[beauflow]

i need to talk. it is on some thing very hard for me to talk about.

i couldn't bring it up to my therapist today, i see her again in two mondays from now.
i know she would say, i need to talk to my boyfriend.
he tried to talk to me sunday and i failed to talk fully.
he suggested since i was so down today, we talk when he gets home and before i go to work. i don't think that is a good idea.
i tried to hurt myself earlier, i dont want to talk.
i just thought on something though, a concept.
the fears that are connected to revealing weakness in oneself makes it hard to reveal. but to reveal weakness in some ways makes you stronger, right? or is it only sometimes.
will eventually talk, i can write it in my journal.

[unaluna]

I think, like if you're gay, the hardest person to come out to is yourself. Not saying you're gay, you're posting this under PTSD, I'm just using that for an example. After you REALLY figure it out for yourself, it's like retelling a story. But with the first person, ie yourself, you have to break thru to the truth for the first time, like breaking a trail through the woods, and it's just not that easy. It's not that clear. But I have to say, I have never seen any weakness in your writing here. One of my posts got messed up a while ago and didn't get to you, but in it I said you were a strong young voice on this site. Anyway, you have a lot of support here.

[beauflow]

Thanks Hankster- you make me chuckle.

I know there is not much to chuckle at but still I chuckled, thank you for your support and kind words too.

No I don't think I am gay- I have talked about that with my boyfriend prior about "what if" and all- long story and off this subject for me with this recent thing - though that could be another person's subject- which I think would be ok to add any where and you have provided great words for many topics of the such.

No, not a gay thing is why I posted in PTSD-- I posted this under PTSD due to I do believe that part of it I tend to twist with past abuse of what happens in the present- especially with the inability to speak up when I really need to - however it is a catch 22- if I speak up then I ruin things in a way (though my boyfriend has never put that label on me and always has said in the past it is ok).. I am always at fear of losing him, then it comes down to - this I am losing myself if I don't talk about. Which is worse?

And besides that point of fear- my boyfriend has stuck by me with a lot of crap these past few years- and we talk a lot- So even though it is a fear and a possibility, the probability of him leaving me is lower; and probability of us just talking on it and trying to find a solution is higher.
I know life is not math however it is in ways and some times helps me think things through and courage to talk.

This like many Topics of mine- I tend to just Brush on the subject so many times (even through out years) -- then one or / of two things come up with me down the road-- One is it is like I realize with a hit in the soul- that there is more to it and I need to express that than just to brush on it. OR the second thing that has happened is that "what I think does not matter" does really matter to me, even though I knew it all along- Sort of not validating myself with things.

I am a rather confusing person; I am rather difficult. and yes this is something like you mention:

But with the first person, ie yourself, you have to break thru to the truth for the first time,

That is why I said I will be eventually able to talk on it or most of it due to I can write it down for myself- It is awful painful for me to admit to myself let alone to talk about however. It makes me feel weak (that I do this and to admit it/talk about it), it makes me angry from many angles, it makes me fear of losing him if we talk, and if we don't myself.

I told my boyfriend that I would not talk about it before I came to work- It really is not a conversation to have then have me leave- I don't think at least.

And I know this may sound silly but I started a letter to him on it- I thought maybe if I wrote a letter to him, and then read it to him- it would be easier- I have done this many times in the past and it works- he sits and listens or even reads it some times out loud to me.

I don't know if that is odd... but it works for the most part of me. My sister and I use to write similar like this when we were kids Bless her soul for her being her.

[beauflow]

I was able to talk about this- Well I wrote the letter and my boyfriend and I sat down; he read it out loud and then we talked about it.

The out come is that we talked, we will work on it, and he appreciates that I came and talked (or communicated) with him about what has been bothering me. But he does not understand why with a valid issue that I was afraid he would be mad, leave me or what not....... I wish I was not this way. It is hard to know if I am valid some times in my head- if that makes any sense and then the attached fears with things make it even more difficult.

My boyfriend had said something that my dad told me one of the last times that I talked to my dad-- My dad told me that he wishes I was not like him in the ways of keeping everything in, not talking and that leading to so much pain with in..... I was told that years ago and I still struggle with it but at least I am trying to break through from that- It is very difficult.

The unfortunate part (Not really in retrospected) is that I wrote the letter to my boyfriend in my Journal, so that is what we had when we were reading it, I had skipped a few pages from my last entry of about trying to hurt myself before all this due to not wanting to talk- my boyfriend had flipped the book cover but not all the way and the page landed open and he read part of it- I grabbed it and took it and said you are not suppose to be reading that page... He said he was sorry -- Also that all he saw was blood and exfoliation of skin and he had this worried look on his face
He asked if there was anything else that i needed to tell him; and I said no- just that I did not want to talk about this to begin with and that this was very difficult for me-- ....I did eventually break down and tell him what I was doing and intentions with it- after all he had already read part of it and I know how he gets with thinking (he can be like me and wonder a lot of what is going on).
My boyfriend said one of the most important things to me that I always strive not to do that I always have kept in my head-- He said- I never want to re-traumatize you; that is not my intentions and I would feel horrible if I did... (my boyfriend has his own story- so he does understand a lot of where I come from just not all of it- he has good parents that raised him- so he does not fully understand me for we come from different worlds in sense).

I am lucky to have him- I know not everyone would had taken this as he did and talked with me on it and trying to make a plan to better this thing that bothers me.

I have had so many experiences from family that bringing up an issue, and NOT trying to attack someone but bringing up a feeling and all--With my family- it is an attack and the issue never gets resolved, or it gets ignored; or it is just whining from someone- so it is not validated (this happened a lot when I was young with my parents) - I know my boyfriend is different but it is just so hard after growing up with a family like that and trying to get feelings out and not be scared-- IT is so hard....

I hope in the future I have a better time with this... and that i keep trying- This is for sure a memory to keep.

[unaluna]

Wow beauflow this is so beautiful. You know, one of the early criticisms of Freud was, people said, why talk to a doctor, can't we just talk to a friend about our problems? And Freud is said to have replied, "Ah, but where would you find such a friend?!" Well, it sounds like YOU have such a friend. You two are such a caring couple, it gives one hope. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

[beauflow]

Thank you so much Hankster

I like that idea of:

why talk to a doctor, can't we just talk to a friend about our problems?