[Little Me]

How am I going to do it? I've been up for 2 hours already and have a day of school ahead of me and grades are due today also. So much pressure and stress.
So frustrated and depresssed.

[skeksi]

Are you a teacher? This is a very stressful time! Can you take a sick day? I know that requires a lot of work, too, though.

I am trying to take better care of myself and I think sick days when I am tired or feeling not right are going to be important. PTSD takes a toll on our bodies, too, and when we push ourselves too hard it makes the PTSD worse.

[Little Me]

Originally Posted by skeksi

Are you a teacher? This is a very stressful time! Can you take a sick day? I know that requires a lot of work, too, though.

I am trying to take better care of myself and I think sick days when I am tired or feeling not right are going to be important. PTSD takes a toll on our bodies, too, and when we push ourselves too hard it makes the PTSD worse.

Yes, I am a teacher. So stressful. i will think about the sick day option going forward. I was so tired I fell asleep on the way to school several times and then again on the way home. Staring at the road was too much and it was scary and just plain awful. I don't think about what PTSD does to us.

[skeksi]

I tried to PM you but couldn't.

I am in education, too. It's hard because you sort of have to know ahead of time whether you will be out (at least where I work) in order to leave plans. Sometimes I miss my old job where I could just decide not to go or to leave early when I was having a bad day. I have amassed tons of leave that I never take because it's such a hassle. Every year I promise myself that if I am not in bed by X time, then I will call in sick the next morning....but very rarely do I actually do it.

It's much easier when I am physically ill, like when I am throwing up or have laryngitis. I think we need to give ourselves a break!

[Little Me]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I tried to PM you but couldn't.

I am in education, too. It's hard because you sort of have to know ahead of time whether you will be out (at least where I work) in order to leave plans. Sometimes I miss my old job where I could just decide not to go or to leave early when I was having a bad day. I have amassed tons of leave that I never take because it's such a hassle. Every year I promise myself that if I am not in bed by X time, then I will call in sick the next morning....but very rarely do I actually do it.

It's much easier when I am physically ill, like when I am throwing up or have laryngitis. I think we need to give ourselves a break!

I know what you mean about being ill. Last year I planned ahead that after a few weeks I would take a day off if there wasn't a vacation coming up. This year I made it all the way til now without a day and I am burned out. The kids have worn me out. We did have a Sandy storm day on Monday that helped a ton but I keep looking forward and thinking to myself I can't make it. So hard with that mentality.
Haven't been sleeping this whole summer and now fall. I fell asleep driving yesterday several times and that was so so scary. My priority is to get enough rest so i can drive. Here's to some holiday time coming up.
Don't know what's wrong with my pm, because I have gotten some before.
Thanks for the message.

[Open Eyes]

(((Little Me))),

I see you are a fairly new member here at PC, welcome and glad you found a place to talk with others that can relate.

Wow, it is good that you got up the courage to finally "talk" about your past. I see you have some "worry" about the person who hurt you though. Well, you need to "let go" of that because that person "harmed their own life", you are not responsible for the "damage that causes him/her or whomever his family are etc". It sounds like you are in a place where you have taken the first "big step" but you have truely not "healed" from it. And that really "does" take time to work through, and unfortunately, the PTSD will be challenging until you finally make some "gains" in your "therapy" towards finally coming to some "personal resolve".

Just because we finally "tell" doesn't mean we actually know what to do with all the mixed emotions that come forward. And often other people think we are "strong" for speaking up, but that doesn't mean we are actually "strong" inside. It isn't just the abuse and revealing it, it is all the ways we developed "after" that has to be dealt with. Those are what I have been working through myself, and I had developed ways of dealing with life and others that I didn't really realize were "connected to the affects of being abused".

The fact that you say, "people think I am strong, but I am not" means that most likely you are a "strong supportive advocate for others" but when it comes to "for self, you are challenged". Yes, it is "sad" that this person's family now have to deal with a "difficult reality", it is ok for you to feel that way, but it is very important to get to the depths of not having that "produce guilt in yourself" somehow. I lived like that all my life, and so I know what you are struggling with, me too. But I can tell you that you can "get past that" to where you make some "real gains" and when you do that these PTSD challenges will grow less and less and you "will" slowly gain more control back again.

When you had things come out in such a public way like that, what happened is while that was good, it also brought on the one thing that "fuels" PTSD which is "what comes next, what is a lot for me to try to deal with, what will people really think now, where do I go from here?

In one of my "long posts" I talked about meeting with my therapist and comparing PTSD to having a bookcase with doors that were "shut" and the books were just shoved in the case, when I opened the door the books all fell out. And while I could see the "mess" and even "point a finger" at "abusers", that did not help me with all the books lieing in a heap that represented all the times of my life where I had challenges and ways of dealing that were due to the way I didn't realize the "abuse" hurt me. One of the constants was feeling that "I wasn't going to really be able to be "happy" and that it would only be a matter of time where I would "hurt" again. And that was true, I was hurt many times, even when I had made some gains in my life.

Your driving to school very tired and struggling to get through your days means that you are still "shoving" and you have not "yet" dealt with some important things about yourself and gotten some "real resolve". And I know it's hard because I have gone through lots of days where I was crippled and didn't really know "why" either. You are trying to "run away from self" and it doesn't work, it just creates anxiety and fatigue.

(((Little Me))), I "know" that you are a "good person", but the problem is, "you have to know it". Although, a part of you "does know it" but you have "yet" to settle into yourself and "accept self" in a healthier way. In many ways you are still "separte" from others like you were "before" you spoke up, it is just from a little different angle, but it "is" still there.

Abuse, interferes with someone growing up "normally" and whoever does suffer abuse, feels they are "different" from others part "not good enough" somehow. But, the "reality is" that is in your "mind" and you do not "have to allow that to continue". You have to find your way to "not seeing yourself as "damaged" anymore. You have experienced something "bad" first hand, and when that happens there is often a great need to "forewarn others, protect others, defend others" and that is how we are "designed" to be in order to "survive".

When we are a "victim" we are "by design" left with a sense of "guilt" or "feeling we did something wrong". That is supposed to "help" us make sure we "learn" from that experience so that we do not have that "threat to our life or health" happen again. Every time we are a "victim" somehow, we are designed to be "more aware" of "any" situation that can present that "challenge", and we carry that "awareness" all our lives. Unfortunately, often that "sense of guilt" can lead us to feel that we are now, less than others, or are more "damaged" somehow. A lot of that has to do with what we come to know as "right and wrong" as a society and what we feel others will "believe as truth" as well. If we feel it is a bad experience to "be ashamed of" we often "do conceal" it with a sense of no longer having permission to be as good as others who do not have that experience in their lives.

(((Little Me))), you don't really know how to be a "survivor" yet to the "depths of you".
And that is "ok" because you are "not alone" with that, me too, I am learning too. And I can tell you, with time, and slowly learning, you will "regain" your sense of balance and have less and less "fatigue" like you are experiencing now. And I am "not going to lie" it "is" hard work, and it doesn't happen over night, but it will get better with "time" because your brain "can" learn to do that.

(((Hugs for support)))
Open Eyes

[Little Me]

I see and read so much truth and thought and care in your message. I fear I am too tired to respond in much length. It is hard for me to imagine someone, you, would take so much time and effort to respond in such a way. I will read and reread your message. I have no feelings tonight but am grateful.

[Open Eyes]

((Little Me))),

That is ok if you need time to "think" about my post. I take extra time to reach out because I really "understand" the challenge. I also have "gained" enough ground in "healing" where I see how you "can slowly" get more "balance" back.

I mainly wanted to reach out to you to tell you that I understand where you are and that you are "not alone". Because I can see "where you are" skeski is right, you have to allow some "down time" for yourself if you can. PTSD, can be very tiring so you have to give yourself time to "rest" when you have too many "overstimulating" days.

I reach out like this because I know how important it is for someone who has PTSD to be "validated" and have someone say, I am here and I hear you. But do that in a way that is "highly validating in a very real way". The "more" you get support like that, the less you will feel "away from" and being misunderstood and alone. You have "yet" to learn how to "slow down" so you are not "so tired" like this. You have to actually "learn" to "slowly gain on that" and not think you are always going to struggle like this.

((((Calming and understanding Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Little Me]

Yes Open Eyes I am tired and I feel like I will always struggle like this. I don't like the word "heal" in fact I won't say it. It must have something to do with I don't feel like I can. I am trying to slow down. I do feel I have made some progress in slowing down something my t and I have been working on. I enjoy it actually when I can let myself take some time. Will try to do that this weekend a bit. Too hard for me to think of going back to work Tuesday and facing all the stress.

I appreciate hearing you say some of this stuff. I don't hear it often. It's scary in some ways to think of support because I automatically think of when it's going to end. Kind of like the bird being thrown out of the nest. The alone feeling is the most troubling and support doesn't feel real when it's there, feels like it's just going to be pulled out right from under you. I don't want to be scared though, it's my instinct to believe I'm alone. I suppose if I want to change then I can. I want to be open and willing and teachable.
Thanks Open Eyes.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I understand everything you are saying and I have often felt that way myself. Well, if you get "turned off" by the word "healing" then you need to find another way of thinking about it. I actually prefer the words "gaining and growing" past each stage of PTSD. I also remember to open myself up to "YET" as well.

I am "still" struggling Little Me, but I have progressed to a point where I am also beginning to see "progress and gains" as well. However, what is making it hard for me is I also have a lot of "bad situations" going on around me that I just wish I didn't have to deal with at the same time. I am also at a point where I have "gained enough" where I get angry because I am very aware of how much hard work it has been for me, and people around me truely do not realize how really hard it is.

It has also been very helpful to me to "understand" the reason why I am struggling and to make sure I set aside a part of myself that really "gives myself" a break when I have some bad days.

The "conscious" mind that we all use every day is a very "small" part of our brain. For someone who doesn't have PTSD, the conscious mind is set up to take in "new and unexpected information or interactions" and grab onto "subconscious" knowledge to reply and process both with reason and emotion. Over our lives we learn ways to "express" emotional anger or sensational responses to things we don't like. For example, a person driving a car who is cut off by another driver will show anger and talk away expressing their anger at the other driver, even if the other driver cannot "hear" them. They let this emotion out and then feel a sense of relief because they "expelled" the anger. When someone is challenged with PTSD, this process is "magnified" and they experience it very differently and can respond with "more anxiety" that is not as "easy" for them to "regulate".

When someone has PTSD, their "conscious mind" has a harder time because it is not only dealing with "incoming messages" it is also trying to "process many messages that are coming forward from the "subconscious" mind that are "constant unresolved questions". That is why I have used the example of the "pile of books that have fallen out of a bookcase". It is "tedious" work to "slowly" pick up each book (a memory or challenge) at a time and identify it carefully until it can be put on the shelf again as "something resolved". As that process gets to a point where there are more books finally placed on the shelf, the brain can slowly work more normally again as the conscious mind takes in messages and processes in a more normal way. But until that happens, the person who struggles with PTSD feels challenged and often unprepared and is often "tired' and feels like they are "over worked" somehow by daily everyday living. Hense so many will say, "I wish I could "just" again like I used to".
And there is often a lot of "frustration" because other people often advise to "just" get over, deal, do not dwell, etc. Well, when someone has PTSD they become very "aware" they cannot do that.

The "only" way to gain on PTSD, is to "slowly' work at each and every "book" or "troubled memory" that was caused by "trama" and "never really having the answers to it". Yes, there are lots of books because of that challenge that you never realized were formed, not your fault.

(((Little Me))), I was a victim of CSA from a very young age. I developed all kinds of ways to "help myself" survive and thrive in life. I did not know what "anxiety was" and there were many things I struggled with because of that ongoing abuse. My whole life, I was looking over my shoulder, and I often could see things others could not and was always misunderstood too. I have a very "troubling and sad" pile of books to sort through. I have been very angry, and I have also grieved to the "depths of me" and I have also realized how I was "inhibited" for reasons that were never "my fault" and a lot of it is sad because I was "hurt" more than I realized.

Yes, like you many thought I was brave and strong as well. But I always had doubts about myself and often felt "less than" and that I was only good at "being resourceful" and that I was never "smart or accomplished as others". And I always "noticed" when others struggled and felt a need to "reach out" somehow. Many times people advised me to "not care so much".

Each person is "different" in what they need to "sort through" in that pile Little Me.
In the "gaining" through PTSD, and it really is "through", it is up and down and very "tiring" and "lonely". But, if you give yourself "time" to understand and "lots of self care" and "patience" you "will" make "gains on it". And no, you are not alone in this challenge, I am doing it too. And yes, it is a lot of work, but you can slowly "gain" on it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes