Triggered badly Yesterday

I had a bad day yesterday and I just need to vent.

I had to work yesterday and the weather conditions were miserable. It was hot with a threat of severe storms. I looked at future cast and called my client to tell them there was a threat and that if they still wanted me to come and do the job that I would try but if the weather was bad and I could not work they still had to pay me. The job was a little over an hour away so my work begins long before I get to the job site.

Well, the customer still wanted me to come to the job. And by the time I got there the sky was dark and I could see lightening off in the near distance. The customer also saw it, rolled their eyes and felt that I should still be able to get my pony out of the trailer and work. Honestly, people are just so dam ignorant. I told the customer that the loud thunder would scare the pony and everyone knows that it is extremely dangerous to be out in a storm like this. And the customer got so angry at me and blamed me for the misfortune of the weather and made it seem like I was making too much of it. Wow, I could not believe this customer's attitude with me.

Well, I made it clear that I was not going to put myself or my pony at risk.
And within a few minutes the weather got REAL bad. The husband asked me to stay and see if it cleared. And let me tell you, suddenly there came strong winds and nickle sized hail. I pulled my truck into a culdesac and sat there with this horrible storm all around me, with trees falling and high winds and I had no technology with me to see if there were tornado warnings or not. I WAS SO SCARED and I knew my pony was scared as well and it was so bad that I could not get out of my truck to close the windows on the trailor she was in.

Talk about anxiety? I thought about all the times I had warned of danger or something very real and people around me didn't listen and gave me a hard time. I thought about one time when I was on a job and was under a pavillion in bad storm like the one I was in and I had no choice but to stand there with lightening and loud thunder all around me. And the water was flooding the pavillion. My father in law was with me then and he acted like it was nothing. And I was so worried the ponies would freak out, but by the grace of god they remained calm. I was so scared under that pavillion that day. And my family treated me like it was no big deal and I should not have been so scared. And on the news that night there were people in the same situation that sought shelter under a pavilion in that same storm and ALL OF THEM DIED BECAUSE OF THE LIGHTENING.
It is not like I IMAGINE these dangers, what is wrong with people?

The whole time sitting in my truck with this horrible weather I kept having minnie flashbacks of so many times I was in genuine danger and others treated me like it was nothing and even scolded me for complaining. How far back that went in my life, so many times in my life. And though I tried to keep myself calm, I was already in a lot of pain from the anxiety. I always get pain in my whole left side and my jaw. I had once thought I was having a heart attack only to be embarassed in an emergency room being told it was an anxiety attack instead. People who don't experience it, don't know how painful it is.

Finally the weather broke but it was still raining and the husband came out to my truck. He asked me to keep waiting to see if it would clear and he showed me the weather on his cell phone. My cell phone is so old it doesn't have that feature. He made a place for me to park in front of his house. And when he stood there I told him that I had PTSD and this situation was a big challenge for me. I told him that I don't talk about it with customers but the way they treated me like I was a bad person for not doing the job was really not fair to me. He did appologize but somehow that did not ease my anger and I was still in a lot of pain with the severe anxiety attack.

I did get the job done finally but the whole time I was dizzy and talking to myself in my mind to try to calm down the anxiety. Any of you that have dealt with this know it is a lot of work to try to work through and anxiety attack and regroup.

By the time I got home I had more storms on my farm too. So I rushed the pony into the barn just in time before another storm hit. I got into the house and I was so completely exhausted and not really calmed down yet. And I told my husband and his "it is no big deal" reply just made me mad and triggered me again.

Why couldn't he have just came over and hugged me, rubbed my back and soothed me to help me calm down? Is it that much to ask? Hasn't he talked enough with my therapist to know that what I have is real and things like this are much more challenging to me? Anyone who has PTSD knows that it is not a ploy for attention, that it is genuinely challenging when experiencing something like this. I really work hard at it and I know I have gained a lot of ground, but it is still a challenge for me.

I had a horrible nights sleep last night. And this morning I woke up feeling like I had been physically beaten up yesterday. That is what a severe anxiety attack does as it wreaks havoc with the muscles. I don't WANT to have this happen. It is a lot of work to get past this type of reaction. I get so triggered when my husband reacts poorly when I am struggling, it just brings back how everyone was mean to me in the psychward and for many months for something I could not help.

Sigh....

Open Eyes

Hope u r getting better.

Thanks optimize, I am just very tired today and I know that it would have helped me so much if he had just been more supportive instead of reacting the way he did. Sitting in a storm like that would scare anyone, never mind someone who has PTSD that can be even more of a challenge.

I thought about how well I did and was able to still work inspite of the fact that I was struggling. For me that was a gain, because I worked hard at regaining my composure in such a short time. It is a lot more encouraging when someone points that out verses making me feel like I over reacted to experiencing something that WAS very scary. I have put up with a lot in my life and whenever I complained it was always something that WAS a big deal and I really was in danger or very ill. Geez, I almost died and was dismissed for overreacting like I was not as ill as I was. I am really lucky to be here. Grrrr, it makes me angry.

Open Eyes

I'm sorry this has been happening to you. You are not alone. I live in VA. So I think I know what kind of storms you are talking about. As soon a black clouds start to gather I start to get that tight feeling in my chest. As the wind picks so does the fear. I to have a pony. He much less afraid than I am. It sounds as if you do equine therapy or give lessons? I farm set. The family I sat for this past weekend did not go so well. I got off of the animals schedule because I was fearful of an incoming storm. The animals did not cooperate. Goat would not go in their pins, the horses hid in the trees.I left their food fo when they had settled down enough to come out. The wind blew and it sprinkled. I was so embarrased. Fear of a storm had reeked such havoc on my afternoon.
My issues with storms go way back. Passed down from my grandma, to my mom, to me. I handle it better now than I used to. I just don't want to be out in it. Be careful out there.

Thanks Big Mama, I like to get them all in before it storms because sometimes they run around and I can't get them in and I do NOT like to be caught out in a storm with lightening and I don't want any horse/pony to get struck by lightnening. I just don't like to be out in storms period.

((((OE)))) I can totally understand how you would not want to be out in a storm. Especially with your pony! And add the fact that the client was being totally insensitive and not listening to you (a Professional) and then discounting your observations like that (like it was OK to put you and your pony in harms way) AND to top it off, being rude about it...I would have been upset, as well!

AND you still stayed! OMGosh you are amazing! I am really glad you and pony are OK!

That is great in that you stood up for yourself! Did it feel like a small step forward, dear friend?

And I am sorry that your husband was not there for you when you got home. That is horrible. I know the feeling. It's very painful and frustrating and hurtful. My fiance was always very validating and supportive (or simply just gave me room to speak and vent and he would just listen. And then hug me and tell me he understood. LoL! I think that is one of the reasons I loved him so much).

I know the same feeling you are describing, though, but with my father...I had on a few occasions growing up, where I was terrified and was trying to explain something to him and begging him to help (it was his PROFESSION), and he just looked at me and ignored me. Like I wasn't there. Or worse, like I was being crazy.

I was relying on him to help, to say something, to soothe, to comfort, to explain, and he just ignored me. He didn't say a peep. That hurt me a lot. Deeply.

I realize now as an adult that he sees a lot of pain and suffering and upset people and sickness where he practices so it's probably a normal (coping) response for him. But it didn't help me at all, being his daughter.

I hope you are feeling a little better today and getting good rest. I also hope you are giving yourself a couple of hugs for DOING A GREAT JOB yesterday!

Hugs, Rose

Thanks Rose, that is what I really needed my husband to do with me, point out the things I did manage to handle well in that situation and validate that it was scarey to be in a storm like that.

I was full of anxiety all day yesterday, I just could not seem to shake it and it IS painful. I had to really think about WHY I was still reacting that way. It wasn't something I wanted to experience, that is what is so frustrating for me. It seems that when something like that occurs, I have to sort through my mind to all the other places I was upset like that and then confirm and validate how it all connects to why I get so upset in the now when I am caught off guard or feel invalidated somehow.

A person who doesn't have PTSD can recover and even have ways that they are desensitized to a lot of different types of experiences. But for a person with PTSD, a major loss or personal threat has actually happened, or some one grew up with abuse and disfunction and are more sensitive simply because there was a loss of somekind, that loss was "the loss of control over something sudden and unexpected".
And it could have been a constant invalidation that the child in that person never knew how to overcome as well.

I think about it this morning as a car with an alarm where someone touches the car and the car sounds and alarm. There has to be a definite kind of threat for an alarm to go off in that car. Well if a car had PTSD, it isn't just when the car has a definite threat, it could be a person walking along several feet away and just looking at the car funny that can set off that alarm. "Extreme sensitivity" is what I think about when I think about PTSD and how I experience it. I find that I have to really get to know when that alarm is going to go off on a much more conscious level than ever before. And sometimes I have to put that car in someplace very isolated so that alarm system wont keep going off, because it is loud and very disturbing and even dibilitating. The alarm is so sensitive that I have to work on each thing that sets that alarm off and then slowly take the car out and see if it can sit quietly parked without that alarm just quickly going off because there was something else that I didn't see to slowly fix and adjust.

As you can see, I am still trying to discribe what it is like to have PTSD. I am doing that for myself as well as for those around me so they become aware that what I struggle with is a lot more work than just hitting a button that will stop the alarm that can go off in a car. My car has been broken into so many times that it is way more sensitve and no it doesn't just sit in a parking lot only sounding an alarm if someone actually trys to touch and disturb it.

Open Eyes

What a great description of what PTSD is like! Thank you for putting it into words so well. I will definitely use that to help other people understand why I am the way I am.

I hope you have a better day today.

(((skeksi))),

I am constantly trying to discribe how hard PTSD is to deal with. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I am trying to explain to people around me that it is a lot of work for me sometimes. And yes, I get very frustrated with it. And it helps me so much when people who are around me recognize how hard I am trying to overcome it and support the efforts I make to try to deal with it.

Hey, if my alarm system has gone off, I don't need someone to come at me and make it worse by touching the car doors and shaking it when the alarm is already blaring and I can bearly think it is so loud.

Not when that person can quietly open the door, lower the sound of the alarm and tell me that at least this time the car sat for a much longer time without the alarm sounding so there IS some progress taking place. Wow is that so very hard? That kind of response helps me to keep trying to tinker with it so it is less and less sensitive. I have a very REAL problem and it is a lot of work for me to adjust this very sensitive alarm system.

Open Eyes

OE, I hope you are doing well today! From what I read, you did a great job handling everything (even though the aftereffects were not pleasant...I know, that is an understatement) I am also so sorry you didn't get the support you needed from your husband. I do think it is great that you are able to put in writing what you needed/wanted from him. And that it is not an attention thing, but a VERY real fear/trepidation and all you want is comfort.
I like your car analogy too.
*hugs to you today*

"I think about it this morning as a car with an alarm where someone touches the car and the car sounds and alarm. There has to be a definite kind of threat for an alarm to go off in that car. Well if a car had PTSD, it isn't just when the car has a definite threat, it could be a person walking along several feet away and just looking at the car funny that can set off that alarm. "Extreme sensitivity" is what I think about when I think about PTSD and how I experience it. I find that I have to really get to know when that alarm is going to go off on a much more conscious level than ever before. And sometimes I have to put that car in someplace very isolated so that alarm system wont keep going off, because it is loud and very disturbing and even dibilitating. The alarm is so sensitive that I have to work on each thing that sets that alarm off and then slowly take the car out and see if it can sit quietly parked without that alarm just quickly going off because there was something else that I didn't see to slowly fix and adjust."

"Hey, if my alarm system has gone off, I don't need someone to come at me and make it worse by touching the car doors and shaking it when the alarm is already blaring and I can bearly think it is so loud"

That is a fantastic way to describe it. Thank you so much!

I have felt the same way, needing a hug to help recover and not receiving it. Apparently, my husband's family never hugged. I might have grown up with abuse, but we also hugged, which has me in conflict when I hear from my doctor that I wasn't loved. I guess it's not knowing how to show love when you've grown up with severe abuse (like my mother).

I understand how you feel, things go bad and then there's conflict and the PTSD is compounded by the combination of anxiety and conflict, also a lack of empathy (husbands who don't know how to show support). I have lost days to feeling horrible, something triggers the angst, there is conflict and then the lack of support makes it worse, or as you described "touching the car doors and shaking it when the alarm is already blaring and I can bearly think it is so loud."

I have not tried to explain how I feel to my husband. I had a flashback in a restaurant and ran off, he got mad, yet I wasn't aware that it was a flashback until I told my therapist (doctor).

I don't know how I managed to turn on italics by typing on the wrong keys? Hmmm this is new.

Well, keep describing your feelings, I think it's helpful to everyone on the forum. I have not had luck describing PTSD to anyone but my doctor, and those on this forum understand.

Take care, zzzcat