[Hellion]

Ok so I am not sure this actually exists with PTSD but sometimes I feel bad because I feel like I'm manipulating family or close friends just to get some support. And I just hate it because I would never want to try and take advantage of anyone....but I can't help feeling my dependency on people to help me feel less alone or whatever is manipulative. Just not sure how to deal with this and I am sure my close friend would try very hard to disagree that it's manipulative but even so I just feel horrid about it. I mean he bought me beer cause at the liquor store he went to all 40s and pints where no less than 5 dollars so he offered to get me a couple 6 packs that costed 10 dollars and I felt bad but I didn't want to refuse as I really wanted the beer. I just hate feeling like Im taking advantage of people because it's not my intention. I mean I even told my friend he didn't have to do that for me, but he got it anyways.

[Hellion]

I kinda wish I hadn't posted this...I don't even know what anyone could say to that, and don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to embarrass myself with this.

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by Hellion

I kinda wish I hadn't posted this...I don't even know what anyone could say to that, and don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to embarrass myself with this.

Hellion, this is something that I've worried about. Years ago, I was accused of being 'manipulative' by a relative. I've thought and thought about it since and have tried very hard to understand my own motives.
In this particular case, it was he who was manipulating me...putting me in the middle of he and his wifes fights, pushing chores on me to help him...gardening, sewing, babysitting, looking for property for HIM. When I told him to STOP asking me to lie to his wife, he accused me of being 'manipulative'.....just another blockhead member of my family.

So there is nothing wrong with you trying to be sure you are not manipulating people around you, it's part of your self examination, and that's a good thing.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Spiderlegs

Hellion, this is something that I've worried about. Years ago, I was accused of being 'manipulative' by a relative. I've thought and thought about it since and have tried very hard to understand my own motives.
In this particular case, it was he who was manipulating me...putting me in the middle of he and his wifes fights, pushing chores on me to help him...gardening, sewing, babysitting, looking for property for HIM. When I told him to STOP asking me to lie to his wife, he accused me of being 'manipulative'.....just another blockhead member of my family.

So there is nothing wrong with you trying to be sure you are not manipulating people around you, it's part of your self examination, and that's a good thing.

hmm well when I really think about it I guess I don't feel I'm actually manipulating...I guess I just feel like I don't really deserve it when people try and help or just do nice things so then I feel bad about it especially if I can't return the favor...like I'm just a burden to them. Then of course I start thinking I must be a burden but that either they just don't know that's true yet so that's why they claim otherwise...or that they do know but they just don't want to be 'mean' about it.

But yeah I do tend to help with things like If I stay at a friend or family members house other then my moms(well there to) I clean or do other things to help.

[AnitaBrake]

Hey, I just joined this and am already confused about how and when to do what. I am total nongeek. But, I'm glad you were brave enough to admit you can be manipulative. I had an experience this morning with husband where I pulled out all the stops-"Boo,hoo! how could you! I'm so sick, so sad so anxious!"
Then my follow up-"Oh, go ahead...it doesn't matter...Boo,hoo!"
In response, he started in-"Never mind. Humph! I'll never be able to now. No matter what you say!" Door slam.
Right now I"m actually laughing because this whole interaction was over
cutting down a tree.

I hope I'm doing this right and I'm making some sense (oops!manipulation-asking for reassurance)-

[Open Eyes]

(((Hellion))),

Letting out your feelings here is never stupid. I sometimes feel guilty too, but I also know I really am struggling. Be thankful that you have friends that care for you. I know that part of PTSD is feeling dependant and weak sometimes. You are a person in repair, don't let the fact that people do you favors make you feel guilty.

((((Big Hugs and support to say, say whatever you feel)))
Open Eyes

Originally Posted by Hellion

I kinda wish I hadn't posted this...I don't even know what anyone could say to that, and don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to embarrass myself with this.

I am so glad you did post! I agree with OE, expressing your feelings and thoughts is really good. By posting, you are helping others here, as well

In the beginning of this journey (since my diagnosis), the slightest bit of kindness from anyone that meant anything to me would literally make me cry! I felt so grateful by their gesture. Just a "hello" or a simple "thanks" out of the blue was all it took!

I also felt as if I were a giant burden (on the whole world) for the longest time...it wasn't until I started working on finding my own personal self worth and self esteem (and reminding myself that I, too, have a teeny little place in the world) that I thought less of being a "burden" and more of just a human being that happens to be here

I hope that makes sense.

Please continue posting ... you aren't alone! I can completely relate to what you wrote.

[Hellion]

Hey thanks for the responses...this is just so difficult I mean I don't even know how to explain it to anyone in my family.I just feel bad about it sometimes like today my brother had some field day thing at school and I know he would have like if I showed up but I just cant deal with being around a school because of the PTSD so I didn't go because I really didn't want my symtoms triggered. I mean I was already on edge because someone insulted me over the internet but I wont go into that as that would probably violate site rules.

[Open Eyes]

Hellion, I am sorry you were triggered somewhere on the net. Just remember that you can learn from triggers, while it isn't nice to be triggered, I know I have learned a lot about myself from the things that triggered me.

Here you are anonymous so don't let things bother you other than allowing yourself to give things some extra thought so you can pull it apart and even talk about it. Often people on line don't really know you and CAN say things that can be upsetting. Recognizing that this is an opportunity for you to learn instead of running or having a melt down is important to helping you actually recover.

Don't worry about sharing or venting or asking questions here where others struggle with PTSD as well. I know it took me a while to vent myself. I pretty much did what I always did, answer questions when and be supportive when I first came here. I was SO programed that I should NOT vent and complain that it was very hard for me to do. And it is pretty sad how far back that goes for me. Many of the members here have that same issue of how far back their PTSD goes. It is so nice to hear someone say they actually know what it feels like to struggle with PTSD.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Hey is there any way to get past this?....I mean I feel like such a burden to everyone, I mean I even keep avoiding my brother because sometimes I just want to end it...but I don't want to hurt him or anyone else, its just hard pain to keep under control. That feels like such a stupid question but my brother needs me so I can't go and do that...it's just so frusterating trying to find a reason to live just so I don't abandon people I care about.