[magickal1]

I'm gonna talk, and I may talk a lot, and most of the things I say may not make sense to anybody, but it's one of those days, and I'm trying to figure stuff out.
I'm angry a lot lately. It comes from everywhere, and nowhere. It's comfortable, and yet I hate it at the same time. It's something I'm used to. It's something that I've held inside for many years, because I didn't dare feel anything.
Well, now it's getting to the point where I either have to deal with what's behind the anger, or lose the woman I love for good. I don't want to lose her. She's the only beautiful thing I have, the only thing that makes sense in all my confusion. I'm hurting her, and no matter how much I talk about my past, and how it made me feel, and how I feel about it now, it's STILL THERE. It's in my dreams, it's in the way someone talks to me, it's in every daily event in my life. It's everywhere, and it's nowhere. Everyday, I struggle not to see every person as my enemy. I take everything personally, and I intensify it, to the point of obssession. I spend my time trying to 'fix' things that I feel are wrong, and replay events in my mind as if I can change what has occurred, or do things differently.
In my mind, I'm a bad person. I'm evil...the most disgusting thing you could ever lay eyes on.
There's no such thing as 'constructive' criticism in my world. It's all the same, and it all feels the same. There's no 'blowing off steam' when you're around me. It only makes things more painful, and more intense in my mind. If you're angry, it must be my fault. Period. If you're yelling around me, you're yelling AT me, and I caused that, too. It's inevitable. My defense mechanisms rise to the challenge, and I spit enough venom back at you to make sure you're hurt, but good. The more intense the argument, the deeper I go into myself, and back into obsessing about the 'why' of things.
I hurt her today, like I always do. I don't even remember what was said or done to start it. I don't know how to fix it, either. I hate myself....
She said..that I should write letters...letters that I'm not going to send. One letter to my mother, another to my ex husband. She says that I should write about everything they made me feel, everything they did to hurt me. Even thinking about this has me cringing inside. Yet, I can take a piece out of my day, and ruin hers in a heartbeat. WHY? I love her. Doesn't that count for anything? Doesn't that help? Why do I have to be so destructive?
I don't want to lose her, and I'm so scared right now, I can't think of anything but that. I'm ruining everything. I just want it to stop.

[(JD)]

Hi magic. You don't have to be destructive...but relearning will take time. I have my T to talk these things through with... glad you have PC also.

Just by remembering events or issues won't make them go away. They aren't filed completely by the brain (when it's a traumatic event, memory.) By going over and over the memory, reevaluating it, not giving in to it (It's always my fault) trying to gain a new perspective (how could a child control an adult?) will help.

PTSD isn't going away, but you can make it so it doesn't intrude into every aspect of your life. My family left me. I hope you can find a way to keep what you want. TC

[Lexicon78]

(((((magickal)))))

You are so special. Sometimes life becomes extremely hard when we begin to work on things. And sometimes we say/do things that we don't even mean. No, it's not right but it's the reality of things.

You've really only just begun therapy. Things are gonna be quite rocky at first, but in time they will get better for both of you.

I am much like you. I don't take criticism...to me it's all insults and hurts. There is no such thing as positive criticism in my book. They all wound me deeply.

You are not a bad person. You are just going through so much that it's gotta come out somewhere. The pain of the past is coming out in all forms, not just one.

Try to hang in there.

[mtd]

magickal1 -- I stopped breathing when I read your post. Your emotions are so pure, your understanding of where you are is so incredibly clear. You can use that power to see the truth. You can see the beauty that you are, it's in your very being. Only someone beautiful could have written what you did. Only someone beautiful could so yearn to hold on to someone you love so dearly. I have been where you are, not being able to see my own beauty, and lashing out at those who loved me and destroying what I held most dear. Maybe my experience can help you. This may sound overly simple, but it helped me to break through. I took a crayon into the hand I don't write with, but I wrote with it anyway, statement after statement written on construction paper, like a child. And I kept writing page after page of every little thing I was angry at each of them about -- those who viciously attacked me so many times -- starting every sentence with "I am mad at you because ..." With this simple exercise, and all the tears that came with it, my life began to turn around because I could forgive myself for how I was acting as soon as I knew really what I was angry about. It gave the child within who was so angry a voice. I hope this helps you, but even if it doesn't, please don't give up on you. You can make it, magickal1. You deserve to make it and the despair can stop. You are not alone. You are a survivor.

Be well,

mtd

[magickal1]

What can I say? Thank you, to you all, for being here. I did start on a letter to mom yesterday, and I reeeaally didn't know I could talk like that..heh. It's probably gonna be a continuation as I remember things and deal with them. Same for when I do a letter to the ex. I listened to music while I typed/wrote, and it distracted me from any lingering effects of the chore. I'm definitely treating myself to dinner or something when I get it all done.

[Lexicon78]

That's the ticket, girl!

(((((magickal)))))

[LILITH]

You have such powerful words... you are Magikal like your name.... I fnd you are living my life or that I living yours... {{{{{Magickal}}}} your words have meaning to me.
Lilith