[splitimage]

I'll start right off the bat by saying I am not currently suicidal, and I have no plans to kill myself anytime soon. What I struggle with is the illogical belief that I will definitely kill myself someday - it's just a matter of when. I can't see myself growing old to enjoy retirement, in fact I have trouble seeing beyond a few months or weeks even.

I find this belief that I will kill myself at sometime, kind of disturbing, and I've thought that way pretty much since grade 4. I can't seem to shake it, and it's bothering me.

I'm going to bring it up with one of my T's.

Just wondering if anyone else can relate?

Thanks.

splitimage

[Nammu]

I can. I used to have a reoccurring dream that there was three of me, each pointing a gun at one another. If any one shot, all three of us died. It stopped when I was merged, but I still have a sense of a foreshortened life and that it will be me that ends it. Apparently that sense of a foreshortened life is part of PTSD, thats what my T's have told me.

[krisakira]

Ohhh I have this same belief. I really don't know how long my life will last, and I don't see myself dying of old age or physical illness. I believe one day my mental illnesses will kill me. I know this is so opposite of what I am doing in therapy, where the goal is to get better. My boyfriend and I find society to have a grim future, and believe bad things will happen in our lifetime (not like mayan crap or anything, though), and are already happening. We believe the best option would be suicide if things got too bad (not sure how bad it would have to get). I told my boyfriend that if he believes suicide is necessary for him, then he cannot leave me behind. He would have to kill me first, and he has agreed to do such a thing. Again, this is only if bad things happen such as disaster, war, loss of electricity, something in which primal survival skills were needed. At that point, it may not be worth it to try surviving. Best to end things while you are ahead of the game.

[layla11]

I used to think about it but haven't lately. Yes, I would talk to your T. Do you take any meds? Hope you dont mind me asking.

[Hellion]

I usually just feel suicidal at times and worry that I might act on it...in the near future, rather then sometime down the road. I guess the thought I might die by suicide has crossed my mind but I really only worry about it when I am actually feeling suicidal which happens more often than I'd like.

[beauflow]

((Splitimage))
yes, i think it has to deal with part of what Sidestepper mentions of having those thoughts of foreshorten life- eventually i will do it, but in the short term of idealization, my ex-t used to tell me it was a controlling ''some what safeplace'', meaning things are getting ovewhlming,i feel i cant contoll anything, my brain goes to: how to have control over the issues? with so much pain usualy when in this spot,thinking of doing su or not is what i feel i can controll. this was actully one thing with ex-t that i felt i benifitedfrom, with her help w finding why my mind goes here.. although working on this still, but whe overwhelming times come these days i tell myself, it is me wanting controll of so much pain, whatelse can i controll? the choice of taking a walk or not for an example, very simplistic but can help a lot.also reminding me that it's an escape, find better copin methods to help contro the pain.

for long term idk, hope ur t can hel uw/ this.

[Open Eyes]

I think it is based on a fear of not "finding" your way or purpose in life. When we find our purpose and a path we don't consider ending life somehow.

I agree with beauflow, it is a way to give yourself a sense of control as well. You consider it because it gives you some freedom of choice incase you get in a place where you cannot manage your life at all.

Forshotened life? I have PTSD and I know that is a very common symptom of PTSD. But I would assume other kinds of psychological struggles can present the same feeling.

The best way to help with that is just make a decision to live life one day at a time and allow yourself to continue to learn and grow the rest of your days. Let yourself keep a constant reminder that if you make a mistake, you can always still keep on learning and you don't have to self punish or self blame, just keep looking at everything as a lesson and learning.

Open Eyes

[shezbut]

(((splitimage)))

I sure can relate to what you're struggling with. I often fight SI, and hold onto whatever positive thoughts/memories that I can to make it a little longer.

For me, I think that a big problem is I do have big limitations. Those won't go away. Instead, I need to accept the reality...and that isn't easy to do. It just "is".

I do agree with the others about bringing these thoughts & temptations up in T (as well as with your pDoc). I brought mine up a few weeks ago, and finally go in to see my pDoc this Friday. Hopefully, the SI will ease very soon. For all of us struggling with this issue!

Gentle hugs sent your way....

[suzzie]

((((((splitimage)))))))

i do this too. sometimes more detailed than others.

[skeksi]

I feel this way, too. I definitely think it fits with the foreshortened future symptom. Sometimes I do have ideation, but it's always tempered by the thought of, "Not now, I can get through THIS. But later, sometime...."

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I used to think that I would die by my own hand. But after several attempts, I have realized that I am not able to actually kill myself.
When my pain gets really intense, I still think about it and try to figure a way around my own survival instinct. I wish I was dead almost everyday.
Before I figured out that I can't actually do it, I regularly used suicide as a way to have hope, as twisted as that sounds. Everyday, I would comfort myself with the thought that if things got too bad, I could always die. Now I know that I can't do that either.

Even though I know that I can't kill myself, I still use that thought to comfort myself sometimes. But mostly, I just want to die. And then I remember that I can't. And then I get angry because I feel trapped in my pain, trapped in my disease, trapped in this society that allows horrible things to happen.

OK. I guess I have cheered you up now. Sorry. I am just trying to share how I feel. I am working with a therapist and a psychiatrist and several strategies and treatments, but it is a slow process for me.

I do believe I will die soon, but not from suicide. I think I have maybe 2 years left. I am so tired. If I could make a positive difference for someone else, then maybe it would be worth the pain. MAYBE. But as things are now, I am looking forward to going. I just hope and pray it is not by someone else's hand. That the COD be illness or injury, not murder. I do not want to go out because someone else made me.

My whole life has been controlled by someone else, up until the last couple years. I want my death to be "natural" or self-controlled. Not that it matters what I want.

In the book of Revelation (in the Bible) in chapter 9, verse 6 it says that there will come a time: "And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them."

I kinda feel like that time is now, for me anyway.

[Nammu]

Thanks for this, this is my dilemma, I want to die but after failing for so long I'm afraid the try again Becaouse the consequences are worse than dieing.