Afraid

Oh, thank you so much Rose, wow you nailed it there. Too bad you can't sit in that room with me, or even be my attorney because if he could have just done what you posted it would have made a difference. But I will keep your thoughts with me.

Your right, I can see how much you are right. With everything coming into it I just didn't see that Rose. It mean't so much to me even without all the struggles in my history, it would have been the same pain, no matter what, just didn't see it through all those felled trees in my past. Your right, it carries so much pain all on it's own. I just got so confused with all those other things coming forward too, I just couldn't understand why, maybe its just because this one experience was just as painful if not more.

Thank you, I will have to read this everyday to remind myself that I am bringing just this one bad experience and they wont see the other bad things. I couldn't seem to separate them they just all came out as I have been struggling and somehow waiting for this to end somehow. I guess it was because all of what I lost seem to help all the other bad things in my past so it all came together and that is what I couldn't really see. I think I had finally felt like I had gotten that safe spot that I always wanted and it just got taken so quickly, and I never really expected that to happen.

It took me so long to get to that spot and that is why I have been so upset. I guess I never really looked at it that way. Well, I was, but I wasn't if that makes any sense. I think that it has just been like that movie Ground Hog Day were the guy keeps waking up and its the same day everyday and I have been trapped in that one painful exerience and I knew that from my past. I haven't been able to walk away from it Rose, you know? I have been so tired for the last four years. That alone is enough to be upset about.

Thank you so much Rose

Open Eyes

Well, I didn't have a good day today. I can't really understand why this happens but I got up and came here and fed the horses and ponies and had so much on my list of to do's that I became overwhelmed and my husband told me he spoke with my attorney and that I had to call him today and schedule a meeting this week. He told me I had to call him after noon and then my brain just got angry and I struggled and then my brain took a dive. And I could not do anything. That is such a disabling feeling because I could feel my brain pulsating, what does that mean? I am still trying to understand why my brain just gives out like that and then I am completely exhausted and can do nothing but go up to bed and pass out. I am so embarrassed that this happens and I get so incapacitated. So I finally woke up and I knew I had to make that call. So I did and my attorney was looking for a time to meet and I made it for tomarrow late afternoon in case my brain does the same thing tomarrow.

I actually managed to read my daughter's deposition and felt I would give mine a go too. I looked at the date I took my first half and it was over a year ago, imagine that a year ago and I remember that last question I could not seem to answer. It will be 375 days of struggling one day at a time, often one moment at a time in waiting to finish that dam deposition. And my attorney sounded cold and he said, "After all it is YOUR case." Now I do know it is my case, ofcourse, but it didn't come out that way, it was more of your issue not mine kind of sentiment. Not someone saying, I am here for you, and we are in it together and I took on your case because I believe you and you deserve to recover for your substantial losses. Now just scramble my brain and put it on ice now kind of feeling.

I shall continue to read Roses statements here because she's in my corner and that's who I want with me in my thoughts. I realize that I am alone IRL and its cold out here in this IRL atmosphere right now.

After I finished reading the depositions I didn't do as bad as I thought, I tryed very hard and had 1/2 a Klonipin in me. It doesn't say in black in white that I was flashbacking, only that I was crying at the end. I tryed to talk out loud about my memories that I will be asked to recall. I didn't do so well tonite with that, I cryed very hard so I just stopped and went out to the barn and picked out stalls. I came inside and came here to talk about how I feel.

I don't know what comes next, don't know how I will feel tomarrow or if I will hold back the tears on Monday. I hope my brain doesn't give out on me, oh I wish I knew why that happens. Perhaps it is just 4 years and three months of having to remember and not really being able to let go or really grieve. IDK

Open Eyes

My Deposition that was supposed to take place tomarrow has now been rescheduled until the 24th. I am trying to think about having more time and yet I am also just wishing it would just be done.

I have been talking alot about structure the last couple of days. And I think about my life and how someone's negligence just took away my whole structure that took me such a long time to build. Since that time my structure has been nothing but having to remember what took away my structure and it has been all about getting from one day to the next constantly being reminded about all the cost of that damaged structure. And I have this PTSD that has a structure to it that I have been doing nothing but trying to overcome and understand. And as I battle this strange thing PTSD I can't believe that it exists and that I have it and how much it creates such a confused lost feeling in me.

Its a beautiful day where I am and I have to drive a lot today to do an event. But all I can think about is that a whisper is coming of winter and I haven't filled the loft with hay and these bills from the damage are going to keep coming and there is no money saved for this winter. I have been trying to pretend that whisper isn't there and that soon this whole nightmare will end and I wont be asked to remember it anymore.
If only I could get to that point in my life, if only. Everyone tells me to hang in there, and I have been doing that for so long that it is getting harder.

I am trying, I really am.

Open Eyes

{{{{Open Eyes}}}} i wish you the energy to continue til you win.

Thank you Gus for your kind thoughts. Sometimes I just don't know where to put my feelings and it is nice to have a place to just be able to say it. It is nice to know someone hears me too.

Open Eyes

Yesterday was pretty bad. I wanted to get things done, and I wanted to decompress after the long weekend. I had to do a lot of driving and I just needed to get through the weekend, and after the day is done I get exhausted. And I had someone cancel the last minute and I could have gone somewhere else. I tried to just let things lay too.

Oh, then I got the call Monday about the cancelling of my rescheduled deposition.
And I just fell apart. I am very tired of this on, off, on, off, and all the months of scheduled depositions that I wasn't even informed about from my attorney. And I have been trying to just move forward. And I am just constantly at the mercy of others and I am worn out. And I have that same feeling, if I hold it all in only Open Eyes gets hurt, and I knew that if I let it out it would make things worse because then everyone else would be angry and effected too. And thats exactly how it works now. Opens Eyes lets it out and it just gets worse and then Open Eyes remembers that little girl that just seem to know, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT OR IT WILL GET WORSE. And it may even cost your life, feels that way no matter what now. If I say how much I am hurting ALL IT DOES IS TELL EVERYONE I AM WEAK and there are people who WANT THAT.
And then there are the people WHO DONT WANT TO KNOW, OR THE OTHERS THAT ADVISE TO KEEP IT IN, AND THE OTHERS THAT RESENT MY WEAKNESS.

I know this is aggrivating the PTSD and people have this sentiment of a just deal.
But the problem is, I have been just dealing for too long now. And I feel guilty when I fall apart and I get frightened and say something or ask for help. And that reaches back to so many other events in my life where I didn't get help and was at the mercy of others for a long time.

I am trying not to allow myself to connect the experiences and yet they are so memorized in me that was not truely consciously aware of how much they were so deeply imbedded. No, I am trying to deal with my lawsuit, damage, neighbor crap and somehow I am dealing with the past as well. I wish I never had this, its really too much. And none of it was my fault and I just kept dealing. So I do get angry,
because I am doing that now and it is taking the last of me and I am trying to fight it, and the battle is making me worse and I do feel ill.

I feel helpless when I fall apart like yesterday. I seem to have no control over it and my brain and my body becomes seperate from me and thats really scary. I called the therapist and he wasn't much help. And the end, I was alone and dealing and it just knocks me out. I laid in bed, took a pill, and I hate that because then my day is shot. And I could hear the horses and ponies winnying asking me to get out there and I was so debilitated.

And then that is right where everyone goes, get rid of them. And I can't because I couldn't give away cripples and if I sell the couple that are good, then there will be nothing to use to work and pay for the care of the cripples and the dam debt that my neighbor stuck with me.

I try really hard to push away the anger and push away whatever. But I don't know how to do it anymore. Thats what I always did and it caused damage, this is causing damage. And is every bit like that little child that was held down and tried so hard to struggle free, but she was just overpowered. And I don't even want to think about that, but it is there burned into my brain. I have this overwhelming desire to run and get away, break free somehow. And there is not any escape I can muster. And the end message is just lay there and take it and shut your mouth.

Open Eyes