I think I'm starting to slip again

May, June, and July were generally pretty good. Now it's just the first of August, and there are signs already of losing it. Sometimes it is seasonal for me, but it comes earlier each year. It's still summer!

I've been skipping my light therapy because I figured I didn't really need it right now, and I've been in too much of a hurry in the morning. I've been staying up way too late at night (4:30 or 5 a.m.) and still having to go to work by 9 at the latest (a little later some days, but it takes half and hour or an hour to get there, depending on the time of day, so I have to leave by 8). Going on too little sleep can be thrilling for a while, but there is always a crash. I didn't think it would be too bad, since I'm doing okay. I've been drinking plenty of St. John's Wort tea, just in case, and since we've had some clouds.

The trigger that finally did it was neighbors complaining about the chickens getting out of our yard. They are baby chickens and small enough to get through and/or under the fence. Neighbors (that we had been getting along with) came over tonight and demanded that I follow them back to their house and see what my (my daughter's, actually) have done. I went, in my good work clothes, minus shoes, and they insisted that I clean up the wood chips that the chickens scattered from around their roses. I found a nice thick dried stem with thorns, so I guess I'll be in long sleeves for a while.

This wouldn't have done it as a stand-alone though. I'm stressed about work and upcoming practicum and finding a practicum site and leaving my job (potentially), and making sure everything is set to transition smoothly when a new person takes over.

Plenty of relationship issues too. I'm no good at relationships - never have been. I hope I can learn though. Without being able to manage relationships, I'll never make it as a counselor.

I'm not like horribly depressed or anything like that. I don't care about the scratches - I never do. I'm disappointed that I didn't draw blood. If this doesn't get any worse, I'll be fine. That's a big if. Winter scares me. August is starting to scare me too. Maybe that's better than catching me by surprise like it has the last few years. If only I could stop anticipating seasonal slips and slides, that would probably be a good thing.

((((((((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

<font color="#000088">I'm sorry your having such a rough time right now. I don't like it when the neighbors complain about little things that really aren't that big of a problem either. Usually it really means they just don't have anything better to do. Annoying neighbors really can put a damper on your mood sometimes can't they? But don't let them decide your fate, just because they have nothing better to do than complain about the dumb %#@&#! that really doesn't matter in life! Your life is more important than their Flowers, they'll grow back! It's almost winter anyway, and their flowers are going to die soon anyway, so they shouldn't be so worried about them. Take care of you first, and watch those scratches, those thorns can get infected easy. I know a lot of people have a hard time with the seasonal depression, but don't let it get you down too much. You have friends that care deeply for you, I don't know about your family situation, but why does the Winter scare you, other than just a Holiday thing? Is it the weather, the snow and ice? If it is, there are solutions for that. If it's just the winter weather that really scares you each year! Let me know if you want some advice on that, if that is what scares you, and I'll help you with that. Personally, I think you would be a great counselor, you have more personal experience with others with illnesses, that you would be a much more understanding counselor that would be able to empathize with your patients, than someone that just stepped out of a classroom, and learned all they know from books, without the personal contacts,and connections that you have made over the years! I'd trust that you'ld be great at counseling! Don't give up! You're too good for that!
J</font>

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i wanna come play with the baby chicks!!!! awe baby chicks are so cute...my grandma and her hubby had baby chicks once....awe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! poopoo on the mean neighbors!!!!!! who invited them to this universe anyway....

i hate seasons too ---- i HATE the holiday season (luckily i live in florida so i don't have to worry about dreary winters) but from halloween through the first of the year...i'm hat'n life!!!!!

it's good that you recognize this now....maybe it will help you make a plan on how to get through it this time!

hang in there!! and go play with the little chicks....they are too cute...tell me they don't put a smile on your face!!!

((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))))

Light therapy is good for you... if not to improve your mood, just to be outside (or inside with one of those lights) and do something enjoyable. (Which reminds me that I need to practice what I preach and get outside this weekend)

I'm sorry about all your stressors. Wish I could give you advice about how to deal with them... then again, if I knew, I probably wouldn't ever SI again.

Please don't act on any impulses to make your scratches worse or do anything like that. I know you can do this. Lean on all of us here, to talk, to vent ... to do anything. We'll help if we can, we love ya!

just checking in with you...hoping you are feeling better

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I hope you have returned to your light therapy. I have been getting out on the weekends and a little bit during the day and it seems it helps. You are a wonderful caring person and I know you will make a wonderful T. Maybe you can read some of your posts and see how you react with people here and re-evaluate how you see yourself?

You seem to be dismissing your scratching. Sometimes that leads to deeper cuts and becomes a spiral. Maybe not to you. I hope not anyway.

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BB

((((((((((((( Rapunzel )))))))))))))))

<font color="#000088">I hope everything is okay with you Rap.! And that things are going a little better for you, if not a lot better! Just thinking about you!</font>

Thanks to all of you for responding. I think I am doing better than when I posted this thread. I've done my light therapy a couple of times, and I do try to get outside. I've just been swamped with school, work, etc., as usual. I'm still scared about practicum, and now taking a class on supervision, which makes it hard to set my fears aside for later.

The chickens are caught, all but one of them, and one won't go too far without the flock. We'll get a chicken coop built, but for now they are locked up on the chicken house. Soon they would be too big to go through the fence anyway. Come on over and play with them! They are still cute, although now they just look like miniature chickens, not so much like baby chicks anymore. I guess you could say they are teenager chickens. I carried one of them home on my bicycle, and that was fun. The chicken wasn't sure she wanted a bicycle ride, but she handled it well.

I'm afraid of winter because my mood tends to go down the tube when the days get shorter. I shouldn't blame it on the weather, but I don't even notice the weather until I realize I've been off all day, and then notice that it's dark and cloudy outside. Actually, that can happen year-round, but it gets worse and is more frequent in Fall and Winter. My worst depressive episodes were in the Winter. One of them involved six weeks of continuous heavy fog that didn't break at all, and I felt like I was suffocating, and I thought about nothing else but wanting to die. I'm also afraid of being cold. I hate being cold.

I saw T yesterday (Saturday), and even though I was 20 minutes late thanks to my car and not checking the oil until the last minute (T is 2 1/2 hour away), it was a good session. I know that I am extremely hard on myself, and I beat myself up over little things. I'm starting to be able to see that it's me doing that. I tend to think that I'm supposed to be hard enough, and I'm expected to punish myself for not being good enough, and never accept any credit for anything good that I might happen to do. I have thought that T wanted me to push myself harder and that she thought nothing I did was good enough. But I think it's not coming from her at all, but from me all along. It feels dangerous to make this realization though. It doesn't feel okay to slack off or be nice to myself.

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(((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))

Anybody want a job? We are in a bind for staff where I work, and I'm finding myself covering shifts that I really don't have time for. I might not have something scheduled that conflicts, but I don't have time left for getting my homework done, or things that need to be done at home, or to keep up here on PC, or just to have a life. I am so tired. Not enough time to sleep either, or to eat real food (I just grab whatever is fast - sometimes it's fruit or something half-way decent. I'm tired of being so tired all the time.

I was thinking you've been quiet... grrowl at all that. Hope things get better soon and keep posting...
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