i cant get rid of this hatred

i grew up with an abusive mother, who was suddenly even more so the past few years, even after i moved out two years ago. i cant get rid of the memories, and the memories come up out of nowhere and cause such anger. and with these memories, i start to "daydream" about horrible things happening to her, which really scares me. i consider myself a nice person, and to even hate someone bothers me. i dont want to hate her, and i dont want bad things to happen to her, yet i cant control the thoughts and feelings.
i am so angry at her and i feel like she hasnt gotten what she deserves, and yet i got abuse from her from the time i was a newborn and didnt deserve any of it. i wish she would at least feel bad about it, but she just continues it whenever we talk. which is why i dont talk to her anymore, but still i cant get over the past. someone help me please??

I can assure you that you are not alone. The same thing happens to me. I think I have forgiven people who have abused me in the past, and then I find myself fantasizing about horrible things happening to them. I do not want to have those thoughts. I do not want to be the kind of person who wants bad things to happen to anyone. And I really do not want these things to happen. I guess this is just my mind's way of getting justice for what happened. I don't know.

I wish I had some way to help. Just remember that everyday we learn something.

I totally understand this. I have forgiven all my abusers, but my Mother is just one I cannot get over. I am so mad at her, if she would have been there protecting me like a mother is supposed to I wouldn't be here, in this prison of issues. She hated me, and now I feel like I hate her. I am not a hateful person at all. but I just want her to feel this pain that she caused by not being there to take care of me...........so yes I do understand....

That being said, sometimes it can help to write it all out. As if you were face to face with her. Holding nothing back! Including the bad things you see happening to her. Sometimes just getting it out of our heads and down on paper can help.......I'm sorry your suffering so much with this and I hope this will help.......

((((idontknowwhattodo)))),

The problem with just "HATING" a person is that it never really frees us. I have thought on this long and hard and have come to realize many things. Also I am a mother myself and though I tried so hard there WERE things I wasn't ready for and I was not perfect because I NEVER had all the answers.

What is important is to get beyond the face of hate and anger to learning the WHY as much as you can. It is not about an abuser but what it was that made them that way. As much as abuse has made you this prisoner, there was also some LACK of somekind that made your mother the way SHE is/was towards you.

PTSD happens to so many people who have a history of abuse. And when PTSD happens we have no choice but to revisit things from our pasts that had upset us more than we truely knew. And there were also things we didn't learn because most of us were just children and just didn't know any better. And MOST if not ALL of the time the one thing that wasn't present, WAS A PERSON/PARENT to sooth us and stop the abuse and help us to actually FEEL AND KNOW WE WERE SAFE. And so, we never LEARNED HOW TO DO THAT REALLY and all the symptoms that come from that can range from hair pulling, to drug/alcohol abuse, to starving ourselves, to even thinking we can only fit into another abusive relationship too. And a lot of times we also learned to RUN or AVOID somehow as well. There was always some kind of deficit that we never really quite could put our finger on either.

Yes, the REALITY is that there are actually many people that are TOXIC,SELFISH, DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE OR HAVE NO ABILITY TO LOVE OR EVEN EMPATHIZE in any way. And sadly many of these people CAN HAVE CHILDREN too and these children suffer and it is NOT FAIR TO THESE CHILDREN. But there are also people who were abused and neglected themselves and never formed the right abilities to nurture themselves and they dont know how to love and respect either as well. So, often they have children and are completely ignorant too and their children SUFFER.

It is not just about hating a parent as I mentioned, it is about what made that parent so abusive and disfuctional as well. Every single ADULT was also a child and the truth is THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT and there are MANY children that suffer from SOME KIND OF ABUSE and NEGLECT TOO. We are actually all designed to love our parents and IMPRINT from them and LEARN from them, we depend on them SO MUCH.
And we are designed to WANT TO HAVE LOVING, NURTURING FAMILIES too. But if that doesn't happen often many people grow up without and tend to wander often feeling some kind of loss they truely don't understand and they almost ALWAYS blame themselves for developing ways of hating and self protecting that ARE NOT HEALTHY as well.

No, PTSD sure is no picnic and the bottom line with it is there was a time or even many times or a whole childhood where WERE WERE AFRAID, NEVER FELT SAFE AND WERE JUST NOT NURTURED the way we are designed to be nurtured. And we often have plenty of triggers that will track right to a core that is injured and frightened and never really learned how to truely achieve a sense of safety as well as an ability to feel that we deserved love sometimes.

Sadly we have to see it in a very strange way and it is very hard to feel, because it always feels so stressful and confused and vulnerable too. However, the objective is to get all of the cards of it on the table and sort through it, make peace from it and finally allow ourselves to learn to allow ourselves to love ourselves and learn whatever was lacking in our past WAS NOT OUR FAULT. It is all about SELF forgiveness as well.

I tell everyone that steps up with the struggle saying they have PTSD and wonder what it means and how hard it is and why is it and how and when will it end, to BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND GIVE GOOD SELF CARE "NO MATTER WHAT". To truely accept the THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and once you get to the core of it, get it all on the table and MORN it as well, then you can finally learn to HEAL and LEARN how to finally ATTAIN whatever you didn't do, know, was missing as well.

(((HUGS))))

Open Eyes

I am struggling with 'hate' lately. In my case it's my own grown children, but I have never fantisized about bad things happening...I have the 'pollyanna' fantasies...one day they'll drive up and tell me they're sorry and MEAN it! Now THAT is crazy thinking 'cause hell will freeaze over before that ever happens. Recently my son took my pickup title and forged my name and registered it in another state in his name....okay, I was mad as hell, but took it in stride. Yesterday I find my only remaining vehicle registration is being sent to my daughter's address in my son's name....I can't even renew the thing! Now I'm going to be driving with an expired plate...trying to move without my pickup was bad enough, now I can't even drive the other one! It's one thing after another with them every day...how do we heal when they won't stop??? HOW??