been in the clunker that day. I think i was just telling him how horrid I felt.