I don't know how how comfortable I am right now...

I didn't know where to put this because really it's a mixture of things. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed at the moment.

I wasnted to share something I just wrote.

It could be triggering... I'm scared to share this really..

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I watched North Country this morning and I loved it. There were scenes though of workplace sexual harrassment and a r@pe scene. I don't know if watching that made me feel this way. I'm thinking that I can relate to the movie which isn't a positive thing to do. I then start to doubt myself, doubt my past. Was it r@pe? Was it assault? Is it all in my head? Am I making it up? Why is it that I knew what r@pe was at such a young age? Why is it that even back then I was dealing with :daydreams" even before ******n [my ex] came around.

Dr. R [my psychiarist] mentioned words before like remnants of PTSD, sexual assault, etc but I still don't understand. I don't know what' wrong with me, why today i'm so bothered. I don't have a clue what to do next....

Hello Sundance,

There could be different reasons for what you're feeling, but I can relate to those feelings. It sent chills through me to read what you wrote. It was a lot like how I felt just before admitting out loud what I denied even to myself for so many years -- there was a memory I kept denying, telling myself I was making it up. I wasn't. It was real and it was really hurting and I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and have been through a lot of treatment for it. I needed a lot of support when I finally admitted to myself what had been done to me as a small child. Part of that process was confronting the knowledge I had at too young an age to have gotten it any way other than being victimized. I don't want to project my experiences on to you -- what you're feeling could be for different reasons. But my best advice to you is the same either way. Stay close at these times to those you feel you can trust and lean on (this is a bit odd for me to say, because I'm not very trusting myself and have had to work hard to accept other people's help.) I've also worked to get to a place where I accept my feelings for what they are, even when they're scary. As real as memories can feel, I can find safety for myself today. One last thing I'd suggest, to be patient and gentle with yourself, especially at this time. You are not alone.

Be well,

mtd

thanks mtd.

i dunno why like i said in my first post why i knew so early on.
i don't know how i found out what it was etc, why i was expierencing what I call "daydreams" still do. hell happened to me throughout the day.

i've also dealt with "rape" if that is what it was called. i wrote about it... god i don't know how long ago on here it is buried.

I also dealt with workplace harrassment, even though i blame myself for it. also dealt with other harrassment and numerous sexual assaults as well as abuse. 9 guys in total including the abusive ex, ranging from the yrs of 1996-2001.

i don't know why things are getting to me.
even though i have the 'daydreams' daily... [never asleep] i usually can just shake my head and it goes away.

i don't know what happened today- but i didn't like it.